These are my thoughts from late this afternoon.......
Well it is later, so.....
I guess it is time to be what I have never as yet found a way to be, and that is a grown-up.
It is time to make the tough choices, and stick to the plan for my life. I can not stand to live this miniscule life anymore. I feel so frustrated all the time. I feel trapped by the choices that I have made.
I am so very ready. Yet, there does not seem to be anyone ready, waiting or even willing, to begin the journey required, to be with me nor understand me.
We all make our own destiny. I guess I have sewn mine together with a lot of regret and anger. Time is a thief, stealing away our youth, hope, and dreams. I need to grow up, I need to be a big boy now. I often feel like my time is running out. And of course as clich as it sounds, I am feeling like my life has been wasted. I feel like my words are all wasted as well. I mean who cares how I feel? What the fuck does it matter to anyone that I feel so pathetic and ineffectual?
I used to think it was all of them. I used to think I was misunderstood. Now I know that it is me. It is not that people do not understand me, it is that they just do not like me. And I know I give them reasons not to. I know I am more than high maintenance and difficult. I am impermeable. I just do not care. At least that is what I portray to the outside world. When in fact I am always concerned about just about everyone and everything. My shield is my lack of compassion and the illusion of sullenness. I feel so many things, and yet, never express even half of them. I am afraid of the darkened life. I am afraid of being hurt again. It is better to think that I do not deserve anyone, and never try, than to delude myself into thinking that I can have exactly who I want when I want them. Yes that makes me a coward. Hi my name is Scott, and I am a full fledged coward.
It is time to go home. It is time to make my way in the world, and to make the life I need and want appear......
I guess it really is time to make all my dreams come true. See you on the other side....
Well it is later, so.....
I guess it is time to be what I have never as yet found a way to be, and that is a grown-up.
It is time to make the tough choices, and stick to the plan for my life. I can not stand to live this miniscule life anymore. I feel so frustrated all the time. I feel trapped by the choices that I have made.
I am so very ready. Yet, there does not seem to be anyone ready, waiting or even willing, to begin the journey required, to be with me nor understand me.
We all make our own destiny. I guess I have sewn mine together with a lot of regret and anger. Time is a thief, stealing away our youth, hope, and dreams. I need to grow up, I need to be a big boy now. I often feel like my time is running out. And of course as clich as it sounds, I am feeling like my life has been wasted. I feel like my words are all wasted as well. I mean who cares how I feel? What the fuck does it matter to anyone that I feel so pathetic and ineffectual?
I used to think it was all of them. I used to think I was misunderstood. Now I know that it is me. It is not that people do not understand me, it is that they just do not like me. And I know I give them reasons not to. I know I am more than high maintenance and difficult. I am impermeable. I just do not care. At least that is what I portray to the outside world. When in fact I am always concerned about just about everyone and everything. My shield is my lack of compassion and the illusion of sullenness. I feel so many things, and yet, never express even half of them. I am afraid of the darkened life. I am afraid of being hurt again. It is better to think that I do not deserve anyone, and never try, than to delude myself into thinking that I can have exactly who I want when I want them. Yes that makes me a coward. Hi my name is Scott, and I am a full fledged coward.
It is time to go home. It is time to make my way in the world, and to make the life I need and want appear......
I guess it really is time to make all my dreams come true. See you on the other side....
xoxo