cactusgeeves

Well, a few days have passed since my discovery and things really aren't much better. I think she's staying with a good friend of mine, whom she might have cheated on me with as well (at least that's what her other ex bf said, on a hunch). I have no proof the two of them got together while we were a couple, but I do know they are cohabitating. My friend blew me off on Sunday saying he was sick. On a hunch I drove past his house and her car was out front. My ex's other boyfriend said he saw his house keys on her keychain, and when she moved out of their apartment, lied about what she was doing (she said she was going to call me). It could be totally innocent, but my state of mind at the moment is pretty much paranoia and distrust out of self preservation. I'll get better, but I don't know how much I'll be able to trust those involved again. The only person I think who has been totally truthful with me was the guy my ex was cheating with.

I can't help but ask what I did or didn't do to drive her to other guys? I can be a little distant at times, but I was always there for her. She has serious daddy issues (doesn't get along with her dad at all and the guys I know she cheated with were all 35+, she's 22). She could also be a real pain in the ass to deal with, which her attitude was the big reason I broke it off. I'll admit, I was kinda thinking things might be over when they ended, but that was just because I was tired of everything being a fight (I almost wonder if we fought so much towards the end in order to goad me into dumping her so I was the bad guy or if the strain of keeping things secret got to her). I am, by no means, Mr. Wonderful. In most cases I don't think I'm that great in a relationship. But I do think I deserved better. If anything, she should have said to me "You're an asshole! I'm leaving!" and let it be that, instead of sneaking behind my back and making me think everything was my fault.

I don't know where to go from here. I'm making myself crazy having it on my mind. I wish I knew if she felt any remorse. She keeps telling people how much she misses me and that she wishes I would take her back. But she still thinks I don't know. Why would she want to come back to me? She's free to fuck whoever she wants now. Does she think if I let her back in all will be well? That what she did doesn't matter? I don't know. I really don't. I'm lost and I keep going. Someday all will be well, at least I hope so.