byte

I sound so in love with this person. Uh oh.

Breathing Your Lovely Pyre

I need to draw you in
a light flash full of blackened coal strokes
with melted rubber hash marks
of the swelling molten lead balloons inside me
expanding and cracking from
the heat my core emanates when you sear
by crossing my mind
A hissing molten mix of fire rubber metal
expanding and contracting with the fuel I gulp
by inhaling your features
you
barely there wisp of smoke and ashes
which signaled me
waving in the distance.

I'll blast a tunnel into the seams of your peaks
"every night I burn."
consumed and then awakened
by a churning sun
unscathed until I'm set afire once more.

If there is still heaviness in your frame
unseen flames licking breaking up and down its foundation
maybe then we'll dive in
ice water putting out the conflagration blazing around our heads
bodies plunge into quelling waves over our crowns

No breathing water, now
come up and walk on my shores
made of volcanic stones rubbed like flint into harmless grains
stirred and shaped by the waves which will wash our feet
and the trial by pyre will be completed
as the sun strokes our
skin waves
covering twice the amount of earth we've charred.

(Come and phoenix with me
The flames can never kill us
only complete our cycles.)

..... ..... ..... ..... ..... ..... ..... ..... ..... ..... ..... ..... ..... ..... ..... ..... ..... ..... ..... ..... ..... .....
Saturday, December 09, 2006
1:21 AM - The Luxury of Touch

Embraces overrated
faces untouched.
affect ignored
all of you are fools.

It would be luxury
to lean close
witness the fall of somnolence like silk and velvet curtains
I've yet to watch this
You at peace.
This seems so distant
both in corporeal immediacy
and in possibility

Now under captive fluorescence
Maybe lonely
Is it cold when you walk on those floors?
We won't let it overtake you.

So,
catch them
tears turned to diamonds?
they won't last forever
let's cast away these carbon-smoking ashes.

Friday, December 08, 2006

5:40 PM - Celebrity by Way of Crisis

You have no idea how big you are in my head.
If I were to meet you
What would I say?
What will you think of me
after days of shouting your name in the street?

Will it be like other famous people
where I think about you
more often than you do of me
because of the demands of celebrity?

And if I scream loud enough
Will they lock us both away?
Side by side
A room with a view,
I'd never get released
smashing the mirrors
because all I see is you.

............

He should read every word of this,
sometime in our lifetimes, and remember the pain is increased exponentially
for his family.

This is taking life from me,
hours, days,
draining me so violently, abruptly, absolutely, completely.
No one but his family has any idea how this felt, how it feels.
Well,
unless you've been down here before, crossing that flaming bridge
over petrol-black waters.

It got more serious by the hour, waiting for lucidity.
I didn't think it was that close.

Waiting for him to wake
breathing exasperation,
adrenaline pulsing relentlessly,
sleep evading me
pervasive anxiety.
(besides my father's sickness, besides losing Jeff, besides losing my own mind, it has been the most excruciatingly intense life event. Almost more so than the previous, in a different way, because it came so close and I was so close in its outcome more than anyone but the hospital staff!)

I would have drowned if he had.

Too many hours between awake/alive and comatose/asleep has kept my heart throbbing menacingly in my chest, threatening to continue indefinitely. Movements so heavy and taxing. I'm so glad his mom has been keeping in touch with me, otherwise I'd be completely lost at sea. My friends have been amazing, particularly Chris and Nicolle. If you..re not either one of them, don..t feel bad. It..s hard and everyone..s busy and I can..t blame anyone.

I woke up this morning and my jaw really hurt. I haven't ground my teeth in more than a year. I..m sure it made an awful sound.

I talked to his sibling briefly, but I almost felt bad because I didn..t want to force them to talk to me, to be reminded of how close it was.

I cannot even describe how intense my feelings are towards him, for him. The bond I felt was immediate and complete; anyone who understands that unprecedented pain is automatically entrenched into my being, so thoroughly, so deeply that it is completely inexplicable. I tried to say every sentence perfectly to get through all of that mental infection/colonization, but I cannot blame anyone who can't believe me and wants to just stop all the pain.

It seems unending, but it..s just fucking not. It just isn..t.

I hoped to be the one to change his mind. I wish I could be there, even to physically force him to come with me to the doctor, or wherever. I would think about delaying graduation a whole year if it meant that he would get better with my help. You don..t even know easy a decision that would be. I would move back and fucking stalk him; he would have no choice with me around.

I hope he stays home with his parents until he gets better. Being alone at college almost killed me, too. Seriously. That loneliness that categorized the bottom of my depressive episodes almost made me do the same. No one can fucking judge us, so shut up if you..re even thinking about it. You just don..t know.

Maybe he'll read this, I don't know. But I absolutely have to get this out or it will consume me even more than it has. I'm glad I'm able to get my work done, however. When Jeff died I couldn't do nearly anything, only the panic of the last hour before each deadline inflicted enough psychological violence to complete the assignment. I think this is a testament to my recovery; I am glad I am healthier now, or else I have no idea what it could have triggered in my own mind.

Do you hear me?

I really hope that he is not angry with me. I hope that he is not angry that he is alive. I lose consciousness briefly when I think about this. There's no other way to explain the violent silence in the absence of articulation for these feelings.

Only if I grabbed you and strangled you would you feel even remotely the same way.

Please, don't ask who I'm talking about. I'm not going to tell you out of respect for he and his family. Seriously, I won't tell you. This is hard enough for all of them and it's important that I don't lose his trust completely.

I hope he fucking sees this and understands that only getting beaten close to my last breath could even hold a flame to this strangling feeling.

That is all.