Dramaderies (or "I'm Too Busy Looking Out for #1 to Care About Your Feelings")
As Amy and I draw ever closer to our wedding day the twitchy people in our lives are making themselves known by their exits and absences. I say "twitchy" because there isn't really just one type. I lost someone a couple of weeks back at the I'm-Getting-Married-In-A-Month-And-A-Half point. Amy lost one today.
Mine was someone I loved in '95 or '96. She was the one who broke my heart. We were friends for nearly a year, the best of friends, and then after dating for not quite a month she vanished without a trace. She had the good grace to break up with me first, saying things like, "I value our friendship too much to ruin it in a relationship," and, "We kissed and it was like the main characters on Moonlighting*1 kissing: the show just wasn't any good after that." I was devastated and it took years (and a marriage to her best friend... no I am not making that up) before I was completely over the damage her exeunt had caused.
We reconnected via MySpace (or Classmates or some equally dumb site) not long after Emily and I got married. We were able to make peace with the past and explain to one another exactly what had happened all those years ago (she'd had a psychotic break, apparently, and thought I abandoned her). We grew closer and were supportive through one another's divorces. She was less than pleased when I met and fell in love with Amy eleven months ago. She and I gradually talked less as the year proceeded (though I had hired her to help me design my band's cd book) and at the six-weeks-to-the-wedding mark I tried to tag her on Facebook and discovered we were no longer friends. I sent several messages to her, calling, texting, and emailing to get some kind of response. Finally I threw out the emotionally manipulative (but honest), "I don't understand why you're being purposefully cruel." That got this response: "I am not trying to be cruel. But you've been breaking my heart a little at a time for a year now, and I just needed a little space to deal with that." And with that, for the second time, she flounced out of my life, only this time she did it in the most passive-aggressive way possible, and she dumped not only me from her friends lists on various sites, she dumped everyone we both knew. To quote my friend Stephen, "I never did anything to that {person}. She's {rather} crazy!"*2
Amy's freakout-buddy was an old friend of hers, someone she'd known since elementary or middle school (though the friend says in the bizarre email she sent to me today it's only been 18 years, so maybe there are some years she doesn't count). She and another "friend" of Amy's have been against the two of us being together since the beginning. This particular person when I told her Amy and I were dating, stared at me like I'd just taken a shit on her carpet, looked down, laughed, and then said something incredibly snide. I was confused, of course: this was simply her "expressing the fact that I was dismayed... you were getting involved into [sic] a relationship with Amy".*3 My mistake.
Amy had her wedding shower this past Sunday and this old friend commented on Facebook (yes, it really is the scandal- and rumormill of our lives) that she hoped it was nice. Amy reached out to this friend and was met with negativity and accusations of lying. She said I was actively pissed at her for her behavior (something "I'm not going to apologize for"*3) so I sent a message saying that no, I was not pissed. I was apparently lying, too. This friend sent me a remarkable message that states that she loves Amy and since she loves Amy and has "always spoken [her] mind... freely," then by god, she's "not about to change suddenly and only speak... when [she has] something fluffy and pretty to say. Being honest is not being abusive."*4 By the time I received this I had already put, "People who say, 'You know me, I just speak my mind,' are often attempting to excuse themselves for simply being assholes," in my status. As I was typing a reply (it said something like, "I'm really not pissed at you: you don't actually exist for me other than as an occasional irritant to the woman I love,") she saw my status and proceeded to flounce out of Amy's life with a, "I'm done. Congratulations, I'm removing myself from Amy's life in an effort to not add any further stress (or abuse) to her life. I hope you're pleased."*5 She and Amy had a few more exchanges during which she managed to: accuse me of disrespecting Amy's mother (whom I actually love); accuse me of isolating Amy from everyone who loves her (I'm starting with the people who don't like her, apparently, and I'm not really doing anything)*6; say the tried and true eyeroll-inducing line of manipulative mothers everywhere, "Resent me all you want; I'm sure it will make things easier"; and do everything but actually apologize. Oh wait, that's not quite right. After having it pointed out to her that she'd done everything from attacking Amy whom she "loves like a sister" to attacking me with patently made-up claims rather than ever acknowlede she might have hurt Amy's feelings, she said, "I'm sorry. And I'm done."
It went from a friendly polite email (from Amy) to this drama laden missive (from the friend) in a matter of mere hours. The only thing that makes any sense (and doesn't label her as a complete fruitbat) is that she went into the exchange with the intent to end the friendship with as much sturm und drang as possible.
Who does this shit (and I'm including my friend as well, from way back at the beginning of this blog)? Outside of high school students, I mean. Doesn't anyone know how to behave like an adult? Did "personal accountability" really die with the Bush administration?
If you have an issue, please let your friend know. Don't let it fester until it's completely out of control and there's really no way to discuss it without frothing and foaming. Be an adult. Don't just disappear or throw a tantrum. If you care about someone like you repeatedly say you do, put in the fucking leg work to back it up. Your words don't impress anyone: show the people you love that you love them, even when it's hard.
Also? Meds. Lots and lots of meds. Your children and significant others will thank you.
1) It's where Bruce Willis got his start, kiddies.
2) Edited for fuckin' vulgarity.
3) Quoted from the aforementioned letter. It's really weird and rambles from judging the both of us to being glad for the both of us. I might post it with annotations later in the week... though that would be rather like flogging a dead horse.
4) Which I'm sure those of you who have been in abusive relationships TOTALLY agree with. Right? Right? Anyone?
5) Attempt to convince me she's not emotionally abusive/manipulative: FAIL.
6) I'm working on a fun image inspired by the line "Isolation Powers... Activate!" It's not the one in this blog, but I'll definitely post it when I'm finished.
As Amy and I draw ever closer to our wedding day the twitchy people in our lives are making themselves known by their exits and absences. I say "twitchy" because there isn't really just one type. I lost someone a couple of weeks back at the I'm-Getting-Married-In-A-Month-And-A-Half point. Amy lost one today.
Mine was someone I loved in '95 or '96. She was the one who broke my heart. We were friends for nearly a year, the best of friends, and then after dating for not quite a month she vanished without a trace. She had the good grace to break up with me first, saying things like, "I value our friendship too much to ruin it in a relationship," and, "We kissed and it was like the main characters on Moonlighting*1 kissing: the show just wasn't any good after that." I was devastated and it took years (and a marriage to her best friend... no I am not making that up) before I was completely over the damage her exeunt had caused.
We reconnected via MySpace (or Classmates or some equally dumb site) not long after Emily and I got married. We were able to make peace with the past and explain to one another exactly what had happened all those years ago (she'd had a psychotic break, apparently, and thought I abandoned her). We grew closer and were supportive through one another's divorces. She was less than pleased when I met and fell in love with Amy eleven months ago. She and I gradually talked less as the year proceeded (though I had hired her to help me design my band's cd book) and at the six-weeks-to-the-wedding mark I tried to tag her on Facebook and discovered we were no longer friends. I sent several messages to her, calling, texting, and emailing to get some kind of response. Finally I threw out the emotionally manipulative (but honest), "I don't understand why you're being purposefully cruel." That got this response: "I am not trying to be cruel. But you've been breaking my heart a little at a time for a year now, and I just needed a little space to deal with that." And with that, for the second time, she flounced out of my life, only this time she did it in the most passive-aggressive way possible, and she dumped not only me from her friends lists on various sites, she dumped everyone we both knew. To quote my friend Stephen, "I never did anything to that {person}. She's {rather} crazy!"*2
Amy's freakout-buddy was an old friend of hers, someone she'd known since elementary or middle school (though the friend says in the bizarre email she sent to me today it's only been 18 years, so maybe there are some years she doesn't count). She and another "friend" of Amy's have been against the two of us being together since the beginning. This particular person when I told her Amy and I were dating, stared at me like I'd just taken a shit on her carpet, looked down, laughed, and then said something incredibly snide. I was confused, of course: this was simply her "expressing the fact that I was dismayed... you were getting involved into [sic] a relationship with Amy".*3 My mistake.
Amy had her wedding shower this past Sunday and this old friend commented on Facebook (yes, it really is the scandal- and rumormill of our lives) that she hoped it was nice. Amy reached out to this friend and was met with negativity and accusations of lying. She said I was actively pissed at her for her behavior (something "I'm not going to apologize for"*3) so I sent a message saying that no, I was not pissed. I was apparently lying, too. This friend sent me a remarkable message that states that she loves Amy and since she loves Amy and has "always spoken [her] mind... freely," then by god, she's "not about to change suddenly and only speak... when [she has] something fluffy and pretty to say. Being honest is not being abusive."*4 By the time I received this I had already put, "People who say, 'You know me, I just speak my mind,' are often attempting to excuse themselves for simply being assholes," in my status. As I was typing a reply (it said something like, "I'm really not pissed at you: you don't actually exist for me other than as an occasional irritant to the woman I love,") she saw my status and proceeded to flounce out of Amy's life with a, "I'm done. Congratulations, I'm removing myself from Amy's life in an effort to not add any further stress (or abuse) to her life. I hope you're pleased."*5 She and Amy had a few more exchanges during which she managed to: accuse me of disrespecting Amy's mother (whom I actually love); accuse me of isolating Amy from everyone who loves her (I'm starting with the people who don't like her, apparently, and I'm not really doing anything)*6; say the tried and true eyeroll-inducing line of manipulative mothers everywhere, "Resent me all you want; I'm sure it will make things easier"; and do everything but actually apologize. Oh wait, that's not quite right. After having it pointed out to her that she'd done everything from attacking Amy whom she "loves like a sister" to attacking me with patently made-up claims rather than ever acknowlede she might have hurt Amy's feelings, she said, "I'm sorry. And I'm done."
It went from a friendly polite email (from Amy) to this drama laden missive (from the friend) in a matter of mere hours. The only thing that makes any sense (and doesn't label her as a complete fruitbat) is that she went into the exchange with the intent to end the friendship with as much sturm und drang as possible.
Who does this shit (and I'm including my friend as well, from way back at the beginning of this blog)? Outside of high school students, I mean. Doesn't anyone know how to behave like an adult? Did "personal accountability" really die with the Bush administration?
If you have an issue, please let your friend know. Don't let it fester until it's completely out of control and there's really no way to discuss it without frothing and foaming. Be an adult. Don't just disappear or throw a tantrum. If you care about someone like you repeatedly say you do, put in the fucking leg work to back it up. Your words don't impress anyone: show the people you love that you love them, even when it's hard.
Also? Meds. Lots and lots of meds. Your children and significant others will thank you.
1) It's where Bruce Willis got his start, kiddies.
2) Edited for fuckin' vulgarity.
3) Quoted from the aforementioned letter. It's really weird and rambles from judging the both of us to being glad for the both of us. I might post it with annotations later in the week... though that would be rather like flogging a dead horse.
4) Which I'm sure those of you who have been in abusive relationships TOTALLY agree with. Right? Right? Anyone?
5) Attempt to convince me she's not emotionally abusive/manipulative: FAIL.
6) I'm working on a fun image inspired by the line "Isolation Powers... Activate!" It's not the one in this blog, but I'll definitely post it when I'm finished.