Benjamin 1, Tree 0
(Aside, you know, from the electrical, phone, and cable lines.)
Around 10:40 this morning I went out to what had been an arena barn when horses lived here, but is now used for vehicle and equipment storage, (it also has a small fenced area for expecting female alpacas and the recently weened). I fed the six alpacas in that barn before backing the Explorer out onto the snow covered ice, that was itself encrusted on another layer of snow with more ice below that. The SUV gave me no grief whatsoever.
I backed up to The Tree blocking my driveway, got out with the handsaw I'd picked up in the garage and was met with whooping and hollering: Monnie had been lying in wait for me next door and was now Here to Help. I told her my plan: cut the largest limbs off, pull the top of the tree toward the back of my property, and stack the limbs with the trunk. She said there was no way it would work, that my truck didn't have the strength to do it, that she needed to get her tractor. I told her I was going to try my way first before she had to do any extra work and then went to get my cell phone to charge it in the Explorer.
When I got back a man had arrived with his daughter on a 4 wheeler and I could hear Monnie talking about my plan and how it wasn't going to work. He mostly nodded and said something to his daughter. Monnie saw the little handsaw I was carrying and said, a note of real panic in her voice, "What are you doing with that chainsaw!?" "I don't have a chainsaw." I did notice that Mr. 4 Wheels had one and was starting it up. (She must have been talking to him, but she whipped her head around and said it to me. She talked about her dislike of chainsaws when I was freezing on the porch this morning, but this was a little much. Unless, of course, there's a bifurcated family member somewhere in her past.) Monnie declared there was no way my SUV was moving anything and she left to get her tractor and logging chain.
The man and I cut through the tree and had the majority of it moved in about fifteen minutes (predictably the Explorer did the job just fine). He cut the trunk into four parts and I cut the limbs. I had expected to have a tough go of it but my saw, coupled with the temperature of the branches, made it all remarkably easy. The smell of Christmas was everywhere. I thanked the man, who sounded exactly like Hank from "King of the Hill" (who in turn sounds exactly like Beavis & Butthead's craggy old neighbor--ah, Mike Judge, there are only so many voices) and before he took off he even put the dying pear tree at the front of my yard out of its misery.
By the time Monnie got back, whooping her way up the road, I was pretty much done. There was another section of tree but it was still partially attached to the stump. Monnie pounced on it, tying one end of her chain around the base of the tree and the other around the hitch of her tractor (which was, in all honesty, two sizes smaller than my tractor). I gathered ten and fifteen foot limbs while she did this, watching closely so she didn't start moving without warning. When she was ready I backed a good distance away and watched her break her chain. "Louis has a logging chain. I'll go get his." And she was gone for another twenty minutes.
I carried more limbs out of the drive and piled them in Louis's yard, cutting them when necessary. When Monnie returned she was on the phone with Louis in Florida. I caught bits and pieces of the conversation and I felt sorry for him. She was making all this sound so much worse than it actually was. She wouldn't be deterred from trying to move the last part of the tree so I suggested she let me place the chain at the top rather than the base, hoping we would be able to roll it (but not honestly expecting anything to happen). Louis's chain was longer so I backed farther away.
She didn't move that tree a bit, but she did gouge a deep muddy rut in my yard. Just when I was about to write the whole experience off as yet another ordeal with a nut she hopped down and helped me clear the remaining limbs and branches, many of which were far too heavy for her to carry. She didn't have to do any of this and I told her so, but she told me she was happy to do it. We talked about alpacas and horses and how I needed to bring Amy over and spend the night in her and her husband's guest room because, "it's god damned cold as shit."
I walked with her to get my mail as she drove out onto the street. She argued with me that they hadn't delivered the mail for two days and I told her I watched the carrier drop it off. That got her excited to get home, so with another whoop and a "cold as shit!" she was gone. I got into my car and was, for perhaps the second time in my life, thrilled to have a seat warmer. I sat and thawed and decided gasoline and hot lunch were in order. In addition to my own food I bought Nefret and the two barn dogs, Freyja & Howell, Double Quarter Pounders from McDonalds. I was a very popular Papa.
I'm currently in bed with Amelia, Stella, George, Josephine, Fergus (all cats), and Nefret and I'm still cold. Amy will be here tonight and she's booked a pet friendly hotel suite for us, Nefret, and her dog Scout so they can be warm and can stretch out. We'll be scrunching up blankets and comforters for the cats.
It's currently 3:34pm and it's 48 degrees in the house, 24 outside. <br />
(Aside, you know, from the electrical, phone, and cable lines.)
Around 10:40 this morning I went out to what had been an arena barn when horses lived here, but is now used for vehicle and equipment storage, (it also has a small fenced area for expecting female alpacas and the recently weened). I fed the six alpacas in that barn before backing the Explorer out onto the snow covered ice, that was itself encrusted on another layer of snow with more ice below that. The SUV gave me no grief whatsoever.
I backed up to The Tree blocking my driveway, got out with the handsaw I'd picked up in the garage and was met with whooping and hollering: Monnie had been lying in wait for me next door and was now Here to Help. I told her my plan: cut the largest limbs off, pull the top of the tree toward the back of my property, and stack the limbs with the trunk. She said there was no way it would work, that my truck didn't have the strength to do it, that she needed to get her tractor. I told her I was going to try my way first before she had to do any extra work and then went to get my cell phone to charge it in the Explorer.
When I got back a man had arrived with his daughter on a 4 wheeler and I could hear Monnie talking about my plan and how it wasn't going to work. He mostly nodded and said something to his daughter. Monnie saw the little handsaw I was carrying and said, a note of real panic in her voice, "What are you doing with that chainsaw!?" "I don't have a chainsaw." I did notice that Mr. 4 Wheels had one and was starting it up. (She must have been talking to him, but she whipped her head around and said it to me. She talked about her dislike of chainsaws when I was freezing on the porch this morning, but this was a little much. Unless, of course, there's a bifurcated family member somewhere in her past.) Monnie declared there was no way my SUV was moving anything and she left to get her tractor and logging chain.
The man and I cut through the tree and had the majority of it moved in about fifteen minutes (predictably the Explorer did the job just fine). He cut the trunk into four parts and I cut the limbs. I had expected to have a tough go of it but my saw, coupled with the temperature of the branches, made it all remarkably easy. The smell of Christmas was everywhere. I thanked the man, who sounded exactly like Hank from "King of the Hill" (who in turn sounds exactly like Beavis & Butthead's craggy old neighbor--ah, Mike Judge, there are only so many voices) and before he took off he even put the dying pear tree at the front of my yard out of its misery.
By the time Monnie got back, whooping her way up the road, I was pretty much done. There was another section of tree but it was still partially attached to the stump. Monnie pounced on it, tying one end of her chain around the base of the tree and the other around the hitch of her tractor (which was, in all honesty, two sizes smaller than my tractor). I gathered ten and fifteen foot limbs while she did this, watching closely so she didn't start moving without warning. When she was ready I backed a good distance away and watched her break her chain. "Louis has a logging chain. I'll go get his." And she was gone for another twenty minutes.
I carried more limbs out of the drive and piled them in Louis's yard, cutting them when necessary. When Monnie returned she was on the phone with Louis in Florida. I caught bits and pieces of the conversation and I felt sorry for him. She was making all this sound so much worse than it actually was. She wouldn't be deterred from trying to move the last part of the tree so I suggested she let me place the chain at the top rather than the base, hoping we would be able to roll it (but not honestly expecting anything to happen). Louis's chain was longer so I backed farther away.
She didn't move that tree a bit, but she did gouge a deep muddy rut in my yard. Just when I was about to write the whole experience off as yet another ordeal with a nut she hopped down and helped me clear the remaining limbs and branches, many of which were far too heavy for her to carry. She didn't have to do any of this and I told her so, but she told me she was happy to do it. We talked about alpacas and horses and how I needed to bring Amy over and spend the night in her and her husband's guest room because, "it's god damned cold as shit."
I walked with her to get my mail as she drove out onto the street. She argued with me that they hadn't delivered the mail for two days and I told her I watched the carrier drop it off. That got her excited to get home, so with another whoop and a "cold as shit!" she was gone. I got into my car and was, for perhaps the second time in my life, thrilled to have a seat warmer. I sat and thawed and decided gasoline and hot lunch were in order. In addition to my own food I bought Nefret and the two barn dogs, Freyja & Howell, Double Quarter Pounders from McDonalds. I was a very popular Papa.
I'm currently in bed with Amelia, Stella, George, Josephine, Fergus (all cats), and Nefret and I'm still cold. Amy will be here tonight and she's booked a pet friendly hotel suite for us, Nefret, and her dog Scout so they can be warm and can stretch out. We'll be scrunching up blankets and comforters for the cats.
It's currently 3:34pm and it's 48 degrees in the house, 24 outside. <br />