SO Far I've written 2 blogs on the subject of my mental health journey and what has lead to it in the past 4 months..
Figured it was about time I let you guys know where I'm at now.
I have had 5 appointments with my psychologist and have just been approved for 5 more with the help of Medicare by my GP last week. This is the max amount of appointments that my Mental Health Care Plan covers before I have to front the whole bill.. I'm hoping I wont need anymore or that the new year comes around and I can get a new plan. We'll have to wait and see I guess.
I have been on Sertraline aka Zoloft for 2 months now..
The only side effects that have concerned me are these random suicidal thoughts that pop up into my head out of no where.. I have never had these thoughts since everything happened and they're really extreme.. but I always brush them off really quickly as I would NEVER do anything like that or even think it but I've brought it up with my GP and as long as I can still brush off these thoughts it's not a huge concern... only if I linger on these thoughts and let me that full volume is it a problem..
I've also noticed I seem to of lost the ability to cry.. like.. at all. I can't even really remember the last time I cried? It just feels crazy extreme considering I was crying at least once a day for a few months.. It's good but there have been times where I could really use a good cry ya know? I dunno It's helping me function a lot better.
I'm testing this crying thing out now by watching Inside Out which ALWAYS makes me cry. so we'll see.
I never really know if the therapy is working.. like how do you even know?!? it's been good getting some things off my mind that I cant share with family and what not.. but I feel like she keeps trying to talk about other things rather than the main issue.. but then on reflection I can see why she does that...
Like focusing on other family relationships other than my currently estranged twin sister..
As well as focusing on having a good routine and eating and sleeping properly which is pretty much fixed! My appetite is back and sleeping is solid. Probably helped by working at the cafe 9 hours a day from 5am - 2:30 I have a good routine which helps me from giving into being sad too much..
I haven't put any weight back on though.. still at 48 kilos (roughly 105lb) which for my height puts me kinda underweight but my eating is good and my exercising is consistent so my doctor isnt too worried and I trust him.
I guess right now I'm in this weird limbo of waiting to see whats going to develop between me and my sister.. when and if we start talking.. I really don't know how to handle anything with her..
I still have horrible dreams about her and have days where I am incredibly sad either in general or about her and everything. I've had to really set some rules with my family and my partner about not showing me photos of her or telling me things shes up to because it really just hurts me.. I've had to avoid going onto my other instagram so that I wont stalk her seeing as she doesnt have me blocked on that one.. It's a real mind fuck not having your twin sister talking to you.. and I still don't really even know why..
it's nearly been 6 months.. also last month at my moms birthday my partner asked my parents how she was doing.. and we talked a bit about it and I said to mom surely she still asks how I am?
no. no she doesn't. she has never asked about me or how I'm doing in the past 6 months. She doesn't know how much I'm struggling because of her, that I'm seeing a psychologist or that I'm on antidepressants.. nothing. she doesn't even care enough to ask..
that really killed me..
so that's basically where it's at right now.. I have another appointment in a bit over a week.
I've also been giving into a crazy need for tattoos recently.. probably because I quite like the pain. I use to cut myself when I was younger. I would never do that now but getting tattoos allows me to put those feelings and desires into a beautiful artwork on my body and meet that need without actually cutting myself. I don't know if this is a good thing?
So I'm well I'm not okay but ya know.. I'm better than before anyway
<3
Happy Easter Everyone!
