I feel like.. the stars are aligning for me to write this blog post.. and to ask for some help.
Sydney, Australia ladies if you see this please read on, please some advice, especially those of you who see a psychologist in Sydney..
Now if you’ve been following me or have known me for a while you’ll notice a few things..
1. I NEVER talk about mental health.. my deepest sad feeling or ANYTHING of that nature.. it’s a rule I’ve had for many years
2. That being said its obvious from a lot of my photos in sets and selfies that I have scars on my legs
3. You may or may of not noticed an absence in me talking about family, especially my twin sister lately.
So here it is.. I’m breaking my rules, I’m breaking the barrier. I just watched Buzz Feeds video on people talking about their first thereby session in light of Mental Health week. Everything is lining up for me to ask for this kind of help so I’m doing it!
SO something all of SG Australia should know is that my twin sister Emily, stopped talking to me after I got home from getting married. I remember the day so clearly that she finally told me she’d been ignoring me on purpose. I cried all day in bed.. I cried like I hadn’t done since I was 14. It felt like someone had broken up with me, I felt empty and alone, especially with some serious family issues that arose due to getting married to my girlfriend. It was also the closest I’ve ever gotten to wanting to cut myself again.. this scared me.. a lot.
First thing I did after recovering from that day was to tell me parents I needed to talk to them. Very weird for me.
I cried a lot.. all through my youth they had been sitting me down and talking to me about things against my will about god, being gay, getting in trouble ect and for once I was coming to them. I told them about what was happening as well as some hurt feelings I had over my wedding and life to do with them and me ect. It was surprisingly great to talk to them as equals rather than someone less than them. Me and my parents are pretty great.. I feel like we took a much needed step and we have the best relationship expected for us and I’m okay with that. What stemmed from this conversation for me to do with Emily though is I then took it a step further and removed all evidence of her from my life.. This made her furious.. which was odd since she was the one ‘needing space’ first. ANYWAY I think at the time I couldn’t even really explain it I just knew I needed her out of my life.. I didn’t know why I just knew it in my bones.. the last thing she ever said to me was ”fuck you.”
Now weeks passed, I knew I was feeling all messy inside but didn’t know what to do.. I started dreaming about Emily, constantly, every night, I have been crying a lot more. I’ve been discovering all these issues and things that have risen out of the depths of my mind. I realized last week after stumbling across a photo of her that even with her out of my life I have issues.. Issues I need to deal with like crazy.. Not so much to do with things Emily had done to me, but things that have happened in her, our family’s life and the way I handled it, or the lack of handling it that is now consuming my every thought as an adult. And just not having her in my life isn’t going to fix them.
Anyway that’s when I realized I needed help. Like my growing anxieties issues that I have been ignoring for the past 2 years with such determination wasn’t enough..
But I had no idea what to do with this realization.. So I organised a lunch with my Mom. One that she had been talking about wanting to have in Newtown with me for a while. So we had lunch earlier this week, she’s just gotten back from seeing my sister and I ask her quite seriously “How is Emily doing?” From that stemmed the best possible conversation I could have expected. The moment she hesitantly suggested I see someone, I was like YES that’s actually want I want to talk to you about!! Now my mom’s a nurse, she works with depressed new moms and babies, and like the rest of my family has a lot of experience with mental issues considering everything I went through as a teenager with my twin sister. ( I know I’m being vague here but its ultimately my sister’s story and not mine to tell you guys) So mom's told me what I need to do now.
Hard thing is this time of year sucks for trying to put this plan into motion. I need to book an appointment with my long time standing (14 years) GP and create my Mental health plan, so that Medicare will cover most of the cost to see someone. AND obviously find someone I am comfortable with seeing and talking to… which is the tricky part. Especially since my GP lives back where I grew up over an hour away and not in the city his recommendations are slim in my area.
So here’s where you guys come in.. Mom has suggested if I know anyone who sees a psychologist in Sydney to get some advice or recommendation from them on whom to see. That way I can try and book them now for the new year in preparation for my appointment with my GP. So that after my plan is made and Medicare approves my 6-12cheap as appointments, I don’t have to wait months to see someone.
(Medicare for people outside of Aus is like our health care system, it covers a lot of costs for specialist and stuff)
Putting this plan into action makes so much sense to me, like my head is a crazy messy room but it’s okay because I have plans to get a cleaner in! haha I felt a massive weight lifted and I now know why I had to remove my sister from my life. I need to not have her there are I try and work out these issues that ultimately have to do with the way I’ve dealt with things she’s done and put me through in life. Not her fault at all but because they stem from her I just needed her gone. I’m really glad that feels clear to me now because I was such a mess before just even thinking about her and now I know that we are exactly the way we need to be right now.
Also I came home on Thursday night to find a Christmas card from my sister. The day after talking to Mom. I recognized the hand writing on the letter straight away. Besides obviously wishing me a Merry Christmas it was like a letter of acceptance at where things are right now and that its okay.. And I feel like that was a really big sign that I’m heading in the right direction and that felt really settling for me.
Anyway thanks for reading and if you have any recommendation for psychologists in Sydney please let me know! Feel free to message me or DM if I have you on Facebook. I really appreciate any advice or help you can give me!
xxx
