This loneliness is killing me. The more I go out and try to something- with my fellow human beings out there, the more I wish I can stay here in this room. The more I stay in this room, the more I wish I could go out and something- with people out there. I feel a complete lack of belonging. Physical, emotional, intellectual, spiritual you name it. I have become the proverbial round peg in the square hole.
Round peg, as in Im fat why wouldnt I be? Ive been fat all my life. I even once got called a RAMBO with TITS. I was around 8 or 9, getting out of a pool at a neighbors house. I was playing with a toy machine gun.
Ive tried really hard to go out there and something-. I dont understand why I fail. Could it be that Ive managed to get to a place where I am no longer an interesting individual, but just another one in a myriad of individuals? Im unique, just like everyone else.
I talked a while ago with a friend back home. I trust her enough to talk to her about whats going on in my head, of how I feel. She told me that, in her opinion, the reason I fail to something- up here in the north is because of my weight. That came as a surprise to me. After all we used to fuck regularly: I never heard her complain about me being a big dude. Her, not being a chubby chaser, actually liked the fact I was big.
And thats the thing I am not morbidly obese. Yes, I am overweight, and I have a belly. Im right there on the verge of being a fat slob and a husky guy. Where its hard for me to find a pair of pants that fit me on a regular store AND at Big and Tall store. I am in that grey area of what would be considered OK by the general populace, and them fat outcasts.
I feel like an outcast even among the outcasts. How fucked up is that?
The worst part is that now my subconscious mind has become aware of the fact that I am lonely, and its trying to make me feel better. When I sleep, I dream and when I dream, I often dream of belonging. I have such wonderful dreams that it makes me dont want to wake up.
Take today, for example. I woke up around 10 am. I went to bed last night at around 4am; I wanted to catch the meteor shower. I went out, and sat alone for a while. Saw one of the many meteors we wouldve been able to see, was joined by my roomie who in frustration compared the whole thing as a very frustrating blowjob. As in when a girl licks your cock and then doesnt do anything else for another 10 minutes. I agreed, and went inside. We agreed to come back out later to catch the apex of the meteor shower. That never happened: I got thinking, and realized that it wouldnt be worth it, as we are in the suburbs, ergo a suburban area, and the light pollution would diminish the experience. On top of that I have no one to REALLY share that experience with. So I went to sleep.
I kinda went to bed hoping I would just pass out and wake up today, not remembering my dreams. But that was not what happened. I dreamed. I dreamed hard.
Are you familiar with the concept of your Anima/Animus? I am so fucking lonely, out of place and -something- that my Anima has been showing up in my dreams nonstop for the last month or so.
The worst part of that is that my Anima pulls from my subconciousness and becomes this amalgam of experiences I treasure. And I dream. I dream of finding someone to belong to, someone to belong with, someone who belongs with me, and someone who wants to be with me. Someone who makes me feel safe, needed, wanted like I matter, like I am important, loved, even.
And I dream, and it is wonderful, and it feels good I open up and all this feelings of inadequacy just disappear and I am ok and all will be ok
Then I wake up.
And I am back here, in this cold little room, on my own, facing this shit once again.
Fuck, damn autocorrect! I meant to say YAY! TITS AND ASS! WHOO HOO.
Yeah Tits and ass.
Round peg, as in Im fat why wouldnt I be? Ive been fat all my life. I even once got called a RAMBO with TITS. I was around 8 or 9, getting out of a pool at a neighbors house. I was playing with a toy machine gun.
Ive tried really hard to go out there and something-. I dont understand why I fail. Could it be that Ive managed to get to a place where I am no longer an interesting individual, but just another one in a myriad of individuals? Im unique, just like everyone else.
I talked a while ago with a friend back home. I trust her enough to talk to her about whats going on in my head, of how I feel. She told me that, in her opinion, the reason I fail to something- up here in the north is because of my weight. That came as a surprise to me. After all we used to fuck regularly: I never heard her complain about me being a big dude. Her, not being a chubby chaser, actually liked the fact I was big.
And thats the thing I am not morbidly obese. Yes, I am overweight, and I have a belly. Im right there on the verge of being a fat slob and a husky guy. Where its hard for me to find a pair of pants that fit me on a regular store AND at Big and Tall store. I am in that grey area of what would be considered OK by the general populace, and them fat outcasts.
I feel like an outcast even among the outcasts. How fucked up is that?
The worst part is that now my subconscious mind has become aware of the fact that I am lonely, and its trying to make me feel better. When I sleep, I dream and when I dream, I often dream of belonging. I have such wonderful dreams that it makes me dont want to wake up.
Take today, for example. I woke up around 10 am. I went to bed last night at around 4am; I wanted to catch the meteor shower. I went out, and sat alone for a while. Saw one of the many meteors we wouldve been able to see, was joined by my roomie who in frustration compared the whole thing as a very frustrating blowjob. As in when a girl licks your cock and then doesnt do anything else for another 10 minutes. I agreed, and went inside. We agreed to come back out later to catch the apex of the meteor shower. That never happened: I got thinking, and realized that it wouldnt be worth it, as we are in the suburbs, ergo a suburban area, and the light pollution would diminish the experience. On top of that I have no one to REALLY share that experience with. So I went to sleep.
I kinda went to bed hoping I would just pass out and wake up today, not remembering my dreams. But that was not what happened. I dreamed. I dreamed hard.
Are you familiar with the concept of your Anima/Animus? I am so fucking lonely, out of place and -something- that my Anima has been showing up in my dreams nonstop for the last month or so.
The worst part of that is that my Anima pulls from my subconciousness and becomes this amalgam of experiences I treasure. And I dream. I dream of finding someone to belong to, someone to belong with, someone who belongs with me, and someone who wants to be with me. Someone who makes me feel safe, needed, wanted like I matter, like I am important, loved, even.
And I dream, and it is wonderful, and it feels good I open up and all this feelings of inadequacy just disappear and I am ok and all will be ok
Then I wake up.
And I am back here, in this cold little room, on my own, facing this shit once again.
Fuck, damn autocorrect! I meant to say YAY! TITS AND ASS! WHOO HOO.
Yeah Tits and ass.