burne

-the short story...
this ia perhaps the longest entry i've written. it's a story of a girl I liked, who I talked to again after 4 months last night. not that anything bad happen between us, but she's studying to be a doctor, so how many times can you get to talk to someone like that huh? I realized that my hopes for us..well..for me to her would probably never happen. I wrote a few long jornal enties on my laptop a couple of months back, and i thought I'd share them with you. so here goes:
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A month or so ago. Ashley wanted me to talk to a friend of his online. A friend whom he said has our sense of humor. I was hearing this earlier than a month ago, but I finally got around to talking to her a month ago. Since the Anita incident, I have basically shunned the internet, more than likely because its brought me more pain, than pleasure, but at the same time providing me with possibility of pleasure in the first place. So I talk to her, and I must admit I thought she was awesome, she got into the same jokes that I was in, everything for us clicked, and it felt good that I didnt have to explain my jokes, or censor myself especially to a woman. This girl is incredibly attractive too, which was a very special added bonus. After I talked to her the next day I went out and got a web-cam, reinstalled yahoo, and was ready to chat.

We start to talk, and we are just on a roll, last week it got to a point where we were talking about ourselves, a subject that we didnt get into til last week, and one day I just said I really like youdo you like me too and she said yes. A day or so after that I start finding myself in situations in which I cared, and it started to freak me out. In a way I was happy that these feelings were back, but at the same time, it felt too familiarwhy was I repeating myself? Why was I determined to hurt myself? Did I learn anything from this the first time around. It seriously got me depressed; because I cared. I cared enough to be in some way controlled or get into habit with her. Id make sure I was around the computer at a certain time if she did come online. Id feel a sense of hurt when she logged off. I was dependent

That night I just felt like taking a break from the whole online thing. It reminded me about Anita, it reminded me about the pain that this could led too, and since it was a girl who liked me. It was too familiar, and the same thing(s) could happen again, but theres always hope. The sense that if you try this time, it will work out. The feeling that only comes through a sense of weakness. I will not lie to you I was weak, because I wanted her. I should say I want her.
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I checked online one last time last Thursday, and I saw her on, and I struggled not to talk to her but I did, and we talked about each other, and it was the best. I saw old pictures of her, we insulted each other, and we kind of learned more about each other. It was great. It is just going to perfectly, and then she asks for my phone number to call, and she calls, and her voice is just as cute as she is, and we talk about relationships, and we do the same things we are doing on the computer but on the phone, and it seemed like there was no difference between the two mediums and us. We get to the relationship part of the conversation, and I learn that she has a very skewed sense of perception about relationships, it was probably the only flaw in her, and it was a major one (for me at least). See, she grew up, or knew women, friends who were dumped or fucked over by their boyfriends. You know guys whod fuck someone and then leaveyeah that type of person. Anyway shes only known that type of guy, and she feels like she shouldnt get into an relationship, or at least fall in love cause she feels the same type of situation is going to happen to her. A understandable argument, but she lacks hope. The same hope that I have for her in a way. Its the same hope that yes, it will lead to a sense of weakness, but its also good because maybe theres something positive in this whole mess, but she needs to trust, and I dont know. I want her to trust mein that way, cause to be honest I sort of need her. Shes new, and shes different, and she makes me happy, and if it meant something like I couldnt have sex with her for her own good, like lets say I could have her, but in having her, I couldnt have sex. I would take it. I want someone to have fun with, but more I need someone whos going to trust that Ill put her best intentions first, even if that meant that she had to put her career in front of me.
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Heres a conversation I had with Cris, the girl whom Im really fond of:

enol2a7: well I always think that I'm never going to have you, so I figured I have to jerk off to you
x: LOL
x: i said id fuck u
enol2a7: hahahaha...just once?
x:nah
x: i'll fuck u mOre haha
enol2a7: is there anyway of you caring about it enough to not label it as just fucking?
x: intimate
x: lol
x: their
x: there
enol2a7: do you understand where I'm coming from though?
enol2a7: at least tell me you understand
x: about how you want to be with someone special to be intimate
enol2a7: yes
enol2a7: do you think you can be?
enol2a7: for at least 100 times
enol2a7: HAHAHAHA
x:can be what
enol2a7: someone special to be intimate
x: lol you're weird, guys wouldnt mind having a fuck and a friend
x: i dont think i can do the relationship
enol2a7: ok
enol2a7: thats cool
x: i'm sorriess! i still wanna be ur weirdo girl
enol2a7: ok course
x: i wanna chill with you seriously, like play ketchup packet wars and everything
enol2a7: your always gonna be a good friend of mine

so yes, I have the high possibility of having sex with cris. This isnt the first time I couldve had sex, and theres a strong chance that I am going to have sex with her, and lose my virginity. This year, or at least in the past month or so, my virginity has been a cause for concern, sure Its been a issue for some years, but I guess during those years Ive never had a urge to lose it as I do in the past couple of weeks, normally I know if Im going to make love, have sex with someonemost of the time is not, but I really like her, and I think with enough time together, we might come to that point where, we actually express ourselves on a sexual level
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long huh? well i spoke to her last night,and in the process, I forgot how outrageous is was, everytime I wanted to ask her something serious, she was like in another world...seeing new pictures of her, was comforting that i knew she still looked good, but i dunno, it seemed that all that hope i wanted amounted for nothing in the end. whatelse could i say.