Thursday Nov 04, 2004

0


I "almost" had this girl, I flew all the way to Florida to tell her I was in love with her. I was 19 at the time. it was the worst week of my life. to make a long story short. I never told her that, and I was heartbroken. after that, I realized that I had no feeling, like I'd kiss a girl, or want to be with them, and I couldn't feel. I wanted to mentally, but I never had that "I feel whole" as I did way back then. it was for the best. I was ignorant. love was something I thought I could translate from movies...standing out into the rain screaming I love you, when in reality all you are is getting wet.

I remember the last time I had some sort of feeling.

she said:
"steve, I never knew you had a camera

I said:
oh yeah. I got it before I came here

she said:
well, how come you didn't take any pictures of me

I said:
I dunno,I guess cause I only want pictures of the best times of my life

and that was it. now I kinda see myself as a person looking inward. I see relationships, and kissing, and hugging, and I just comment about it in art, and in my book. it's like looking outside from the bottom of a well, i suppose.
VIEW 7 of 7 COMMENTS
noctem:
Man, I forgot to tell you yesterday, congradulations on that review. Sounds like you're doing great things. biggrin It's cool that people can connect with your work on such a personal level, rather than just, "Oh yeah, I like the art in it," you know?
amaris:
mine was when my first love started talking to me less and less, and i knew something was wrong but whenever i managed to talk to him (it was a long distance relationship) he'd say he was going through something and he couldn't talk about it yet... finally i logged into his email and read one he sent to some girl, and he sounded like he was flirting with her. that's when my heart really broke, because i knew it was over. then i found out from someone else a couple weeks later that he was dating this other girl... then later that he was cheating on her with someone else... etc. etc.
it left me really depressed for months, i'd thought i would've married him, he'd been my world.
it made me hate all men and lose trust in people for a long time. and i've never been able to love anyone quite the same since...
but all things considered, i think it was a good thing for me. i learned a lot about myself and the world and came out so much stronger and more independent.
he was in florida too, i was 17, we're good friends now though.
"like I'd kiss a girl, or want to be with them, and I couldn't feel." i had that too, but i think i'm mostly better now.
ah, love...

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