so for those that may have missed the memo, i went to a private, fundamentalist christian college for a year and a half (2000-01). yes. i know. to know me now and to know me then... there is very little resemblence (as you may have guessed when i mentioned running into a high school friend). i wasn't allowed piercings (though i did get my eyebrow done and wore a retainer most of the time) or tattoos. no smoking or drinking or sex. curfews. separate girls and boys dorms. dress code. mandatory chapel. the whole deal.
i hated it the first semester because it was not at all what i expected. i just can't be confined like that. and i also can't be in a place that i'm not allowed to think for myself, that my appearance, my beliefs, everything, has to fit a certain mold. i thought i could be okay there. i was a christian, after all. but these were not the good kind. at least not a lot of them.
anyway. i almost left after my first semester, but stuck out the second. that's when i became friends with kyle. i'd known him because he was on my brother hall and i actually remember the very first time i ever saw him over orientation weekend. but we really started hanging out towards the end of our freshman year.
this is where i don't know how to explain it. because people say, "well, what was the big deal?" and i guess... he was amazing. he was funny and he was intelligent and we had so much in common. i fell heels over head. the summer between freshman and sophomore year, we both ended up living near school for a little while. we'd hang out at denny's every night and drink coffee and talk. talk talk talk. read. discuss. smoke. there are so many good times that i remember. and then some weird shit started happening. and then he went back home and i did too.
and by the time school started again, the weird shit was a lot worse. and, hey, i'm 20 years old and my best friend, who i also happen to be in love with, joins a cult. hey. no big deal, right?
only it was a huge deal. so huge that i left. because i've had some really hard times since then and i've been in really bad places, but... that was an entire semester of fighting. fighting to understand, fighting to hold my ground, fighting to keep my head intact, fighting him, fighting to keep a hold of him somehow, fighting to bring him back.... and after all that fighting and not getting anywhere... fighting other people that were supposed to be my friends... i was done. i couldn't do it anymore. it was hell.
and so i left. he stayed one more semester and went back home as well. i have not seen kyle in 3 years. i have not spoken to him. i have barely talked to the people that knew him. i have gone on believing that he is still where he was when i last saw him, still in the cult... still with the light gone out of his eyes... and i have been destroyed by it.
oh, melodrama. but that's how it feels. i have seen 3 different counselors, about to go onto my 4th. i have been on medication for over a year now. and i have no answers. and there is this void that just... sits there. i have been angry at god for 3 years. i've barely been in a church since. and not to say that organized religion is the way to go, but... that's a severe 180.
all of this to say that kyle's old roommate found me on myspace. and it brings it all back in a way that... i can't explain. i have wanted my friend back for so long... i want to know that he's okay. and i want to know that he understand what all of this did to me... and to other people. because his roommate left as well. the last time i saw him, he was probably worse off than i was...
but still. what's the big deal, huh?
and this is so fucking long.
and it takes more time than i've ever had
drains the life from me
makes me want to forget
as young as i was, i felt older back then
more disciplined
stronger and certain
but i was scared to death of eternity
i was saved by grace but destroyed by naivety
and i lied to myself and said it was for the best
and now faith is replaced with a logic so cold
i've disregarded what i was now that i'm older
and i know much more than i did back then
but the more i learn, the more i can't understand
and i've become content with this life that i lead
where i drink too much and don't believe in much of anything
and i lie to myself
and say it's for the best
i hated it the first semester because it was not at all what i expected. i just can't be confined like that. and i also can't be in a place that i'm not allowed to think for myself, that my appearance, my beliefs, everything, has to fit a certain mold. i thought i could be okay there. i was a christian, after all. but these were not the good kind. at least not a lot of them.
anyway. i almost left after my first semester, but stuck out the second. that's when i became friends with kyle. i'd known him because he was on my brother hall and i actually remember the very first time i ever saw him over orientation weekend. but we really started hanging out towards the end of our freshman year.
this is where i don't know how to explain it. because people say, "well, what was the big deal?" and i guess... he was amazing. he was funny and he was intelligent and we had so much in common. i fell heels over head. the summer between freshman and sophomore year, we both ended up living near school for a little while. we'd hang out at denny's every night and drink coffee and talk. talk talk talk. read. discuss. smoke. there are so many good times that i remember. and then some weird shit started happening. and then he went back home and i did too.
and by the time school started again, the weird shit was a lot worse. and, hey, i'm 20 years old and my best friend, who i also happen to be in love with, joins a cult. hey. no big deal, right?
only it was a huge deal. so huge that i left. because i've had some really hard times since then and i've been in really bad places, but... that was an entire semester of fighting. fighting to understand, fighting to hold my ground, fighting to keep my head intact, fighting him, fighting to keep a hold of him somehow, fighting to bring him back.... and after all that fighting and not getting anywhere... fighting other people that were supposed to be my friends... i was done. i couldn't do it anymore. it was hell.
and so i left. he stayed one more semester and went back home as well. i have not seen kyle in 3 years. i have not spoken to him. i have barely talked to the people that knew him. i have gone on believing that he is still where he was when i last saw him, still in the cult... still with the light gone out of his eyes... and i have been destroyed by it.
oh, melodrama. but that's how it feels. i have seen 3 different counselors, about to go onto my 4th. i have been on medication for over a year now. and i have no answers. and there is this void that just... sits there. i have been angry at god for 3 years. i've barely been in a church since. and not to say that organized religion is the way to go, but... that's a severe 180.
all of this to say that kyle's old roommate found me on myspace. and it brings it all back in a way that... i can't explain. i have wanted my friend back for so long... i want to know that he's okay. and i want to know that he understand what all of this did to me... and to other people. because his roommate left as well. the last time i saw him, he was probably worse off than i was...
but still. what's the big deal, huh?
and this is so fucking long.
and it takes more time than i've ever had
drains the life from me
makes me want to forget
as young as i was, i felt older back then
more disciplined
stronger and certain
but i was scared to death of eternity
i was saved by grace but destroyed by naivety
and i lied to myself and said it was for the best
and now faith is replaced with a logic so cold
i've disregarded what i was now that i'm older
and i know much more than i did back then
but the more i learn, the more i can't understand
and i've become content with this life that i lead
where i drink too much and don't believe in much of anything
and i lie to myself
and say it's for the best
the way i see it is if you can get back in contact with him and get to have a long talk everything will feel better.