today i ran into one of my close friends from high school. and we're talking EARLY high school. he was in my store and i just kept staring at him. he's lost a lot of weight and i wasn't entirely sure if it was him. he finally looked at me and took a second and said my name like, what the fuck?
he just kept saying, "what the fuck happened to you? last time i saw you, you were hardcore fundamentalist christian..."
yes. well. you haven't seen me since high school, friend. it's been over 5 years now. 4 since i left my first college and fell from grace...
it was really nice to see him and he is... familiar. he is not the boy i knew so many years ago, but i am not the girl i was then, either. i think he was feeling me out about being a lesbian by asking if i hung out at the dyke bar in town. before i "found god" i was into girls as well as boys, so i'm sure he was trying to gauge where i stand now.
he hasn't kept up with anyone else from high school. he confirmed that my high school boyfriend (the one that really counted, at least) is, indeed, a cokehead now. we talked for a minute about how everyone who should have been smart enough to do Something with their lives has ended up drugged up or coked out or drunks or fallen off the face of the planet. and it's true. i hung out with a lot of really smart kids -- this guy included -- and not many of them went on to do anything of what they could have.
listening to him talk and thinking about it now... we've all been so self-destructive. what is so horrible that we keep running? running and running and running and it occurs to me that maybe when i start to think the meds aren't doing what they should, that i am really trying to find some magic pill to get rid of all of these things... what does it take to get numb? what does it take to forget? what does it take to just be okay for even a litlte while?
the funny part of him constantly asking what happened to me is that i am more like i was when i knew him than when last i saw him.... if that sentence makes sense.
everything comes back around.
even people, i guess.
i'm tired
cynical and broken but wiser
heavy with a sense of a resentment
but i used to be so much different
used to have so much faith
he just kept saying, "what the fuck happened to you? last time i saw you, you were hardcore fundamentalist christian..."
yes. well. you haven't seen me since high school, friend. it's been over 5 years now. 4 since i left my first college and fell from grace...
it was really nice to see him and he is... familiar. he is not the boy i knew so many years ago, but i am not the girl i was then, either. i think he was feeling me out about being a lesbian by asking if i hung out at the dyke bar in town. before i "found god" i was into girls as well as boys, so i'm sure he was trying to gauge where i stand now.
he hasn't kept up with anyone else from high school. he confirmed that my high school boyfriend (the one that really counted, at least) is, indeed, a cokehead now. we talked for a minute about how everyone who should have been smart enough to do Something with their lives has ended up drugged up or coked out or drunks or fallen off the face of the planet. and it's true. i hung out with a lot of really smart kids -- this guy included -- and not many of them went on to do anything of what they could have.
listening to him talk and thinking about it now... we've all been so self-destructive. what is so horrible that we keep running? running and running and running and it occurs to me that maybe when i start to think the meds aren't doing what they should, that i am really trying to find some magic pill to get rid of all of these things... what does it take to get numb? what does it take to forget? what does it take to just be okay for even a litlte while?
the funny part of him constantly asking what happened to me is that i am more like i was when i knew him than when last i saw him.... if that sentence makes sense.
everything comes back around.
even people, i guess.
i'm tired
cynical and broken but wiser
heavy with a sense of a resentment
but i used to be so much different
used to have so much faith
VIEW 7 of 7 COMMENTS
very smooth.