For some reason today feels like the worst day in more than a week and I dont know why.
She has been away at a convention since Thursday so I havent had to see her and havent been tempted to call or text. Ive remained busy with finishing up my adult education course, fixing my basement and hanging out with friends, but today Im by myself and feeling alone.
I used to look forward to Sundays. It was the one day of the week in which I knew Id be done with work by Noon. She would sit on the couch beside me and do her work and once we were done wed go run errands or go wine tasting or walk the dog or just sit around and watch tv. But what I miss most is waking up next to her. I miss the sounds the house used to make when shed make breakfast or play with the cats or any of the random things wed do during the mornings.
For the last six months wed taken to going for long bike rides on a canal trail on Saturdays and for a while we were both sore on Sundays. I remember massaging her legs and feet to help her feel better. I remember her trying to return the favor, but her massages hurt more than they felt good (but I never said anything).
I dont know why the empty is welling up in me today, other than Ive spent the last four rushing around trying to keep the darkness at bay by staying one step ahead. Wake up, look for jobs, work out, shower, run errands, look for more jobs, play video games, watch a movie, eat dinner, play more video games until I cant keep my eyes open then start another movie until I pass out on the couch. Rinse and repeat.
My other thought on why I may be facing a rough day is last night on my way home from a friends I had the depressing naively-hopeful thought that maybe the reason she has not started packing is that shes not sure this is what she wants. For a flicker of a moment I wondered what itd be like to have her come home tonight and tell me shes sorry. That shed spend every waking moment making it up to me if only Id take her back.
Then the light turned green and I stepped on the gas and the 14-year old boy disappeared when he realized thats not the way adults behave and that I wasnt even sure if she said those words Id be able to forgive or forget.
She has been away at a convention since Thursday so I havent had to see her and havent been tempted to call or text. Ive remained busy with finishing up my adult education course, fixing my basement and hanging out with friends, but today Im by myself and feeling alone.
I used to look forward to Sundays. It was the one day of the week in which I knew Id be done with work by Noon. She would sit on the couch beside me and do her work and once we were done wed go run errands or go wine tasting or walk the dog or just sit around and watch tv. But what I miss most is waking up next to her. I miss the sounds the house used to make when shed make breakfast or play with the cats or any of the random things wed do during the mornings.
For the last six months wed taken to going for long bike rides on a canal trail on Saturdays and for a while we were both sore on Sundays. I remember massaging her legs and feet to help her feel better. I remember her trying to return the favor, but her massages hurt more than they felt good (but I never said anything).
I dont know why the empty is welling up in me today, other than Ive spent the last four rushing around trying to keep the darkness at bay by staying one step ahead. Wake up, look for jobs, work out, shower, run errands, look for more jobs, play video games, watch a movie, eat dinner, play more video games until I cant keep my eyes open then start another movie until I pass out on the couch. Rinse and repeat.
My other thought on why I may be facing a rough day is last night on my way home from a friends I had the depressing naively-hopeful thought that maybe the reason she has not started packing is that shes not sure this is what she wants. For a flicker of a moment I wondered what itd be like to have her come home tonight and tell me shes sorry. That shed spend every waking moment making it up to me if only Id take her back.
Then the light turned green and I stepped on the gas and the 14-year old boy disappeared when he realized thats not the way adults behave and that I wasnt even sure if she said those words Id be able to forgive or forget.