First off, what a frickin' gorgeous Saturday! It's not 4th of July yet, but my roommate and I are gonna fire up the coals anyway, make margaritas and mojitos, and relax. I have a ton of work to catch up on, but I'll do it Monday/Tuesday...the weekend is sacred. THere is a big company BBQ today..I probably should have gone, but it's WAY up in Marin County...to hell with that. Plus, it's mostly for couples and families...going stag to those things sucks...everyone feels sorry for you. I do have to say that it's been eating away at me lately...the fact that all my friends I've known for 10+ years are all getting married...buying houses...having kids. I'm just kinda floating...makes me wonder when this whole life of mine is getting started. I have no real responsibility to anyone but myself...and my cat I guess.
Some people call it freedom...I call it pathetic. It's like what I was saying a couple weeks ago about feelings like Camus' "Stranger"...the feeling of aimless inertia in my life. So I go to work every day...eat...drink..sleep...hang out with my friends...but there's no "point" to it. People say "sieze control"...well, you know, I AM in control, but I don't know where to go. My career is probably at it's pinnacle, which is depressing on its own, I'm content with my hobbies and my level of creative expression...so...where else do I go?
I suppose my next challenge will be to "grow up", "settle down", and start a family. But what's the point of that? What if it's really not what I want and I pass the point of no return. What if I become one of those dads that just kinda comes home at night from work, eats, then retires to some private area until the morning. It's a huge gamble. I think one of the reasons I haven't made that step yet is I have what people describe as an "intense" personality. People work hard at opening me up, only to be overwhlemed by the relentless waves of emotion, ego, whatever you may call it. Whether I'm on some diatribe about the decline of the human race or want to have some philosophical discussion about chaos and order, there is always an intended target...mainly whomever is in the room at the time. I can see myself becoming one of those old crazy guys you see in the streets of SF...mumbling to himself...shaking his fist at passers-by.
The problem is when I'm "on"...people just wanna turn themselves "off"....probably like right now. 
I saw some woman on the bus the other day...she was nearly in tears about the fact that she just went on some shopping spree and the transactions were posted before her direct deposit went through, causing her rent check to bounce. For some reason she was under the impression that it was her bank's fault. She was on the phone with her bank I assumed...that poor person was being asked "Where did I spend money on Wendesday?"..."How much did I spend there?"..."are you sure?"..."doesn't it have the store name in the transaction?" It's good I'm in a position where I don't need to deal with the public...I would have been fired that day for sure. Here's a concept...save your fucking receipts....oh and here's another concept...don't fucking go on a spending spree when you have rent due. This woman was probably in her late 30's, so it's not like this was all new to her. Fucking dumbass...
Well, it's nearly time to stop typing so I can go to the store and buy some steaks. For some reason Ribeyes are more than tenderloins...what the hell is that? $11 per pound?! Granted, they are damn good steaks but, holy shit. I think I'm also gonna pre-cook some onion and bacon to mix up witht he hamburger before they go on the grill. I'd love to get some chicken, but I suck at grilling so it's always either burned or raw inside...at least beef is good that way .
Some people call it freedom...I call it pathetic. It's like what I was saying a couple weeks ago about feelings like Camus' "Stranger"...the feeling of aimless inertia in my life. So I go to work every day...eat...drink..sleep...hang out with my friends...but there's no "point" to it. People say "sieze control"...well, you know, I AM in control, but I don't know where to go. My career is probably at it's pinnacle, which is depressing on its own, I'm content with my hobbies and my level of creative expression...so...where else do I go?
I suppose my next challenge will be to "grow up", "settle down", and start a family. But what's the point of that? What if it's really not what I want and I pass the point of no return. What if I become one of those dads that just kinda comes home at night from work, eats, then retires to some private area until the morning. It's a huge gamble. I think one of the reasons I haven't made that step yet is I have what people describe as an "intense" personality. People work hard at opening me up, only to be overwhlemed by the relentless waves of emotion, ego, whatever you may call it. Whether I'm on some diatribe about the decline of the human race or want to have some philosophical discussion about chaos and order, there is always an intended target...mainly whomever is in the room at the time. I can see myself becoming one of those old crazy guys you see in the streets of SF...mumbling to himself...shaking his fist at passers-by.
The problem is when I'm "on"...people just wanna turn themselves "off"....probably like right now. I saw some woman on the bus the other day...she was nearly in tears about the fact that she just went on some shopping spree and the transactions were posted before her direct deposit went through, causing her rent check to bounce. For some reason she was under the impression that it was her bank's fault. She was on the phone with her bank I assumed...that poor person was being asked "Where did I spend money on Wendesday?"..."How much did I spend there?"..."are you sure?"..."doesn't it have the store name in the transaction?" It's good I'm in a position where I don't need to deal with the public...I would have been fired that day for sure. Here's a concept...save your fucking receipts....oh and here's another concept...don't fucking go on a spending spree when you have rent due. This woman was probably in her late 30's, so it's not like this was all new to her. Fucking dumbass...
Well, it's nearly time to stop typing so I can go to the store and buy some steaks. For some reason Ribeyes are more than tenderloins...what the hell is that? $11 per pound?! Granted, they are damn good steaks but, holy shit. I think I'm also gonna pre-cook some onion and bacon to mix up witht he hamburger before they go on the grill. I'd love to get some chicken, but I suck at grilling so it's always either burned or raw inside...at least beef is good that way .