"No dad, you did it because you're an asshole."
When it comes to masculinity I think we need to have a conversation about what it really means to be "tough." Toughness up till now has pretty much always referred to your ability to withstand physical violence or bodily strain all while prioritizing the men who can "tough it out" over those who supposedly "break easily." Any situation where men feel the strain is too much got them bullied endlessly as if that was supposed to somehow make them "better." But when it comes right down to it this constant drive to be the toughest or the baddest of them all has done more to break men than enhance them with any kind of positive trait. If that wasn't bad enough this drive to be the toughest of the tough has even expressed itself outwardly in terms of physical violence towards friends and family. Children and spouses have very often suffered abuse as a result of a man who "has something to prove" and suffered greatly as a result of his outbursts up to and including, death. Even those men that never lay a hand on anyone in anger can cause lasting harm through hurtful speech and mannerisms. This drive to keep our feelings buried deep down inside and lash out just to show the world how tough you are is something that has got to stop.
But if we're going to do anything about this aspect of toxic masculinity we need to understand the source of it. It's not hard to figure out, way back when men were literally the defenders of the home. The wives would pack up the kids and haul ass while dad stayed behind to fight whomever was coming to town to kick some ass. It was necessary to preserve the generations of the family who otherwise could be (and sometimes were) wiped out. This is where the "I did it to make you tough" meme comes into play. The sons had to learn how to fight pretty much as soon as they were big enough to carry a weapon of any kind. The more fighters a village had the better the defenses. It made sense at the time but fast forward to present day and this is much less of a problem, especially here in America where that kind of thing never happens. The need to be seen as the toughest and baddest man around was a viable defense mechanism when your house could be raided by blood thirsty bandits at any time. But now it can't, so you don't need to act that way anymore. Why do we then? Unfortunately, the answer isn't quite as straight forward as one would assume.
Even in modern times the family dynamic remains largely the same. Husband and wife raise kids together. Husband works, wife stays at home and raises the children. The nuances of this dynamic can vary wildly (i.e. wife and wife or husband and husband or the wife works and the husband stays at home, etc...) but for the most part this is how most families operate. As a result we tend to instinctively fall back on those former roles that were once required for our very survival even though they aren't anymore. The working for a living that we do now fills in the space once occupied by tending the fields or hunting and gathering did millennia ago. Ergo, the desire to remain the toughest and the baddest of them all still has an outlet to express itself in. What was once a blood soaked field of violence is now a boardroom full of greedy executives. The stakes might be different but the emotions that drive us are exactly the same. So it should be no wonder why we continue to push ourselves to be "Mr. Tough Guy."
So recognizing our current society and how the demands on men are vastly different is step one. Step two is recognizing how damaging the "Tough Guy ideal" is to us and those of us we know and love. Not allowing ourselves to enjoy certain activities with our kids because they aren't "manly" hurts our children in ways we're only now beginning to understand. Volunteering to help your daughter in ballet class can strengthen the bond between you and your child and be a great help to your wife as well. Let's face it guys, we aren't the only ones with responsibilities and hobbies around the home. Sharing time with your children is one of the most important ways you can strengthen your child and make them ready for the world that lies beyond. However, there's a side benefit as well. You become a stronger person inside. The patience needed to raise children can be applied to so many aspects of your life from your work environment to playing online video games. Although it was the hardest thing I ever had to do raising my daughter as a single dad probably saved my life in ways I'm not even aware of.
Even if you don't have any kids then you've still got avenues ahead of you to explore. How many hobbies or activities have you scoffed at outwardly but secretly wished you could partake in? I bet it's a lot. Don't wait till you have a little one in tow to give yourself a chance to play. Even we adults need to play and the best things to play with are the things that make us happy instead of tough. You can always hit the gym and lift weights but why not stop at the craft store on the way home and pick up some supplies? For what? Who gives a fuck? Make t-shirts, dresses, cybernetic costume pieces for your cat, whatever suits your fancy. Use a sewing machine, a power drill, learn the difference between an application and an applique'. This bullshit idea that only certain activities should be for men or women has been archaic and obsolete for centuries. We need to overlook how "masculine" or "feminine" certain hobbies are and just fucking do them. Not because it'll make us tough but because it'll make us who we were always meant to be.
Last but not least we need to open up to one another. Men are hurting. That's not a cry for sympathy from women, that's an admission of fact from a man to any others that may read this. I hurt, you hurt and worst of all we're hurting each other. No, we're killing each other with this toxic ideal that toughness is what it's all about and any one of us that doesn't feel that way should be taught a lesson. From now on men, if one of us is hurting reach out. Give him a bro hug and/or an ear to vent at. Watch him cry. Cry with him. It's not weakness. It won't make you a sissy. It'll make you tough. It'll make all of us far tougher than we ever could be beating the shit out of one another.