Woaaah boy. It's been a while since I last did a proper post or really gave a big life update in general! So I figured now is the time.

I can't remember if I've said on here, but I've had a rough few months (well, year really). I ended my long term relationship of 5 years in May after years of being stolen off and lied to as I tried my hardest to help them with their mental health battle but in the end it was proven time and time again they didn't want to help themselves and when that happens there's nothing you can do - so why put up with all the shit if they aren't going to fight? Now, I'm not saying I was perfect I know I'm far from - I know there were MANY times I was selfish, unhelpful, lazy and so on - but it was an emotionally draining battle that I would most definitely compartmentalise for a good few years. I'd be sort of in denial (always figured things would be great again once he got through the depression and out to the other side) and would always be constantly putting myself second (emotionally) to try and help them get better but it was always a losing battle.. but it's all a learning curve and it's safe to say I've learnt A LOT in that relationship. I do, however, still hope he gets the help he needs and the fight to better himself so he can find true happiness because everyone deserves that. Although there has been a lot of hurt and difficult times I refuse to be bitter over such things, life's too short after all!

But as you can imagine, all of this has had a lasting toll on me. I'm still working through a lot myself. Trying to find who I am again. Going through phases of loving, hating, being proud of and also loathing every aspect of myself. It's a long process but I'm hoping to get through it in time. So I'm going to document a bit of what I've been going through in the hopes that it can be of some comfort to some people, so others can understand why I'm not as constant when it comes to social media and modelling and to generally get it off my chest! So apologies that it isn't totally the happiest post, but don't worry there will be a lot of happy things in here too!

So, let's get into it! I've been doing a lot of reflecting and self-evaluating recently which is why I thought now is the perfect time to write this blog. I think my biggest realisation has been in seeing that I've been a shell of myself almost, I've been on auto pilot for as long as I can remember and I'm really trying to get out of that. I still feel like I'm just existing rather than living, but I'm working on it. As I always do I've been solely focusing on my job (my day job) and nothing else really, I've just been working and working and not doing anything for me. I literally work all day, then come home and basically sit and wait until it's bed time so that I can go to sleep. I'll get stoned every night just because it passes the time, takes the edge off life and gets me to the next day quicker. I've gotten myself a very unhealthy relationship with food where I'll only eat in the evenings and that's only if I force myself and because of it I've lost a lot of weight so I really need to work on that now before I literally waste away. It's not been easy, let's just say that. I've struggled a lot this year and it's by no means over. I have a lot of work to do to fix myself and a lot of work to get my life to where I want it to be.. but I know I'll get there. I've already started to make some positive changes, I'm working on myself.

Don't ask if I'm happy, you know that I'm not. But at best, I can say I'm not sad - Lana Del Rey, Hope is a Dangerous thing for a Woman to have

There have been a few song lyrics that have really resonated with me recently, so I'm going to quote them throughout this blog post too.

It's really tricky for me, I'm the sort of person who needs to heal on their own. I need to let my soul heal and it's a very slow and painful process. I need to, and have been trying, to reach out more often when things are bad. Last Thursday was one of the worst emotional days I've had in a while. I literally got home from work, collapsed on the stairs and sobbed all night but I tried and I reached out to my Mum (who is the most incredible woman, she has been my absolute rock and best friend throughout everything. I am unbelievably blessed to have her in my life). I even mentioned how I was struggling with my workload to my boss (which I never do! I'm a crack on and get it done sorta person) which eased things up MASSIVELY so I at least went into the weekend with a more positive outlook. However, as the song lyrics above say I'm not sad, I rarely am, but I'm definitely not happy. Happiness is my goal, and I have hope I'll get there, but I know I still have quite the journey ahead.

I shouldn't have done it, but I read it in your letter, You said to a friend that you wish you were doing better, I should have reached out but I never said a thing - Lana Del Rey, California

Sorry there's lots of Lana lyrics because I'm obsessed with her new album ha ha!

Although there obviously has been a lot of shit going on (that's life) there have been a lot of positives. I still feel like I've auto piloted a lot of the things I'm going to mention but it doesn't mean I didn't have fun or absolutely adore the people I've met/spent time with. So I'm gonna pop some of my fave memories from the past few months.

SGUK Shootfest

Now this was ages ago but it was so great. This was literally like 2 weeks after the break up ha ha! I wasn't myself really, had gained tons of weight and hadn't prepped and primmed myself but I still went and shot loadsa sets ha ha! It was so nice to meet all the amazing girls I had spoken to for over a year and they were all as amazing as I expected. That's the best thing about shootfests, SG people are just the best. I definitely need to get down to a dis-grace night so I can catch up with everyone and see all of their faces. It's tough living up North!

I didn't really take any pics whilst I was there so have a preview from the set I shot with @dollyd whilst I was there, it's currently in the queue!

Berlin

Me, my mum and my sister had a weekend in Berlin in August. Even if we do wind each other up and annoy the heck out of one another it's always lovely to get those weekends away with them. If you didn't already realise, my family are my heart and soul. The weather was baking, it was nice to explore a new place, eat out and just relax really!

Here's me and my sister trying to navigate our way around ha ha!

Amsterdam Hopeful Shootfest

This was such a lovely, and eventful weekend!! My goodness. Again, everyone was absolutely amazing and I love all the people who were there. It was so nice to just hang out, shoot, and smoke ha ha! Saying that, I didn't actually smoke that much whilst I was there which is good. I did end up being really poorly on the last night/morning - as in full on stomach bug dying. I ended up booking onto an earlier flight just to get home but I was worried I wouldn't even make that as I felt like I was going to pass out but every time I tried to sleep I'd wake up a couple of minutes later feeling 10 x worse so I didn't even know what to do. BUT I will forever be eternally grateful to @doozy - she was nipping the shop and asked if we needed anything and I just went MEDICINE please, no specifics. She went to like 3 different shops just to find me something to help, and it did - massively! It was like day and night. I went from dying to living my best life, which is SUPER lucky as me and @suzylee absolutely fucked it and missed our flight so we ended up getting an extra like 8hrs to explore Amsterdam instead, actually ended up being an amazing day! Whilst there I shot one set with @niallpatterson my very first cosplay set. Can't wait to show you guys, although I'll probably only be able to submit it in March next year with how my schedule is looking, whoooops. I was devastated that I was too poorly on the morning of the last day to shoot with @atlanticlungs, still keep thinking about it and it's so annoooying that my body was having none of it. I guess I'll just have to nip over to Australia at some point instead.. no biggie ;)


I haven't mentioned them but I also want to give a big shout out to @medusaw and @ofeliah because they are such beautiful souls and it was so great to meet them at Amsterdam too! Plus want to give an additional shoutout to @niallpatterson because he has been such an incredible friend and support for me going through all of this. He always checks in on me, even checked in to make sure I was taking my anxiety meds before Amsterdam - he is an utter legend and I am beyond blessed to have him as a friend.

Spice Girls Bus!!

Last but not least, I got to visit my favourite girlies @asxna and @sammiii down South (down, down South haha!) and we stayed in the actual Spice Girls bus from the move which was so cool! It was amazing to get to see Sammi whilst pregnant, and even when she was about to pop she looked absolutely incredible as always. I love hanging with these two, they make my soul smile whenever I'm around them. We had a take-away and watched films, I got into the dressing gowns provided and popped on a face mask to make the most of the experience ha ha! I do love these girls so much.

Don't go out much at all, I've never been the type to call, I realise to be happy maybe I need a little company - Marina (and the Diamonds), Happy

So I guess that's it! I've still got a lot of learning, growing, healing and discovery to go but I know I'll get there in time. It isn't going to be easy and it isn't going to be straight forward but I have hope and aspire to reach that happier life, I just need to put the work in for it now! If you're still ready, you're a trooper and thanks for taking the time to read this MASSIVE blog post. Hopefully the next one will be a bit cheerier.

Signing off now,

B x