Mortality has me in a vice grip.
I have been distant and I don't know when I will be back. Life is a daily stuggle for me at this time. I am wrestling... wrestling with mortality I guess.
The mortality of those around me and on a more existential level my own.
Both my grandmothers are ill. One more so than the other treatment is done. All that is left is hospice care. This is what she wants. I have been spending 3 nights a week taking care of my two grandmothers. I am emotionally and physically exhausted and my soul has dropped into anxiety's grip and I do not know when she will release me.
When my grandmothers pass that generation will be gone from me now. My last great grandparent was gone when I was around 15.
My mother passed 10 years ago.
Both grandfathers have passed in the last 4 years.
My father is ill, but he will muddle through likely another 20 years if all goes well. But I will end up taking care of him at least the last 5 of that I am sure.
My relationships have never come to the point where I have had offspring.
When the time comes and all others are gone, who will care for me. I don't know. I see the loneliness in my grandmothers faces and some fear and trepidation at the oblivion of death. Sometimes I wonder how much their faith comforts them. If this is how they feel facing death with their faith and family beside them. How will I cope with neither faith nor remaining family when the time comes.
My uncle died last year.
Time is short and I have wasted so much of it on a mouse wheel I do not know how to escape from.
I just don't know how to summon the strength to bear the look on my grandmothers face much longer.
But bear it we do, for this too shall pass.
Sean
I have been distant and I don't know when I will be back. Life is a daily stuggle for me at this time. I am wrestling... wrestling with mortality I guess.
The mortality of those around me and on a more existential level my own.
Both my grandmothers are ill. One more so than the other treatment is done. All that is left is hospice care. This is what she wants. I have been spending 3 nights a week taking care of my two grandmothers. I am emotionally and physically exhausted and my soul has dropped into anxiety's grip and I do not know when she will release me.
When my grandmothers pass that generation will be gone from me now. My last great grandparent was gone when I was around 15.
My mother passed 10 years ago.
Both grandfathers have passed in the last 4 years.
My father is ill, but he will muddle through likely another 20 years if all goes well. But I will end up taking care of him at least the last 5 of that I am sure.
My relationships have never come to the point where I have had offspring.
When the time comes and all others are gone, who will care for me. I don't know. I see the loneliness in my grandmothers faces and some fear and trepidation at the oblivion of death. Sometimes I wonder how much their faith comforts them. If this is how they feel facing death with their faith and family beside them. How will I cope with neither faith nor remaining family when the time comes.
My uncle died last year.
Time is short and I have wasted so much of it on a mouse wheel I do not know how to escape from.
I just don't know how to summon the strength to bear the look on my grandmothers face much longer.
But bear it we do, for this too shall pass.
Sean
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Forgive me if I express absolute amazement over what you are having to deal with right now. It sounds as if you are being emotionally and physically taxed to the limit. Taking care of two elderly people is a tremendous, tremendous responsibility. My immediate concern is: DO YOU HAVE HELP? Any other family members? Professional caregivers? You cannot adequately care for your lovely grandmothers if you are totally and completely overwhelmed. It is essential that YOU have a support-system, as well. Though what you are doing is a beautiful and noble thing, you must try your best to ensure that your happiness is not sacrificed on the altar of family obligation. I'm sure your grandmothers would want for their beloved grandson a full, satisfying life.
That little mouse wheel can be a pretty tough thing to escape, but not impossible. You still have plenty of time, my friend.
Thank you for your kind words regarding the loss of my sweet boy, Newman. Death is such an inevitable part of life, and yet we are so seldom prepared for it. *sigh*
Take care, guy. Let me know how things are going with you.