bria

The only time I write shit is when I'm pissed or sad. I guess I put it here cause I know no one will see it.

so last night was bittersweet. Going away party for one of my coworkers and friends. Everyone was crying and he gave a pretty kickass speech to the whole bar. Jay broke down. He's manic as fuck right now, couldn't sleep til like 9 this morning.

I wish i could figure all of this out. I was ridiculously emo yesterday. I finally went to get my stuff from Jay's and bombarded him with everything. He's not fucking someone else. He told me he just wants to forget about the opposite sex for awhile and even though he doesn't show it, he is sad that we didn't make it. We're still friends,...
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I will not allow myself to be in pain. He is my best friend, all I need is a few days away, then I can come back and be ready to see him. ready to be his friend again. I can't cut him out of my life completely, that just won't work. Our lives are too integrated. I love him so much.

I can't believe I"m already losing him. I'm getting progressively worse at relationships. When did I turn into the girlfriend no one wants to be around? when did I stop being happy at all? when did I become this miserable human being that is just a drag to be around, who can't laugh anymore? Maybe I"m destined to be alone, not alone, but romantically alone....
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My dog is wearing a rugby shirt and I'm drinkin coffee from our brand new, $100 coffee maker. God I'm an asshole.

If my dogs eat one more pair of underwear, they're both going to the pound. grrr. Not really.

On a lighter note, I woke up this morning crying. I was dreaming that Mark was the last person that loved me and I was begging him not to leave me. I was also realizing, in my dream that is, that both my parents were gone and...
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So I bought my ex a teddy bear when we were together, one ofthose with the heart that says "shit bitch you is fine". I saw a pic of it in flux's photos. Until then I had forgotten I ever got it for him. I thought of it sitting in our old house, or thrown away, or whatever the hell ever became of it, and...
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I want to be sober again. I need a break, but I don't know how. I let it get out of control again.

I was a totally different person when I started this account. It's strange to look back at my blogs and remember the way I felt, the way I viewed certain aspects of my life, and the way I am now. I feel more content. I think I know myself a little better. My experiment in Virginia opened my eyes to things I would never have...
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This is not my problem. This is not MY problem. This is NOT my problem. Fuck it. Uncle.

I get so tired. I'm tired of pretending I'm not a female. I'm not like most, i don't freak for no reason or get pissed because you want to drink at noon on tues. I don't want to take you shopping with me or expect you to go to sleep at nine because I'm tired and I NEED you to fall asleep. I think that...
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