brecca

I recently found out that I have bipolar disorder. My whole teenage life i would try and figure out what was wrong with me why I'd be so depressed and suicidal for no reason, why I was so reckless and harmful to myself, why sometimes i could go days without sleep and then spend a whole month crying and sleeping. I knew something was wrong and wanted to know why I didnt want to stop cutting but it never occured to me that there was something chemically wrong with me. I just hoped that one day id wake up and everything would end up ok. That I would not have to worry about how I was gonna end the day feeling or what I was gonna say to people. My doctor says that she doesnt believe ill get better unless I take the meds she want me too but im scared...yes I wanna get better but I guess I always wanted to believe I could do it on my terms. I guess im about to share way to much info but in january I attempted suicide and I realized that this is bigger than me this is bigger than a few small mutilations and im weak. I dont know how to be anything else. ive been lying to myself for waaay too long. I dont know what I expect you guys to do or say but your my only friends and I guess im hoping letting you guys know will make me feel better. Maybe im hoping theres someone out there whos feeling the same things. maybe I just want a hug :/ Im done now im not saying goodbye no worries Ill be back I wanna fight this Im tired of being scared of myself... Thank you for reading...