brazyn

so i've put off writing about this for a bit and now i feel like it's time... i'm at the point in the processing period that writing about it, getting input, all that jazz, will help me--at least that's the hope. this will probably be long so if you've got shit to do i wouldn't bother (at least not for the moment ).

first, to give a little background to the situation, i was doing this guy starting around new years (we'll call him mike); he basically thought he was a badass but it turns out he's actually just a raging alcoholic. so a few months later the whole situation was too much drama for me (for numerous reasons--one of them being that i knew he wasn't good for me when i was all hung up on his bad-boy heartbreaking abilities) and decided we shouldn't be sleeping together anymore. we decided to be friends.

within a couple weeks mike brings over a friend (we'll call him alex) that has been over a few times before, and we're all drinking and what not. mike texts me telling me that alex likes me, but i tell him it doesn't matter to me because they're friends and i'm not a homie-hopper like that. he keeps texting me throughout the night about how alex likes me, which i thought was a jealousy thing. later that night though, alex and i are talking and he tells me that mike had told alex i like him. seeing as i'd never done anything of the sort, i confront mike and he is forced to confess that he did tell alex that, but only to "give him confidence". i get pissed that he put me in that position and we don't talk for a few weeks.

fast-forwarding to three weeks later: i had been out partying at the bars on a saturday night and it was about two in the morning when i got a phone call from mike, who was with alex at a party, and the drunken pair needed a ride. by that time i had eaten some food, gotten in my pajamas, all that shit, but i figured i could just go grab them and drop them off so they would get home safely--i have this inexplicable need to help people no matter how shitty they've been to me. so i picked them up and ended up going inside for a minute, which turned into an hour, and a beer, which turned into a few more drinks. they were wasted and somehow i caught up fast...

at some point mike started squirting me with a water bottle, which he thought was even cooler when he realized i only had a tshirt on, and before i knew it him and alex were drenching me with water. the situation turned from funny to what?! about as quickly as i'd managed to get drunk. to be honest i don't remember how it happened but i remember that i was on the ground, alex straddling me, trying to tickle me and kiss me. i kept turning away and trying to squirm out from under him but then mike came over with a kitchen knife they'd had out earlier and cut off my clothes. at that point i didn't know what to do, i kept saying that i didn't want to but alex just kept touching me and before i knew it mike was gone and i was left completely naked with alex on top of me. that was when i gave up, decided to get it over with. he kissed me and didn't even notice i wasn't kissing him back....i tried to pretend to myself that i wanted to do what i was doing but i couldn't wait to leave.

i was supposed to work that morning but i went home and locked myself in my room, turned off my cell phone, and cried. the no-call no-show could have cost me my job but i didn't care, and i didn't even sleep for hours despite being up all night. for me the hardest part is that in the past couple years i have become a no-nonsense kind of girl--the kind who stands up for herself and what she believes in and doesn't take bullshit, especially from guys. but there i was, getting fucked by some guy i didn't like and didn't want to be having anything to do with, and why? because i drank too much? partly. i know that what they both did was fucked up but at the same time i can't help feeling i played my part by letting myself get drunk enough to get taken advantage of like that.

anyway, i just had to vent about it, share with people who might have a more objective view of the situation than someone as closely involved as i am.... hope i didn't depress anybody i swear i do feel better though, so thanks ahead of time! lol