Sat. January 11

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I'm really struggling with a lot of random thoughts at the moment.

First off, I'm obviously worried about the whole weight thing. I know it's a process, I didn't put it on overnight, I won't lose it overnight, I'm just worried about plateauing or gaining. I've been super faithful to the challenge. Not perfect, but still really good. Been working out. No chocolates, no pastries, etc. I've just heard that your body can get too accustomed to a low cal diet and then you stop losing weight. I'm sure that I'm fat enough that that won't be an issue, but it's still worrisome. And then I'm worried about worrying cuz I know that that can make you put on weight too. Ugh, God damn. I probably need to just relax and trust that things will be ok.

I also have a lot of "messed up" thoughts per se. Nothing too weird or sadistic or whatever. I just feel like I have a very overactive imagination and I'm forever going over various scenarios pertaining to things going on in my life. Just to clarify, I have hypothetical verbal confrontations with people who have fucked me over in the past. Like, I plan what I'll say to them if and when the moment presents itself, and also if I should be the one to go to them first. And I think I have a problem with letting things go. Like grudges and events and things that have been said to me, even from years ago. I don't forgive people, like, ever. Someone accidentally bumps into me on the street and says sorry, that's fine, but if you've screwed me over ever, no way. I personally know that staying mad at someone is exhausting (in more ways than one), but I feel like if I just forgive and forget, the other person has "won". And I have a few more minor issues that I should probably talk to a professional about, but I don't wanna be psychoanalyzed and I'm not crazy, so that's not happening. As bad as it sounds, I feel like I just need more (or better) friends that I can use as sounding boards. For a different perspective and just to get things off my chest.

Anyway, that's all. Just gonna try to enjoy the rest of my weekend and make sure I keep on track.

VIEW 4 of 4 COMMENTS
blackhelix:
That can definitely be true at times.  I don't think you're crazy though, the second part of your blog talks about going over scenarios in your head and possible outcomes of conversations and stuff like that, I do that a decent amount too.  As for not forgiving someone that screwed you over I think that's normal as well.  It's hard to let certain things go especially if they've caused you pain of some sort.  Try your best to do the things that make you happy and don't worry about what other people think.  Other people come and go all the time but you have to live with you your whole life.
bellaswan:
I can relate with so much that you are writing here! I mean I never realised it until I read this post that I pretty much do all the same things! I over imagine absolutely everything, like you said, down to situations with people who have fucked me over in the past.  I think about what I'd say, how I would say it if I was to see/confront them! I also have the issue where I always think they have 'won' if I forgive and forget.   I find that my grudges have altered my life a lot though, I have let people just wander out of my life purely based on the fact that I wasnt willing to forgive.  I have lost a very good friend from exactly that problem!!   I only have 1 friend, she is my best friend and the only person I can trust with anything, everyone else are just aquaintances! I also have my boyfriend who I have a very decent relationship with and can trust him wholly but I find it difficult to trust anyone else at all!   I hope it doesnt alter your life half as much as it has mine!! 

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