a heartfelt thanks to everyone who took time to leave me kind words over the past few days. we buried my grandmother yesterday. i didnt like seeing her in that casket. she looked like an alien--so unfamiliar. i paid my last respects and gave a kiss to her firm unyielding flesh. it was nothing like the kisses i had given her all my life and the coldness of her skin stayed on my lips long after i had sat down and the service began.

my oldest daughter, the only one of my kids who really knew her, was strong but tearful. she sat next to me during the service and i held her close and wiped her tears and a few of my own. as for my dad, he was as i have seen him all my life. an emotionless rock that gave away nothing of what he was feeling as the rest of his siblings, nieces and nephews unashamedly allowed their grief to show. if he felt anything, he masked it very well. just as when my other grandmother passed, i was asked to speak during the service. as i spoke, i looked all around the audience. yet for some reason, i was unable to make eye contact with my dad.

the trip was a good one. for the first time in ages, everyone from the family was there. my 8 cousins, our 23 children and all 11 of the children of some of the 23. my dad would always send pictures of me and later in life, my kids, to my grandmother and she would display them proudly in her home with pictures of all the other grandchildren and great grandchildren. so even though this was my first time seeing some of these people, they all knew who i was. numbers were exchanged. pictures taken. stories shared.

i have struggled with trying to understand why my father has remained so distant from such a great group of people. sure, the clan is in no way lacking for drama--some of which threatened to jump off at the funeral--but when you distill away all the surface shit, we share the same hopes and dreams. some of us have just happened to do a bit better in certain areas.

more than anything else, i am thankful that i had this opportunity to bring my wife and kids into contact with my family. i still know precious little about some of these people. but now i have the means to take the initiative and change that. my parents actually tried to talk me out of bringing the kids with me. but these past few days together have only strengthened the bond between my wife, kids and i. which of course is exactly why i made the decision to do it. no matter what happens for the rest of our lives, we will all have this shared experience to recall.

its snowing here and we have to prepare to head back. not the bullshit frosting that we get in the midatlantic. this is serious hardcore snow, wind and hostile winter weather. we will leave milwaukee and journey through chicago and into gary, indiana where i am told the weather should ease up. once in indiana, we journey east passing south bend (which sprouts up like a pimple of industry and civilization along an otherwise rural and scenic indiana roadway) and into ohio. the ohio turnpike takes us through toledo and further east until we finally reach pittsburgh which will most likely be sometime around midnight tonight. we'll spend the weekend in pittsburgh where i will drop of the girls. on monday, me the boy and the wife will journey home and life will resume as normal.

driving has always been a good way for me to think and reflect and process things on my mind. i will have no shortage of time to do that today although i know that some things will require ongoing consideration. one thing i do know is that i don't want a funeral when i die. no casket. no viewing. no tears. i want the occasion of my passing to be marked with the same vibrance and passion that i have strived to inject into my life. i want music. i want dancing. and for those who REALLY know me (and after the kids have gone to bed) there better be a fucking orgy too! throw my body in a pine box and burn that bitch to ashes. then commit those ashes the the earth, air and seas at goree island so that i can finally return home.