i will probably miss my weekly therapy session tomorrow, so this post is designed to compensate. its pretty fucking long and somber. so if you want, check out some light hearted humor instead.
sometimes i wonder if i am doing the right thing because i have never EVER been as close to being evicted as i am right now.
i had just finished a 2 hour meeting yesterday morning when i got back to my desk and see an email from my wife telling me "we have a very serious problem. call me ASAP". turns out we got a nastygram from the rent office stating that if the rent wasnt paid by the end of the day, they may have to serve us with notice to vacate.
maybe i suffer from delusions of grandeur, but i have never felt as though i was destined to live a "normal" life. when i was younger, i pursued various entrepreneurial ventures including my own music production company and recordinig studio. later, i started my own multimedia design company and ran that business for 5 years. now i am making a go of it in the adult industry.
its not that i desire to be famous. well, no more than any other person i suppose. i think there is a part of all of us that wouldnt mind having some level of celebrity status, even if only for a short time. but actually, my reason for pursuing these options is due more to a desire of mine to NOT live a mundane existence and to leave my mark on the world in some way. from music to design to porn, i have sought to do things in my own way. moreover, i want to be in control of my own destiny. make my own decsions about what i do each day and not be reduced to a rat in a maze scurrying for a bit of cheese.
but all of this comes with a price. see, i have 3 kids. my son (6) lives with my wife and myself while my girls (7 and 12) live in pennsylvania with their mothers. shortly after my oldest was born, i channelled a lot of my disposable income into my musical endeavors. i was convinced that it would be a worthwhile investment. instead, i ended up running up some debt and demolishing my credit. at the time that the other two were born, i was working a job that sucked but paid well. eventually i left that job to start my design company. i thought i would be able to grow it to the point that it could provide sustainable income. instead, i got further in debt.
currently, i work a job that sucks even more than the last one but pays the best i have ever been paid. and i just got a decent salary increase as well. while i am making a decent amount of money i know that someone with my skills can make more. the only thing is, the companies that i would have to work for to get that kind of money, are defense contractors like Northrop Grumman, Lockheed Martin and other contributors to the american war machine. at this point, that is just NOT something i am prepared to do.
so back in march, my wife had become fed up with her job and wanted to leave. she was incredibly supportive of me when i followed my heart and chose to start my own business. so i felt reciprocity was in order. i looked at the numbers and felt confident that i could cover everything on my salary. sure it would be tough at times, but with the website supplementing the income, it shouldnt be an issue. she has put up with a lot when it comes to me and i just want her to have the time to follow her dreams and find herself for a change.
you know its hard out here for a pimp,
when you tryin to get this money for the rent
its been touch and go the last few months but ive been able to pull through. the last 30 days however have been the worst. i had to get the cars re-registered which included paying outstanding parking tickets ($120) plus a fee for HAVING outstanding parking tickets ($60) plus a past due amount for a lapse in state mandated auto insurance coverage ($450) plus and additional amount for a second period of lapse in same ($300) plus the tag renewal fee ($120). all of that money spent in one day. the following weekend we had to go to pennsylvania for my brother-in-law's wedding, so add up the cost of gas, tolls and clothing for the event. then i had to pay over $1300 in tuition and registration fees for my son's school. and all of these expenses are ON TOP of normal things like rent (late again), gas, parking, child support, groceries, my oldest daughter's tuition payments and more.
i knew delaying the rent would be a gamble, but not only did i have no other option, i was hopeful that the ineptitude of the folks in the rent office would work to my advantadge as they would probably move slowly in filing the neccessary paperwork...indirectly granting me extra time to avoid eviction. and before you ask, i had tried in the past to talk about partial payments or other solutions...but its all on a system. they dont accept partials. so basically its, "fuck you pay me".
well the good news is, we arent getting evicted. tomorrow is payday and i will take care of everything in cash, as originally planned. there is still the chance that we can get a notice to vacate. its not an eviction. but it would basically say, "get the fuck out in 30 days". i am prepared to appeal such a request and can back it up with 2 months of rent (our lease expires at the end of the year and we were looking to move anyhow). it would be up to them to decide to let us stay or not. either way, i am prepared. if we have to move in 30 days it will suck, but we will do it.
while its nowhere near where i would want it to be, the money situation has improved greatly in the past few days. my pay increase combined with solid business from my website and freelance projects and the absence of any known abnormal expenses means that i'll be in a position to handle these expenses on time for a change, and still have some extra left over.
and that of course is what brings us full circle. because inevitably, the extra cash will be invested into my side projects. while i have the utmost faith in my ability and product and substantive demand for things like DVD projects that will be releasing later this year, there is always that voice that tells me i shouldnt do it. my last two ventures (music and design) failed and this one will do the same and i should quit while i am ahead and stop wasting my money on foolish pursuits so that i can be "responsible".
i dont like living like this but i feel its a temporary thing. i feel really confident about what i can do and what is to come. but i have felt that way before. and my kids aint gettin no younger. if my gamble pays off, i'll be in good shape. but if it doesnt...
sometimes i really wonder if i am doing the right thing.
sometimes i wonder if i am doing the right thing because i have never EVER been as close to being evicted as i am right now.
i had just finished a 2 hour meeting yesterday morning when i got back to my desk and see an email from my wife telling me "we have a very serious problem. call me ASAP". turns out we got a nastygram from the rent office stating that if the rent wasnt paid by the end of the day, they may have to serve us with notice to vacate.
maybe i suffer from delusions of grandeur, but i have never felt as though i was destined to live a "normal" life. when i was younger, i pursued various entrepreneurial ventures including my own music production company and recordinig studio. later, i started my own multimedia design company and ran that business for 5 years. now i am making a go of it in the adult industry.
its not that i desire to be famous. well, no more than any other person i suppose. i think there is a part of all of us that wouldnt mind having some level of celebrity status, even if only for a short time. but actually, my reason for pursuing these options is due more to a desire of mine to NOT live a mundane existence and to leave my mark on the world in some way. from music to design to porn, i have sought to do things in my own way. moreover, i want to be in control of my own destiny. make my own decsions about what i do each day and not be reduced to a rat in a maze scurrying for a bit of cheese.
but all of this comes with a price. see, i have 3 kids. my son (6) lives with my wife and myself while my girls (7 and 12) live in pennsylvania with their mothers. shortly after my oldest was born, i channelled a lot of my disposable income into my musical endeavors. i was convinced that it would be a worthwhile investment. instead, i ended up running up some debt and demolishing my credit. at the time that the other two were born, i was working a job that sucked but paid well. eventually i left that job to start my design company. i thought i would be able to grow it to the point that it could provide sustainable income. instead, i got further in debt.
currently, i work a job that sucks even more than the last one but pays the best i have ever been paid. and i just got a decent salary increase as well. while i am making a decent amount of money i know that someone with my skills can make more. the only thing is, the companies that i would have to work for to get that kind of money, are defense contractors like Northrop Grumman, Lockheed Martin and other contributors to the american war machine. at this point, that is just NOT something i am prepared to do.
so back in march, my wife had become fed up with her job and wanted to leave. she was incredibly supportive of me when i followed my heart and chose to start my own business. so i felt reciprocity was in order. i looked at the numbers and felt confident that i could cover everything on my salary. sure it would be tough at times, but with the website supplementing the income, it shouldnt be an issue. she has put up with a lot when it comes to me and i just want her to have the time to follow her dreams and find herself for a change.
you know its hard out here for a pimp,
when you tryin to get this money for the rent
its been touch and go the last few months but ive been able to pull through. the last 30 days however have been the worst. i had to get the cars re-registered which included paying outstanding parking tickets ($120) plus a fee for HAVING outstanding parking tickets ($60) plus a past due amount for a lapse in state mandated auto insurance coverage ($450) plus and additional amount for a second period of lapse in same ($300) plus the tag renewal fee ($120). all of that money spent in one day. the following weekend we had to go to pennsylvania for my brother-in-law's wedding, so add up the cost of gas, tolls and clothing for the event. then i had to pay over $1300 in tuition and registration fees for my son's school. and all of these expenses are ON TOP of normal things like rent (late again), gas, parking, child support, groceries, my oldest daughter's tuition payments and more.
i knew delaying the rent would be a gamble, but not only did i have no other option, i was hopeful that the ineptitude of the folks in the rent office would work to my advantadge as they would probably move slowly in filing the neccessary paperwork...indirectly granting me extra time to avoid eviction. and before you ask, i had tried in the past to talk about partial payments or other solutions...but its all on a system. they dont accept partials. so basically its, "fuck you pay me".
well the good news is, we arent getting evicted. tomorrow is payday and i will take care of everything in cash, as originally planned. there is still the chance that we can get a notice to vacate. its not an eviction. but it would basically say, "get the fuck out in 30 days". i am prepared to appeal such a request and can back it up with 2 months of rent (our lease expires at the end of the year and we were looking to move anyhow). it would be up to them to decide to let us stay or not. either way, i am prepared. if we have to move in 30 days it will suck, but we will do it.
while its nowhere near where i would want it to be, the money situation has improved greatly in the past few days. my pay increase combined with solid business from my website and freelance projects and the absence of any known abnormal expenses means that i'll be in a position to handle these expenses on time for a change, and still have some extra left over.
and that of course is what brings us full circle. because inevitably, the extra cash will be invested into my side projects. while i have the utmost faith in my ability and product and substantive demand for things like DVD projects that will be releasing later this year, there is always that voice that tells me i shouldnt do it. my last two ventures (music and design) failed and this one will do the same and i should quit while i am ahead and stop wasting my money on foolish pursuits so that i can be "responsible".
i dont like living like this but i feel its a temporary thing. i feel really confident about what i can do and what is to come. but i have felt that way before. and my kids aint gettin no younger. if my gamble pays off, i'll be in good shape. but if it doesnt...
sometimes i really wonder if i am doing the right thing.
phoenixgirl:
It's always hard when it comes to money and family. We have always had a hard time financially...funny thing is, my hubby makes a decent amount, but we have always managed to be behind, shuffling bills, ect...but then we get caught up for a bit, and all is well again. We work in jobs we don't like, but we have to pay the bills, and dont have the means to start a usiness that we would like...if this is something you are able to do somewhat comfortably, then do it...just make sure you have a roof over your head...maybe you can cut back in other area's to help you have more money, but dont give up your dream!!