Mood: Sinatra, Early Years
Disclaimer: In my mind at this point there seems a need to be more than one part to this: That is subject to change.
Things Happen For A Reason
I have thought deeply on whether or not to write this. I go in fully aware that is it more for myself that I do write it as it has always helped me to deal with tough and rough patches in life to do so. Even so, it is my hope that it might help someone who cares to read these words.
I do not ever expect anyone to believe what I do. Given the chance to have a good, open and intellectual discussion, I am always more than happy to explain myself. Although it is one-sided here, that is, in small, what this blog is about. Much more than that, too. Follow:
I will start with this thought and move on from there: Everything that has happened in our life, from birth to this moment, has made us the person we are now. All of the good, the bad, the traumatic, the loss(es); they are all the fire through which we all are forged. Change any of those events and we are someone else. Hopefully, we love who we are.
I won’t start quite so far back in my past, in fact only about ten to fifteen years ago. That was when my parents retired and moved out of Alaska and to Tennessee. I had made them a promise at the time that when they felt it was necessary when age brought about the need for more help and support that I would move close to them. There are other details that all pointed to the time I chose to finally move which I will skip, but the main impetus came when I realized that the boss at my job was cheating his clients and should this come to light it would reflect badly on all of us working there, and so began the process of pulling up stakes and relocating. As it happened, a previous boss and friend had moved to the East Coast and arraigned an interview with a contact which resulted in having a job as soon as I moved. Not a rich person, much of my belongings went into storage, a small trailer was loaded and hooked up to my Toyota Camry, and two months after that interview, the drive from Alaska to North Carolina was on!
I neglected to mention that my two cats, Japolo and Gigi were with me, in their cages, in the back seat facing one another. No way I was leaving them behind!
This move was in September of 2017. It took a total of nine days, sleeping most nights in the car (Which was amazingly comfortable!), with food in a cooler so no frequent stops were needed. Somewhere around the fourth day, I was in the Boise, ID vicinity and met up with my brother Doug who was performing in the Shakespeare festival there. Just so happened he was in a parody play involving my favorite literary figure Sherlock Holmes which, though I was unable to attend, was was gifted a coffee mug by him:
Here is where I jump ahead a bit. In April of 2018, Easter to be exact, Doug complained of pain in his right hip. Subsequent doctor visits showed he had an aggressive cancer. He passed on May 9th.
Had I not moved when I did, I’d not have had that last, great visit with him. Had I not moved when I did I would not have been able to visit him in the hospital or attend his funeral. Rather, I’d likely have been able to do one or the other, prices to fly from Alaska being what they were (and are).
There are a few other details that made the time of his passing even worse, more tragic; The 5th of May is his daughter’s birthday. The weekend after his passing was/is Mother’s Day. I know how I felt at his loss; I can only imagine how it affected my parents and I watched it happen, let alone the ashes that that Mother’s Day was.
So, here we are in this narrative, at a sad and depressing low. I will say that at approaching four years after his passing, we are all doing well, have coped as best as we could, with a strong faith and stronger familial bond.
If you haven’t yet be unfortunate to have lost a loved one, a small part of me envies you. This is not to ‘say’ that I do not miss Doug, I do, every day. But his loss has enhanced many things, as bizarre as that sounds. His daughter, for one, has expressed how she cannot remember much about him, his voice and such. She remembers times and knows she loved and loves him, but at such a young age to lose her father…
Well, because she has lost him, it has become very important to me to be in the best health I can so I can be there for her, be a father figure when needed, if needed, but mostly to be that connection to her dad. her mother does a great of that and being a single mother, again with strong familial support, so I take none of that from her!
She is such an amazing and aware little girl, too, showing many traits of her father. I could go on about her at length, but the point I am bringing to light is the grater good that has transpired since his passing. We have all drawn closer, and although I certainly would trade that to have him back, to be closer is such an incredible Blessing.
I can ‘see’ at this point that there will be at least one more part to this. So much to try and form into some sort of coherence.
As I mentioned before, I am writing this out for myself more than anything, as it helps me to get the thoughts and feeling out in writing. I did the same after his passing and though the exact reason why escapes me, emotions being what they were at the time, those writings became what I read for his eulogy. Something I wish I never had to do but could do no less for him. So this year, almost four years later, closing in on the anniversary my emotions are stronger than last year. It doesn’t matter why to me, as I’ve learned to accept them and deal with them. Still, here I am again, writing what the emotions seem to lead me to. Self help of a kind.
So many things have gotten so much better emotionally since we lost Doug. They are no longer crippling at times and perhaps the best outcome through it are all the memories that have become more precious and meaningful. It does happen often that a song or memory out of the blue will cause tears to flow, but although they are tinged with sadness, how could they not be, they are more along the emotion of happiness at the joy of having the memories, of having had the times to generate them. I look forward to telling my niece of them, of re-acquainting her with her father.
Things happen for a reason. God’s Plan, Fate, Happenstance, whatever you wish to believe it is. All I know is that the time I chose to move from Alaska seems to have been for so many reasons. I think I will deal with more of those reasons that have unfolded over the last few years in the next blog, but here, and not too well I think, I have been trying to show how Positivity can be maintained after a period of grief. It is consequence of the emotions I am in the process of accepting once more, but this is how they present themselves. I may get to the next part tomorrow, I may not. I need to let my thoughts percolate for a bit, it seems.
Let me leave this blog with this: with tragedy in Life, we can either let it ruin us or, after a time of adjustment, spur us on to better things, better ways of living, of experiencing the ordinary and extraordinary. I choose the latter, and am still learning how to do that every day. In a way, this blog on this site is one of those ways, so welcome!
