i was going to start this journal with "i am" and then list all the shitty qualities that i have and show....
i feel like a pathetic ass right now...first of all for writing about it, and second of all i have no reason to be depressed in my life right now...
i feel like im going no where....and i am doing nothing to change it....
i know things i should do to probably make my life better...but i know after a while of doing it i will start to hate it too..
ive told many people this before, if i could kill myself i would...i just wouldnt want to hurt my mom dad brother family friends...im not that selfish....
last night at a bar i almost started crying for no reason except i felt a little ignored...why.?....why im i acting like a big fucking pussy....
i want to establish myself in life but im toofucking scared.....
i want a wife....
i know i would be a bad husband...(in present time)
i want children...
i wont be a bad dad though.........
what am i talking about....how could i say i want these things when im feeling the way i am feeling....
i miss being comforted by my mom and her beautiful lies .........
i treat her like shit sometimes...
i love her so much.....
i hate society....and the things i hate about it, i just fuel more and more........
i dont pratice what i preach...
ive been skipping school ...and its only the first week.....
i care too much what people think about me...
i act like im "cool" and i dont care, but deep down inside all i want is peoples acceptance, and maybe the fact that they get me...
acting like i could give a bigger fuck about people....
i need to stop following...i just dont want to be alone...
i know people "get me," some at least......
but im a variety of personalitys.....
FUCk,,,,
i use to throw tantrums when i was a kid...i was such a bitch....
slamming doors and crying...i still do...except i punch the shit out of walls or scream until my eyes water up...
i dont do this often...actually i think the last time was around a year ago when i broke up with ann....i think its been longer then a year...(thats probably a lie)
i miss the comfort of having "my baby" the women to fill the void in my heart(gay)
but im such a contridiction......once im with this person and the novelty of passion and love wear off i want to be wreckless again and start drinking and partying...
why do we flirt with others when we say we are in love....
its hard not to look....
maybe im mad at myself for another reason .....
this does make me feel better, writing this down...
i always have this old NIN song running through my head...and the lines are cliche true and they eat at me...
i just want something i can never have...
man i must have been such a depressing child, listening to NIN and Nivana...loathing happiness in my pity
pity of upper middle class everything is fucking handed to me muther fucking selfish queer.......
productivity...
i say i want it...
i think jesse is watching the legend of 1900 in the next room.......
i love that movie so much...
i seriously dont know where i would be without music...im actually kind of tearing up now....
i love it so much.....
but sometimes i see a lot of shitty quaties in music, musicians, media, everything.....
i think i want to rape the world.....but the childish minded way of thinking in me says other..
you know what the worst thing in the world is....and excuse me for sounding sentimental (not like this whole journal hasnt) and like a queer...
but it is seeing your dad cry or a grown man you respect.......just thinking about it gets me....
i love my dad....
he makes my life worth living sometimes.....i just wish i told him that more.....
such an inspiration....handicap kid of 7...taking the recycling buisness and just expanding it to the largest means....then doing every little thing his family request, and taking care of us, not just immediate family, but my moms mom his mom, my moms sisters brothers....anyone who is blood that needs help...
hes such a sensitive man, yet he's still a "man"
i know im only 22 but i feel like ihave not accomplished anything.........
i havent cried in a while..and its needed.....
i think ive always try to make people laugh to help....(help others)
ive molded myself into a comedian...and when i dont act like a goof people ask me whats wrong...?
i always push against the door.....against the current...
wouldnt it be nice if we didnt have to deal....
i feel like a pathetic ass right now...first of all for writing about it, and second of all i have no reason to be depressed in my life right now...
i feel like im going no where....and i am doing nothing to change it....
i know things i should do to probably make my life better...but i know after a while of doing it i will start to hate it too..
ive told many people this before, if i could kill myself i would...i just wouldnt want to hurt my mom dad brother family friends...im not that selfish....
last night at a bar i almost started crying for no reason except i felt a little ignored...why.?....why im i acting like a big fucking pussy....
i want to establish myself in life but im toofucking scared.....
i want a wife....
i know i would be a bad husband...(in present time)
i want children...
i wont be a bad dad though.........
what am i talking about....how could i say i want these things when im feeling the way i am feeling....
i miss being comforted by my mom and her beautiful lies .........
i treat her like shit sometimes...
i love her so much.....
i hate society....and the things i hate about it, i just fuel more and more........
i dont pratice what i preach...
ive been skipping school ...and its only the first week.....
i care too much what people think about me...
i act like im "cool" and i dont care, but deep down inside all i want is peoples acceptance, and maybe the fact that they get me...
acting like i could give a bigger fuck about people....
i need to stop following...i just dont want to be alone...
i know people "get me," some at least......
but im a variety of personalitys.....
FUCk,,,,
i use to throw tantrums when i was a kid...i was such a bitch....
slamming doors and crying...i still do...except i punch the shit out of walls or scream until my eyes water up...
i dont do this often...actually i think the last time was around a year ago when i broke up with ann....i think its been longer then a year...(thats probably a lie)
i miss the comfort of having "my baby" the women to fill the void in my heart(gay)
but im such a contridiction......once im with this person and the novelty of passion and love wear off i want to be wreckless again and start drinking and partying...
why do we flirt with others when we say we are in love....
its hard not to look....
maybe im mad at myself for another reason .....
this does make me feel better, writing this down...
i always have this old NIN song running through my head...and the lines are cliche true and they eat at me...
i just want something i can never have...
man i must have been such a depressing child, listening to NIN and Nivana...loathing happiness in my pity
pity of upper middle class everything is fucking handed to me muther fucking selfish queer.......
productivity...
i say i want it...
i think jesse is watching the legend of 1900 in the next room.......
i love that movie so much...
i seriously dont know where i would be without music...im actually kind of tearing up now....
i love it so much.....
but sometimes i see a lot of shitty quaties in music, musicians, media, everything.....
i think i want to rape the world.....but the childish minded way of thinking in me says other..
you know what the worst thing in the world is....and excuse me for sounding sentimental (not like this whole journal hasnt) and like a queer...
but it is seeing your dad cry or a grown man you respect.......just thinking about it gets me....
i love my dad....
he makes my life worth living sometimes.....i just wish i told him that more.....
such an inspiration....handicap kid of 7...taking the recycling buisness and just expanding it to the largest means....then doing every little thing his family request, and taking care of us, not just immediate family, but my moms mom his mom, my moms sisters brothers....anyone who is blood that needs help...
hes such a sensitive man, yet he's still a "man"
i know im only 22 but i feel like ihave not accomplished anything.........
i havent cried in a while..and its needed.....
i think ive always try to make people laugh to help....(help others)
ive molded myself into a comedian...and when i dont act like a goof people ask me whats wrong...?
i always push against the door.....against the current...
wouldnt it be nice if we didnt have to deal....
its funny...and kind of insane...but i always have conversations with myself in my head...kind of like what im writing...answering my own questions.... millions miles per hour up here....
i cant sleep...i have insomnia problems...and i know its all in my head...its like i cant shut down...drown out...
i have to drink to go to sleep...which is also a problem i think i have created in my head........
damn you valley and helping me turn into an alchy.....
i write songs about my insomnia....
if you can sleep in the light
well that is just beautiful
close your eyes what a sight
the landscape is breathtaking
fight off thoughts in the night
try to drown
try to drown
try to drown, drown, drown
if you can keep this up for eight more hours then we are ready to go
your eyes pierce, rip apart that ceiling
eyes shut, covered blanket, man, im ready to drown
man im ready to drown
in the river of cluttered dreams
to take time to tune out......
You be good too, my little Bradley-Pants...