boyinescalator

haven't spent a lot of time on here, lately, so its been a while... i have a lot of shit on my mind. summer classes started this week. they inly go through june 29th, but it should be good. i might have to kill my friend dave. he was going to transfer to state next year, and he even got in, but he decided not to. hes afraid really. he doesn't want to end up behind a desk, but he knows thats where hes heading. just a few months ago he was telling me how the only thing getting him through at western was knowing that next year he would be at state. hes still fucking sleeping with his ex-girlfriend. that would be fine with me except that he still loves her and i'm pretty god damned sure she doesn't love him. but what am i going to do? getting around to me now. i feel like screaming right now. in fact i did on the drive home. i just want her fucking out of my head. i wish i could just forget she ever existed. its been eight months now (six since i've even talked to her, or rather, since she talked to me), and she still fucking haunts me. i had some more dreams last weekend. three days ago would have made it two years. i didn't remember on the day, but for some reason i found myself crying while i was reading on that day. i didn't know why, but it makes sense now. how much fucking longer can this possibly go on? i've fucking tried to find someone else, but i feel like i'm fucking broken. so i guess i'll loose myself in books, and music, and friends, and try to just forget about the perpetual lonliness she left me with. and now dave isn't going to state. the only person in the world right now who i feel has some kind of real understanding of me, and who i would fucking take a bullet for. i don't want to see him throw his life away. he has the optimism that i have lost in my personal life, and i have the optimisim that he has lost in his professional life (maybe idealism is the right word). fuck.