boxterjulep

[curtain rises slowly. music begins to play. audience applauds. In the middle of the stage, one man...]

voice: Ladies and gentleman, the one and only, the always fantabulous boxman!

[audience applause louder]
boxman walks out, dressed in a tuxedo, microphone in hand.

boxman: (croooning)
Some day, when I'm awfully low,
When the world is cold,
I will feel a glow just thinking of you...

(talking) Thank you, thank you. You all look lovely tonight. I seem to recognize a few faces out there. You're all swell, god bless you all, you're beautiful.

[audience cheers]

boxman: (croonin) And the way you look tonight!

[audience cheers even louder]

You know, funny thing today. I plop down in front of a computer. Present from my daughter in-law. Never been on one of these gizmos, and I go on "the internet."

[music quiets down but continues playing]

boxman: (still talking) I gotta admit I haven't been impressed by much I've seen on that thing, broads guzzling semen, fornicating with four-legged animals: the works. but I come across this site or whatever it is called suicidegirls.

[a fan gives out a whoo-hoo]

boxman looks up, points and winks.

[audience laughs]

boxman: Well let me tell you. What a sight/site. One of the first things I see is this broad with a shotgun in her mouth. I figure okay, this broad is kinky. I've run across of few of them in my lifetime.

[audience laughs, knowingly]

boxman: (crooning) [music swells back up]
Yes you're lovely,
with your smile so warm

[A female audience member approaches the stage and sets a bouquet of flowers at boxman's feet]

boxman: thank you.
(crooning)
And your cheeks so soft,
There is nothing for me but to love you,
And the way you look tonight.

boxman waves his hand to the band.

boxman: but this broad instead of blowin her brains out does a strip tease. In fact all of these broads on this website do a striptease. Sometimes more. [music quiets] First impression: a bunch of skanky broads.

[audience laughs]

boxman: they got hair of every shade of the rainbow, tattoos up the wazoo, metal loops and barbells hanging off every part of the body, some places I'll spare you the areas, but I'm sure you get what i mean.

[audience laughs. they know what he means]

boxman: Speaking of areas I won't mention, most of these gals have so little hair, if it weren't for the jugs, I might think I'm looking at a bunch of 10 year olds, but--

(crooning)
With each word [music louder] your tenderness grows, Tearing my fear apart...

[A male audience member approaches the stage with a bottle of whiskey and sets it on the stage.]

boxman: thank you. (crooning) And that laugh that wrinkles your nose, It touches my foolish heart.

[music dies down as boxman meets a stagehand halfway for his martini. he takes a sip.]

boxman: So some of these broads are a real pain. Health nuts, hippies, mental cases...sometimes all three. But I gotta admit, I'm still getting worked up. In big bold letters i see the word MUSE. These broads have IT, baby, let me tell you. All I can really say is
(crooning, music starting up)
Lovely, ... Never, ever change.
Keep that breathless charm.

[more flowers tossed on stage by an anonymous audience member]

boxman: thanks. (crooning) Won't you please arrange it ? 'Cause I love you, suicidegirls... Just the way you look tonight.

[an hysterical female member runs toward the stage. A couple security men tackle her before she gets there]

boxman: hey there beautiful.

[audience roars]

boxman: (crooning) Mm, Mm, Mm, Mm,
Just the way you look to-night...