Insominiac Manfestation: Kept Awake by Dreams
keys pounded frustratingly by boundcreature
The first thing that happens when I lie down to go to sleep is that my heart rate speeds up drastically.
I can feel it.
Next, all of my unfulfilled hopes and dreams and goals come screeching to the forefront of my mind. The day replays through my head, I focuse on each moment where I accomplished nothing, where I was not strong enough to be dedicated.
I feel a surge of commitment rush through my body like a wave hitting an outcropping of rocks. I tell myself to ignore it, to feel how tired my body is and just give in... but, I can't fight it, the enthusiasm I feel is nothing like how I feel throughout the day. I can't resist it, I want to do something with it, but what? In four hours, I have to be showering to go to work, what am I going to accomplish?
I tell myself to close my eyes, sometimes, I lie in my bed and try to slow down my breathing. I can do it, too... it's easy, you just start taking deep breaths in through your nose, hold them until you can't hold them any longer and exhale slowly through your mouth (it's a technique similar to controlling your muscles and building ki). But, I never have the patience for it, my brain takes over and soon enough, I am up and pacing, thinking about how if I started working on my illustration abilities, I could be drawing comics at the level I wish. I think all kinds of things really. They are all mired in dissapointment though.
Sometimes I try to watch a movie or read a book, usually I can fall asleep in a book, but sometimes I'll watch a movie straight through and have even more energy when it's over. Tonight, I tried to fall asleep in a book and read the last four chapters of the second Sandman collection.
I slept well for each of the last four nights, the night before she came, I did not sleep at all, now that she is gone, I cannot shut down. Sleep comes easy in her arms. She is an escape like the book or the movie, but she is real and breathing and slowing my breath down is so easy when I can hear hers too. Sometimes we talk until we fall asleep and I wonder how we even knew to fall asleep, it just happens. Sometimes we kiss until we fall asleep... sometimes I wake up and we are still kissing... did our sleeping bodies kiss the whole night through?
I hunger for combat, the glory of routine and exhaustion.
Subotai sits petutantly, against the side of a stone building, in the winter. He is chained to the wall. He sees a stranger approach and springs to his feet, introducing himself, his clan and his occupation. He asks for food, to gain strength for when the wolves come, so that he can die, "not in hunger, but in combat."
With a laugh, Conan cuts him free.
All of your achievements mean nothing when you are chained to the wall. Your only purpose is to maintain enough strength for when the wolves come, to defend yourself or, at the very least, to die, not in hunger, but in combat.
I sleep better when I am content. The only way I know how to fall asleep, is to fall asleep through exhaustion, when I just can keep my eyes open anymore and I drop. I had the routine, for a little while from February to March of this year, but the bastards at the sign shop pulled the rug out from under me and I lost focus with my extra-curricular projects.
I am at my best when I am commited to a vision, always. I have never been able to chase a paycheck, only an achievement. I have worked like a slave, not for money, but for personal expression, to see my vision realized and to prove to myself that I could do it.
I have never expected anyone to support me, only to understand. That would be enough, just to understand and, if you know me or have seen me work, then maybe just to believe in me. That's all.
Miss you, captain.