My heart explodes in a kaleidescope of emotions, my soul is rainbow sherbert and I have no one to share it with. This place is getting stale. I like many of you personally, but it seems that nobody's got much of anything to say that is worth reading and those who do just don't have the time to explore like they used to. I don't really like any of the front page stuff because I think most of the people on here are just full of shit so it's reached a point where I sign on to check if Aoife has updated her journal and then spend some time wondering why the hell people write such bizarre and self-demeaning comments in Palo's journal and then I usually click on the bookmarks tab about ten times hoping something will suddenly appear to grab me by the nuts and demand my attention. Sometimes I read the interviews, like if it's someone I like, but I can't stand the person who does the interviews so that really is 50 / 50 situation for me. I like having a place to write though, so that's why I'm still here. I always thought I'd hang on for SGBoston, but that scene is dead. It's so weird being intimate with a SuicideGirl, because I never thought of them as these unattainable beings, neither goddess nor slut, just girls, only different from boys in the dirty places. Being out anymore is like being around a bunch of people who just want to cop a feel. People who think dating a girl who poses nude on the internet is some kind of fucking achievement. There's a reason that I am sleeping with her and others are just writing stupid comments in her journal. Some people get it, others don't. I won't name names of who I am still happy to see time to time because that shit is so gay.
I used to have this irrational fear of online communities which I subdued by meeting wonderful people through this website, but anymore I feel those same ignorant fears resurfacing with clarity. The internet makes people brave, gives people the guts to say things they wouldn't say in person, gives them an outlet to vent instead of act. It's a place for people to hide and be passive. On one hand, I love the community and the technology and the idea that I can break down barriers and remain in contact with people who are geographically distant. I like that I can buy a computer the size of a phone that I can use to check a task management program running off of a website. But, at the same time, the weak have become underhanded and instant messenger becomes the new backroom conversation. Honor is unnecessary, not when it up to yourself to be accountable.
I just think this site, this little sect / clique matters way too much to some people and I guess I'm not one of them. There is so much more to life than tits and really, reducing something so beautiful to a word like "tits" is in and of itself the kind of immature bullshit behavior that is the reason I don't drink or take drugs. You can hide all you want, but life is more fun when it is real.
I'm cozy now. Life is difficult and stressful but my girlfriend treats me good. And how can I repay her? By sooner or later breaking her heart. Sooner or later I have to break the slumber and start asking myself hard questions. The loneliness will come again and it will be cleansing at first in the way that it always is but then it will drag on and test your mettle, like a walk through a cold night. And what do I have to offer those big beautiful eyes? I just hope that when the time comes and it ends, that she appreciates what I have tried to give her, I hope the respect and appreciation for I have for her is something that she can understand and value. I truly believe that nearly every guy that came before me didn't deserver her and neither do the ones who slip beneath the radar and ask her out even though they know she has a boyfriend. Some guys are so fucking worthless. I think some people get confused, they think I get irritated because people ask her out or try to pick her up like she is gonna leave me for one of them, which I don't. I trust the girl wouldn't be dating her for six months if I didn't. The bullshit thing that bothers me is that she doesn't see that some of them are gutless and classless, she sees a bright side when I see that people should fucking live their lives with a sense of respect, know what I mean?
It's not like it really matters. I just think that situation is indicative of how this site works sometimes, how the broad landscape of guys appear to be. to me anyway.
who actually cares?
ThePants is currently working on a prototype culture-blog for me, but he works his fucking ass off all day and he can only do so much (bless his heart) when it's time to relax, I'd rather play Soul Caliber with him than talk him into working on yet another website for me but my GOD do I really want to inject the world with a pop-cultural supernova, remind ourselves why we are really alive.
I used to have this irrational fear of online communities which I subdued by meeting wonderful people through this website, but anymore I feel those same ignorant fears resurfacing with clarity. The internet makes people brave, gives people the guts to say things they wouldn't say in person, gives them an outlet to vent instead of act. It's a place for people to hide and be passive. On one hand, I love the community and the technology and the idea that I can break down barriers and remain in contact with people who are geographically distant. I like that I can buy a computer the size of a phone that I can use to check a task management program running off of a website. But, at the same time, the weak have become underhanded and instant messenger becomes the new backroom conversation. Honor is unnecessary, not when it up to yourself to be accountable.
I just think this site, this little sect / clique matters way too much to some people and I guess I'm not one of them. There is so much more to life than tits and really, reducing something so beautiful to a word like "tits" is in and of itself the kind of immature bullshit behavior that is the reason I don't drink or take drugs. You can hide all you want, but life is more fun when it is real.
I'm cozy now. Life is difficult and stressful but my girlfriend treats me good. And how can I repay her? By sooner or later breaking her heart. Sooner or later I have to break the slumber and start asking myself hard questions. The loneliness will come again and it will be cleansing at first in the way that it always is but then it will drag on and test your mettle, like a walk through a cold night. And what do I have to offer those big beautiful eyes? I just hope that when the time comes and it ends, that she appreciates what I have tried to give her, I hope the respect and appreciation for I have for her is something that she can understand and value. I truly believe that nearly every guy that came before me didn't deserver her and neither do the ones who slip beneath the radar and ask her out even though they know she has a boyfriend. Some guys are so fucking worthless. I think some people get confused, they think I get irritated because people ask her out or try to pick her up like she is gonna leave me for one of them, which I don't. I trust the girl wouldn't be dating her for six months if I didn't. The bullshit thing that bothers me is that she doesn't see that some of them are gutless and classless, she sees a bright side when I see that people should fucking live their lives with a sense of respect, know what I mean?
It's not like it really matters. I just think that situation is indicative of how this site works sometimes, how the broad landscape of guys appear to be. to me anyway.
who actually cares?
ThePants is currently working on a prototype culture-blog for me, but he works his fucking ass off all day and he can only do so much (bless his heart) when it's time to relax, I'd rather play Soul Caliber with him than talk him into working on yet another website for me but my GOD do I really want to inject the world with a pop-cultural supernova, remind ourselves why we are really alive.
VIEW 25 of 28 COMMENTS
aoife:
if you're around and on AIM, I could tell you all about it. my journal has an unnecessary audience...
capital:
Your journals always resonate with me. I feel like you and I both have this similar overriding ideal... i can't pinpoint it exactly, but it's something about living your life by ideals, determination, and conviction, not making excuses for yourself, taking responsibility for what you do, rejecting complacency, exercising restraint, refusing to settle, and living like it matters. And while I feel like a lot of people would agree with those ideals hypothetically, disappointingly few are actually principled enough to live it in the way that I feel like you do. Because I'm relatively introverted I think the appreciation of that may not have been conveyed, so I thought it was high time I come right out and say it.