My muscles hurt today, it's nice. How I missed lifting weights. Seems like a vapid jock thing but I really do my best thinking when I move my body. That is why I walk fast. Blows the dust off the old brain, gets those synapses snapping. Maybe it's the hand-eye coordination thing, the artist's mind-body connection.
When you run or lift weights or do some sport alone it can be a reflection on how one lives their life. I've always been a solitary person and I feel all the challenges I've faced in my life (so many!) I overcame through my own strength. Each day I get stronger, I can live life more vigorously, I can change things if I just keep working at it. Even heavy obstacles can be moved if you just keep trying.
My inspiration has been my mother, who endured many hardships and people in her life who tried to sap her. I've had to learn that many people who want to be your friend, lover or close to you in some way can be harmful. They say they love you but they don't, they love some version of you they have for themselves. Their motives are self-serving. I've had boyfriends who want me to be something I'm not and friends who put me down when I'm happy or good things come my way. It's hard to be alone but you can't compromise and let these people suck away your spirit. There are many good people out there, believe me, (I've got one!) but you always have to be aware of those vampires.
My mother is a saint. She has more integrity in her little finger than some people will have their entire lives. She's been a loner all her life, like me. She only has two true friends after all these hard years, and she's in her 50's; my step-father and her friend Nancy, who is 70-ish and is close to death. My mother once had a few glasses of wine too many and broke into tears (we did not always get along) and told me she wished she was as strong as me. I don't know if she'll ever understand that she's my inspiration.
It ain't fucking easy. I've had folks say to me that I make it too hard. But I cannot live the lives they have chosen for themselves. I can't be complacent about my surroundings, I can't stop questioning, I can't stop working for the life I believe in. I'd rather have it be hard than live a half-life.
This is the entire set of lyrics for the broken snippet I placed in an earlier journal entry a few days ago. I'm a new fan of this band that's been around forever and I love everything about them. The lyrics sum it all up for me, as many of theirs do. This song especially:
* (I had no idea if "tetched" was the correct word...I don't have the cd cover here and not sure if lyrics are on it..but upon looking it up I got: "Somewhat unbalanced mentally; touched.")
"Going All Out"
Sick of it All, Life on the Ropes 2003
Right now, I don't care how shame feels
Don't care how pain feels inside
Right now, don't care what I hear
Don't care what I fear inside
So now I'm going it alone
It feels like me against the world
I can't allow for an ounce of inability
I may be tetched, but for now I'm going all out
Right now, I don't care how shame feels
Don't care how pain feels inside
Right now, don't care what I hear
Don't care what I fear inside
I can't make room for comfort
I can't make room for myself
I'll keep my cool, defiantly
My strategy is not too sound
But I'm going all out
If there's a barrier up
I'm pushing through it
A door slammed in my face
I'm kicking through it
I will silence the doubts
Even if it fucks me up right now
I'm tetched, but I'm going all out
I'm pushing my limits
Right now, I don't care how shame feels
Don't care how pain feels inside
Right now, don't care what I hear
Don't care what I fear inside
Right now, I don't care how shame feels
Don't care how pain feels inside
Right now, don't care what I hear
Don't care what I fear inside
Right now, I don't care how shame feels
Don't care how pain feels inside
Right now, don't care what I hear
Don't care what I fear inside
It doesn't matter
It doesn't matter to me
When you run or lift weights or do some sport alone it can be a reflection on how one lives their life. I've always been a solitary person and I feel all the challenges I've faced in my life (so many!) I overcame through my own strength. Each day I get stronger, I can live life more vigorously, I can change things if I just keep working at it. Even heavy obstacles can be moved if you just keep trying.
My inspiration has been my mother, who endured many hardships and people in her life who tried to sap her. I've had to learn that many people who want to be your friend, lover or close to you in some way can be harmful. They say they love you but they don't, they love some version of you they have for themselves. Their motives are self-serving. I've had boyfriends who want me to be something I'm not and friends who put me down when I'm happy or good things come my way. It's hard to be alone but you can't compromise and let these people suck away your spirit. There are many good people out there, believe me, (I've got one!) but you always have to be aware of those vampires.
My mother is a saint. She has more integrity in her little finger than some people will have their entire lives. She's been a loner all her life, like me. She only has two true friends after all these hard years, and she's in her 50's; my step-father and her friend Nancy, who is 70-ish and is close to death. My mother once had a few glasses of wine too many and broke into tears (we did not always get along) and told me she wished she was as strong as me. I don't know if she'll ever understand that she's my inspiration.
It ain't fucking easy. I've had folks say to me that I make it too hard. But I cannot live the lives they have chosen for themselves. I can't be complacent about my surroundings, I can't stop questioning, I can't stop working for the life I believe in. I'd rather have it be hard than live a half-life.
This is the entire set of lyrics for the broken snippet I placed in an earlier journal entry a few days ago. I'm a new fan of this band that's been around forever and I love everything about them. The lyrics sum it all up for me, as many of theirs do. This song especially:
* (I had no idea if "tetched" was the correct word...I don't have the cd cover here and not sure if lyrics are on it..but upon looking it up I got: "Somewhat unbalanced mentally; touched.")
"Going All Out"
Sick of it All, Life on the Ropes 2003
Right now, I don't care how shame feels
Don't care how pain feels inside
Right now, don't care what I hear
Don't care what I fear inside
So now I'm going it alone
It feels like me against the world
I can't allow for an ounce of inability
I may be tetched, but for now I'm going all out
Right now, I don't care how shame feels
Don't care how pain feels inside
Right now, don't care what I hear
Don't care what I fear inside
I can't make room for comfort
I can't make room for myself
I'll keep my cool, defiantly
My strategy is not too sound
But I'm going all out
If there's a barrier up
I'm pushing through it
A door slammed in my face
I'm kicking through it
I will silence the doubts
Even if it fucks me up right now
I'm tetched, but I'm going all out
I'm pushing my limits
Right now, I don't care how shame feels
Don't care how pain feels inside
Right now, don't care what I hear
Don't care what I fear inside
Right now, I don't care how shame feels
Don't care how pain feels inside
Right now, don't care what I hear
Don't care what I fear inside
Right now, I don't care how shame feels
Don't care how pain feels inside
Right now, don't care what I hear
Don't care what I fear inside
It doesn't matter
It doesn't matter to me
VIEW 3 of 3 COMMENTS
joshxxx:
You're right. On one hand it is very nice around here. I wear shorts and a t-shirt and its Febuary. While on the other, the attitude and mindset of everyone down here is in direct conflict with what I've just spent the last 24 years dealing with. I'm just glad there's someone else I can relate to down here now, seeing as how I know absoloutely nobody around here.
holden_caulfield:
Have you figured out how to post pictures in threads (the comment box) yet? 