Sometimes, I'm just kinda tired of life.
So, it's one of those times. Suddenly, I'm really feeling a bunch of emotions that I had been ignoring up until this point. I'm newly single, and I'm really alone. It's really hard..I always have just assumed that in life I'd end up somehow okay, but today, I'm starting to doubt that. I woke up today feeling uglier and older than ever before, and I'm pretty sure that nobody is looking for that. I'm so far away from where I want to be that it's sickening. Literally. I'm really hoping that my future turns out okay, I want a lot of things in life, I hope that somehow they are going to be attainable to me. My relationship is over, really over, and it's sad. It's been a little while now, but it's really hitting me strong right now. I'm feeling worse than ever in my life..and I did it to myself I guess. I really fixated on being a "second choice" person. and that killed me a little bit. I let myself believe that I was too unattractive to be the first choice, and that because of that..I should accept certain things. Like I was lucky. I realize that's a very messed up thought...and one I had to stop. When did I get so fucking lame??? When did I start to really hate myself? I know..but I ain't sayin'. I need to fight some demons inside of myself, but dammit, I'm not sure I'm going to win.
Death comes calling..........
I'm thinking of death all of the time lately. It's hard to get the stamina to live sometimes. I know that I will, but I'm starting to wonder what the point is. I can only bank on the idea that somehow, someway, this will get better. It's hard to imagine myself in love and happy in life sometime in the future, but I hope it happens. It's like the Doug Stanhope joke, "sometimes life is like a shitty movie, sometimes it's time to walk out." Some people aren't good at it. I'm not trying to sound super lame..but that's me today. I gots nobody.
Help is on the way, hang on sailor!
In better news, a friend of mine is coming out to visit! I can't wait! I stress when people come out...but I love it. This might be the most I've ever needed a close friend around. We're actually both in similiar mindsets..so that's kinda good. Hopefully. We'll get drunk and stay up all night talking about all the good shit and all the bad shit..and hopefully come out better. Also, I'm starting school., again. It's something that I feel like I really need right now, so I'm doing it. It's art school...so that's pretty awesome. I'm hoping that it's going to lead somewhere. Let us pray........
Looks that might actually kill..............
I hate it. The main thing in my life that's holding me back is the way that I feel so ugly on the outside. Everytime I look at a picture or in a mirror, I see more and more reasons why I will ne alone forever. I'm thinking of trying to really start doing something to fix me. I hate feeling ugly. I never did back in the day. It's a relatively new thing. Older and uglier. Older and uglier. Inner beauty is all I've got right now, and that's not really doing much for me. Fuck.
So, it's one of those times. Suddenly, I'm really feeling a bunch of emotions that I had been ignoring up until this point. I'm newly single, and I'm really alone. It's really hard..I always have just assumed that in life I'd end up somehow okay, but today, I'm starting to doubt that. I woke up today feeling uglier and older than ever before, and I'm pretty sure that nobody is looking for that. I'm so far away from where I want to be that it's sickening. Literally. I'm really hoping that my future turns out okay, I want a lot of things in life, I hope that somehow they are going to be attainable to me. My relationship is over, really over, and it's sad. It's been a little while now, but it's really hitting me strong right now. I'm feeling worse than ever in my life..and I did it to myself I guess. I really fixated on being a "second choice" person. and that killed me a little bit. I let myself believe that I was too unattractive to be the first choice, and that because of that..I should accept certain things. Like I was lucky. I realize that's a very messed up thought...and one I had to stop. When did I get so fucking lame??? When did I start to really hate myself? I know..but I ain't sayin'. I need to fight some demons inside of myself, but dammit, I'm not sure I'm going to win.
Death comes calling..........
I'm thinking of death all of the time lately. It's hard to get the stamina to live sometimes. I know that I will, but I'm starting to wonder what the point is. I can only bank on the idea that somehow, someway, this will get better. It's hard to imagine myself in love and happy in life sometime in the future, but I hope it happens. It's like the Doug Stanhope joke, "sometimes life is like a shitty movie, sometimes it's time to walk out." Some people aren't good at it. I'm not trying to sound super lame..but that's me today. I gots nobody.
Help is on the way, hang on sailor!
In better news, a friend of mine is coming out to visit! I can't wait! I stress when people come out...but I love it. This might be the most I've ever needed a close friend around. We're actually both in similiar mindsets..so that's kinda good. Hopefully. We'll get drunk and stay up all night talking about all the good shit and all the bad shit..and hopefully come out better. Also, I'm starting school., again. It's something that I feel like I really need right now, so I'm doing it. It's art school...so that's pretty awesome. I'm hoping that it's going to lead somewhere. Let us pray........
Looks that might actually kill..............
I hate it. The main thing in my life that's holding me back is the way that I feel so ugly on the outside. Everytime I look at a picture or in a mirror, I see more and more reasons why I will ne alone forever. I'm thinking of trying to really start doing something to fix me. I hate feeling ugly. I never did back in the day. It's a relatively new thing. Older and uglier. Older and uglier. Inner beauty is all I've got right now, and that's not really doing much for me. Fuck.
VIEW 8 of 8 COMMENTS
for awhile
apparently a lot of sets want to get up!
not till like mid july
we do not say aboot mister!
we say it just like you!