borderlinegirl

for some reason i thought of my childhood friend susan today, don't know why. i have not seen her since high school, but i heard she got married a while back. we were in the gifted program in elementary school, guess we had the smarts real good back then. i bet she still does, i am not so sure about me......... anyway, i used to spend the night at her house a lot and she had the greatest family. both of her parents were teachers and her sisters were really smart as well. i just remember it being such a nice stable family, lots of love. her dad would get up and make pancakes in the morning, and if it was sunday, they would take me home on their way to church, because they knew that was not my bag. susan conned me into going to camp one summer, but didn't tell me it was a church deal, and the whole point was for me to accept the lord. i think that was the beginning of the end of our friendship, that was a dirty trick. i still spent some nights at her house, and she would spend the night with me every now and then. when my parents got a divorce when i was 10, susan's parents would not let her come to my house anymore, in fact a lot of my friends parents did the same thing. i think that is pretty fucked up, but what can you do when you are 10. they should have realized that my house was much better after my dad left.

which brings me to my dad........ my dad was the perfect father to me when i was little. he taught me how to read at a very early age, something i enjoy to this day, and made up the coolest stories, but made them to where my friends and i could participate in the plot, hard to explain. i am an only child, and quite frankly, he spoiled me. his parents never showed him any love or attention, and he made sure not to do that to me. that totally changed when my mom and him split, he left her for the woman he had been cheating with for 8 years of my life, and pretty much never looked back. my mom had to work 12 hour days to pay the bills, since my dad wouldn't help, and i resented the shit out of her for never being there. now i am so glad that i learned a strong work ethic from her. my dad's second wife turned out to be a psycho, they split, and he married another woman, who was a great lady. she passed away almost two years ago, and now my father sits in his house, a lonely, crippled alcoholic, and waits to die. i have tried to have a relationship with him, but i still feel like he missed so much of my life that i really don't owe him anything. but i still try for some reason.

which brings me to myself and why i am the way i am. i don't want to be one of those "poor me, my parents fucked me up" types, but i think my dad bailing on me has had a lifelong effect on me. i have it in the back of my mind that every man i am involved with will let me down eventually, and they usually do. i am very hesitant to trust, yet i give my heart away at the drop of a hat, which almost always results in me getting hurt. not to mention that i am really sensitive, but appear to others to be really tough and confident, which makes it hard for people to really get to know me and give me a chance. i guess this is my defense mechanism that i am rarely aware of, but it is sucking all of my positive emotions away, and making me retreat even further into myself and my safe little world.

which, finally, brings me to my safe little world. about 3 years ago, i came home from work one night to find my apartment burned to the ground. in fact, the fire was still going when i got there. i lost my dog, two cats, and literally everything i owned. i have never felt so helpless and alone in my life, hope i don't feel that way ever again. it was pretty easy to replace the material things, people were so great to me, but i was a mental wreck. the smell of that fire was impossible to forget, and the sound of a fire truck would send me into hysterics. so, i did what i thought was right, got me one of those therapist thingies. he was a flaming gay man, which i usually get along famously with, but he was at a loss as to what to do with me. i would talk and talk, and he always said "i just don't get you".... thank you mr. therapist, and my wallet thanks you also. so, i took it upon myself to fix me. i drank. i drank a lot. i still drink quite a bit, but it is more in control than it was back then. still hate fire trucks, still really happy every day when i come home and my building is still standing and my new dog is alive. some days, that damn dog is the only reason i get out of bed. he is the only way i have not cracked up completely, which is sad to say.

so, i look back at what i have written, and i realize it is a lot of bad shit, but then i thought, you know what, i have come out of all of this okay. i always end up making it somehow, i have learned that i am a very strong girl. maybe i am on the way to liking myself a little bit better. i have to realize that no matter what i have to deal with, or whatever mean things people say about me or to me, i am better than that, i can count on me. thanks for letting me vent, it feels good to get all of this out of my head.