booterpops

It's been a very up and down weekend for me.
I caught up on my listening enjoyment, which I desperately needed. You never know how much something means to you until it's gone.
I got some great between the sheets action on Friday night. He's someone I like, not love. Someone who satisfies me physically but not emotionally or spiritually. Someone who I hook-up with every time he comes into town but wouldn't give any extra thought to if he lived in town and was at my disposal.
On Saturday I learned that a friend of mine was no longer in the relationship that he's been in for over two years. It wasn't much of a shock because even though I only had his side of the story I could tell she wasn't giving him what he wanted or even needed. He was still pretty broken up over it and I quickly became a shoulder to cry on and an ear to listen. I din't mind it, he's my friend and while I shun random physical demonstrations I let him hang on to me for dear life because he needed to.
I went to a friends house on Saturday night. We got a little too unsober and decided to decorate her boyfriends house for Valentine's Day. It now looks like a pink and red monster blew up all over his apartment. He comes back from visiting his parents today. I would pay to be able to see the look on his face when he realizes what has been done to his apartment.
On Sunday I crashed, still tired from Friday and Saturday. I did some more unpacking, tried to get things more in order after the move and this is when I caught up on my music. Listening to some of this stuff got me thinking again and you know it's never good when I think. This is where my thoughts led me:

I've been standing on the outside for so long I'm not sure what it would feel like to finally be on the inside. I really so very rarely understand life and the people in it. I can talk a good game about how to deal with pain or other people but I never follow my own advice. I'm like a frustrated parent talking to a beligerant teenager. I seriously annoy myself sometimes. Sometimes I think we are all, at least a tiny bit, sadomasochists. We try so hard to find someone to love and accept us as we are and when, or if, we get there we are put in the precarious position of avoiding pain, ours or someone else's. In our power is the ability to crush our significant other and it is in their power to crush us. Lack of love or the wrong type of love can do serious damage and yet we still seek out these relationships. I also realised that I don't love anyone in my family. I'm not sure when it happened but at some point they became just ordinary people that I just don't care that much about. I think this should bother more than it does and I'm not sure why it doesn't. Many years ago I decided that overt displays of emotion are a sign of weakness. To this day I don't cry in front of people, even when in extrmeme pain. I don't get overly heated about an opinion, even though I have them, unless I'm with someone I know very well and feel comfortable arguing with all night long just for the hell of it. I would die for most of my close friends but I could never bring myself to ask the same of them.

So now, after my long winded journal entry, I'm going to think some more an listen to my music while I work.

I also pose a question to you: Is there someone in your life that you think you should care more about than you actually do?


Edited to add: Valentines Tootsie Rolls are my hero WYSIWYG