boo1

Hey everyone, let's play a game. It's called "What is Boo Feeling?" Better yet, "Who Does Boo Wanna Kill?". Depression is starting to settle in, along with anger and finally acceptance. Why would you even tell someone you wanna keep your baby and raise her, when in all reality, you don't? Why would you let someone post journal entries about how much they love you, and your baby, and continue to fuck shit up for everyone? I just don't undersand. I don't understand how he could do this to me. No. To US. He's doing this shit to US. Y'all......I sat and fucking PRAYED last night. I don't pray. I just don't. But I sat there. And I asked god..."God.....I'm really struggling. I love him more than life itself. He is my one and only. I wanna be with him so bad. And I love my baby. She is my fucking life. But lord....he just won't stop drinking. And my baby CANNOT grow up like that. I can not grow up like that. I can't live with him popping pills and drinking about 8 beers a night. And my baby doesn't need that. I want to keep her so fucking bad....but if he won't stop, we can't do it. We can't keep her. If this is the wrong choice....please show me. I'm dense. I need a very big, loud, flashing sign. Please....I'll give up anything if you'll just give me my baby. Help us." And then at like....1:30 am the phone rang. It was him. He told me he got too drunk at band practice, and the bass player's wife wouldn't let him drive home. He apparently drank 8 beers "throughout the day", however, earlier that day he had told me he hadn't drank at all. And I don't know, but I don't think him drinking 5 beers would deem him "too drunk to drive". I know he drank more than just 8. And I cried. And he said "I'll quit tomorrow. I don't care if it kills me. I'll quit tomorrow." And I've heard that all week. I wanna keep the baby! What the fuck is there to drink over now?!?!? NOTHING. He says he needs to drink because when he sings, he feels like he's going to have a heart attack. And he doesn't need to drink in his original band, cos he doesn't sing that much, and if he's feeling bad he can just have the other dude sing. But in his cover band, he's only singing, so he needs to drink. Which is shit. I told him that if he needs to get drunk to be able to sing well, then he isn't really a good singer. That may be unfair to say, but at this point I couldn't care less. I am so disappointed and hurt and confused. He either doesn't realize, or doesn't care that 1.) By deciding to keep her, we are taking sole responsability for another life, and 2.) We don't have forever to wait for him to prove he can "get sober like he did a month ago". GOD FUCKING DAMMIT, WHAT THE FUCK!?!?!?!?!? Why the fuck was he sober when I was carrying her, and now that she's out, he's gone right back to being an alcoholic! When we need him the most! I don't want to lose my family, AND my baby. I'm willing to give up my mother for my child. But if I'm going to give up my mother, I'm not going to lose my child as well because he doesn't feel like staying straight and "being bored". OH BOO FUCKING HOO! Life without a buzz is just so fucking awful, I've done it for 19 motherfucking years, and I'm fine! Oh you're all of a sudden not ready to be a dad? Shouldn't have fucked me. You have heart problems? Shouldn't have partied on your fucking xanax, you shoulda taken it the way it's prescribed. And your heart is so bad, STOP SMOKING! You can't sing without drinking cos your heart hurts? Shouldnta joined the cover band. Get a better job, and we'll have more $. And you'll always have your original band. It's really hard to just up and quit? Shouldnta started back up, you were sober for like 2-3 fucking months, WHY did you start again? You have a problem? FUCKING REHAB. You want pills? They give you fucking pills that you take that whenever you drink, you puke! How's that for insentive to quit, since the baby isn't enough? This isn't fair. I just don't know what to do. I am so motherfucking angry. I have this.....this weird feeling inside of me, that when I think about being with him, I feel hopeless. When I think about us moving in with his drummer, I feel hopeless. I love him so god damn much. And I love my baby.....I will never forgive him if we don't keep her. I will never forgive him if he ruins her life. He uses his heart problems as a crutch. He needs to pull the beer bottle out of his throat and recognize. Rhiannon is BLIND. And not just "my eyes are present, I just can't see out of them"....she is blind in the gruesome and fucked up sense that she HAS NO EYES. Her eye organs are NOT THERE. So I'm sorry. Your heart hurts when you sing. I have depression, borderline personality disorder, OCD, and anxiety. Rhiannon doesn't have any eyeballs. Weigh that out, and shut the fuck up. I wish I were dead. I am so lost. I have no idea what the fuck I'm going to do. And time is running out.
PS: Go to www.briandeneke.org. This is the most fucked up thing I've ever heard.