boo1

Thank you all for the birthday wishes. This will definately be a birthday I won't ever forget. My water broke on Nov. 26th. I was in the hospital all of the 27th (my bday). I delivered my baby @ 3:28 am on Nov. 28th. Rob was with me most of the time. I had her w/o any drugs, and I pushed her out in 28 minutes. Rob cried. It was so cute. I still had full intentions of giving her up for adoption even though Rob kept telling me we had lots of support from his friends, and the baby was right there in front of me. I got to go see her, and she grabbed my finger and started kicking. She knew it was me. I know she did. But yea last night I found out that Rob is popping pills again. ::sighs:: so that hurt alot. Then this morning we woke up and the Dr. that takes care of the premie babies came in and like.....really, just fucked my world up. My Rhiannon is blind. And I don't mean like, she can't see. Her eyes never developed. Apparently this shit happens early on in the pregnancy...like really early. They hafta do an MRI and test her chromosomes and such. They don't know what causes that sort of thing. I really am just....at a loss. We went to see her (after we had found out about her eyes) and we both held her. Rob took some pix of me and her, so when he gets home I'll make him send them to me. She's so fuckin smart, man....They had told me that she could leave the premie thing and go home when she learned to keep warm on her own, breathe on her own, and suck for her food. When I was holding her today she was sucking on a pacifier. A day after shes born and she's sucking on a pacifier. And she can breathe by herself as well. Rob finally now understands why we can't keep her. He realizes how hard its going to be for her and whatnot, and he knows we cant afford to pay for her treatments. We both love her so much. I can't stop crying. I don't know how to deal. Rob is coping by getting fucked up. And I guess I can't blame him. I really don't want him to do any of that. I wanna take care of him but I can't leave the house for a while (mum's rules...I'm "healing"). I need him to be here for me, but I also need to understand that he's human, and he's not strong enough to uphold the both of us. I know I woulda been sad before, giving her up....but I knew she'd have pix of us, and could read the journal I was writing for her. But now she'll never even know what me and rob look like. She'll never be able to find us later on in life. She'll never know how I feel. I wish I couldn't see either. I wish I could give her my eyes. I just feel so fucking hopeless, and I really want to die. I don't know my future after today. I don't know my future with Rob. I don't know my baby's future. I don't know what the fuck is going on. I don't know what I'm going to do. I will never be the same. Never.