bonnieblu

I found the CD which had all the overseas adventure photos on it. It's awesome to go through them again but fuck, i'm sad. Everytime i see or think about it, it's so fucking bittersweet. I had the most awesome adventure and from looking at the photos you would have no idea how fucked up things were behind the scenes. You would have no idea of the insecurity i felt, the arguments we had and the fucked up shit he said and did to me. I was so so in love and all he did was throw it back at me.

This picture sums up perfectly how, after 18 months, i still feel:






He's gone overseas again and i'm really glad because i can get back to healing myself and not stuck on the fact i'm still in love with him, he makes me uncomfortable because of how i feel about him and i fucking hate him for hurting me as much as he did. I'm not over it, not by a long shot.

It takes time, i know this. But i'm fed up. I'm better than this and there are people out there and things i want to do. I'm sick of him in and out of my brain, i'm sick of the depression and meds i have to take to get through my fucking week. I'm sick of not being strong any more. I know its awesome to admit you have depression but i feel so weak. I feel like i can't do anything. I'm thinking about cutting a shift at work because on Thursdays i have 5 hours straight of uni then an hour's drive to get to work and then work for 5 hours and i'm whinging because i hate thursdays. And i do, i hate thursday because i get so anxious about going to work.

My best friend has been awesome but she keeps telling me we need to go out more and have fun, which is true. But the idea of going to a club or pub freaks me out, its too much. All i want to do is stay home and study or go to the movies with her. I hate this, i used to be the biggest party girl and i have no idea what's happened. I just want to be me again

I just want him out of my brain and i want to feel better. Suggestions greatly accepted.