bonnieblu

Writing is my Catharsis

I think one of the hardest things I've ever felt I had to deal with is letting things go. I have a hard time trying to get past the hard stage and always focus on the negative things I'm missing out on than the positive.

About 5 years ago, my best friend of the time decided she didn't want to be my friend anymore. I was crushed and she did all she could to cut me out of her life. Since then I've never really forgotten her and I still, to this day, have no idea what I did wrong and have tried to amend the rift. But she's completely washed her hands with me. It hurts alot to lose someone so special to you like that.
But I also lost her family, who were big parts of my life aswell. Any time I went around to visit them, they caught the rough end of her moods so over time it was easier for me to not go around at all.

Then around 2 months ago, I broke up with the love of my life. At the moment, I feel so alone and I miss him so much. I can't sit back and look at how poisonous the relationship became even though its plain and clear. All I do is think of all the things I miss about him and all the things I'll never get to do with him again. And then I get angry because.... Because why? Because there were things in our relationship that were really bad and I created a happy little world were everything was okay. And I was so 100% totally head over heels that I couldn't see anything wrong or want to leave. But he did.
He saw all the bad things he did to me and all the bad things of the relationship but never had the balls to say to me it had to end. I know I should have done something but when you're that smitten, breaking up is the last thing on your list.
And now I'm the one going through the pain and the heartache. I miss him, sometimes I still smell him and it hurts. I cry in the shower and I cry watching TV on the couch. I can't seem to get over anything and I get so mopey that I've banned myself from looking at his myspace page because it's clear in my weakened state how over me he actually is.

He's out there and having fun and having pretty 19 year old girls leave him comments. Of course all of this is just presumption, I have no idea if he is happy. But it seems that way. Oh and he avoids me when we're in public. See, were lucky that we share the same friends. So when we are around each other, it's nothing but narky conversation and I feel like shit on the inside because he was the one who told me when we broke up that he wanted the friendship so badly and I was more of the opinion it would take me a long, long time. Now I'm keen to be chatty but he avoids me. And at my birthday party he barley spoke to me.

So now I feel like I'm the loser sitting at home on the weekends not doing anything because my two best friends have other things to do and I'm too closed in to accept any of the other awesome offers. I'm so frightened I'm going to become a recluse and not want to go anywhere because I'm so frightened that I'm going to see him with someone else and only 2 months after the breakup after being together for 3 years. That's going to suck.

I commend anyone who gets through this