bobsmith66613

I've been feeling really depressed lately. I've been trying to hide it and stuff, which is probably why I haven't posted in so long, but the need is rising, and I guess this is me spilling my guts. This is quite a few things built up. I guess I'll start with the positive, yesterday was Shelley's birthday! She's finally legal. Now we can legally tell everyone we know about our great sex and not have to worry about getting in trouble. I'm just kidding, kind of. She got a lot of stuff. I felt good though, actually bought her more than her parents did. I had the upper hand though because Shelley is a fraternal (I think???) twin. She has a twin brother who I play in a band with. Kind of a band, I don't know, it's dumb and probably not going to go anywhere. At least it kills some time and gives me a reason to hang out with her brother who I like a lot and wish I could hang out with more often. Anyway, it's weird because Shelley is the second fraternal twin I went out with. My first real girlfriend, Amanda, also had a twin brother. Weirdness. I haven't really met anyone else that has gone out with a fraternal twin (I've gone out with two), but then again I don't really meet or talk to too many people.

So now, my emo whine and cry fest. I wouldn't recommend reading this, I don't even really know why I'm writing this. Please don't pity me for anything I write below. I just need some kind of release right now. Some way to release the emotions I'm feeling.

I'll start with the biggest and I guess broadest and most general thing. I feel fake. I feel like I'm a poseur, a phony, that I don't fit in with any group or anything, and I never will. I've ALWAYS had problems fitting in. I never really fit into anything. I know that everyone feels that way and everything, but I've never really been able to keep friends for that long at all. I mean my friends that I hang out with and stuff right now are Michelle, Frank, and Liz. I met Michelle at the end of my senior year. I met Frank during my senior year, and I just met Liz. None of my friends I've really been friends with for more than two or three years. I don't really have any long lasting friendships or anything. I've never been able to hold onto friends like that.

I'm straight edge, but I've never had any straight edge friends. I listen to hardcore music, but I wouldn't consider myself hardcore and I've never had any hardcore friends. I like punk music a lot too, I guess I'm kind of a punk, but I've never had any punk friends. I guess Liz is the only friend that I've had that is into hardcore. Shelley is probably the closest thing I've had to a friend that has been into punk, but she's mostly into pop-punk. I don't feel like I'm a freak, a punk, hardcore or anything like that. I feel like I'm straight edge, but I don't feel like I fit in with straight edge kids. Maybe I'm just holding myself up too high on my pedestol or something, but I just don't feel like I fit in with those kind of people or the kind of people that would be on this site. Maybe that's part of the reason why I joined this site, to make some friends that were hardcore, punk, sXe, whatever.

I've never really been accepted to any culture or clique. That bothers me really bad sometimes. I know that it shouldn't, and that's a good thing supposedly, but I wish I had friends. I wish I had a posse or clique or anything like that to hang out with. To not have to feel like I have to act cool enough or try and fit in, but that I could just belong and feel welcome. I don't ever really feel like I'll fit in or belong to any group or to anyone in general. I wish I had one of those best friends that I could talk to, that I could hang out with all the time. I guess Michelle currently has that position. I love her to death and everything, but sometimes she's not enough. I can't complain to her about herself. I need someone to talk to her about because she still is my girlfriend and I still have problems that I need another guy's opinion with. I've always fit in better with girls that I have with guys. I've always been nervous and anxious around girls though at the same time. I don't really fit in with the guys because they're always trying to be macho, impress and beat each other, and impress the girls. I fit in with the girls, but I'm always too nervous, shy, and whatever else to actually talk to them and to get them to enjoy my presence.

In high school I was well known, but I was not popular by any means. EVERYONE knew my name and knew who I was, but I didn't really have any friends. Everytime I got close to a friend or something, they would change, ditch me, or I would ditch them. I know that it was sometimes my fault as well as it was his/her fault, but still, I just wish that I could've held on better to some relationships.

Liz, I know that you're probably going to read this, and please don't say anything to Frank. My best guy friend Frank has been hanging out NONSTOP with his friend Bill. I hate Bill with a passion. Bill hangs out NONSTOP with Frank, but only when he doesn't have a girlfriend. When he does have a girlfriend, Frank never sees or talks to him besides his attempts. He just up and leaves Frank high and dry. Then, as soon as his girlfriend and he breaks up, he's back to hanging out with him constantly. Bill is also an ass puppet, he's inconsiderate, rude, and needs to stop trying to be a freak. He just tries way too hard and it doesn't really work for him. He also makes Frank change and be an ass puppet too. There are a lot of little things that I could bring up, but I don't want to be dumb and petty, or at least seem like it. One of the biggest thing that really ticked me off last night, and the thing that pushed me over the edge and makes me wonder if I really want to hang out with Frank again was when we were going to Syracuse. Frank and Bill both smoke, and are usually really cool about it around me. Frank always is, except for lately when he's been around Bill. Anyways, Frank and Bill both light up their cigarretes. Usually Frank will roll down his window about half way, and I'll roll down mine a quarter of the way. Remember now, it's Upstate NY so it's FREEZING outside, so it's a really nice thing of him to do. Anyways, Frank usually rolls down his and mine window as I said before. When Frank and Bill light up this time, he cracks his window and Bill's. It's hardly anything. So, I roll down my window to almost half way down to give them the hint. Then... it happens, it made me want to snap, but instead I didn't do or say ANYTHING. They both roll up their windows so my window was the only one open. Not only did that they do this, but Frank has his ashtray for the car in the middle console and decides to hold his cigarrette there. This means that his cigarrette is basically directly next to me and my window is the only open one. I just didn't think that Frank would ever be so inconsiderate of me. This just totally makes me never want to hang out with Frank again. Not only because of this and Bill, but everything else that has been going on with him.

Another thing that has been bothering me is Michelle. When Michelle and I first started having sex, we were doing it a lot. We would do it like 3 or 4 times a day, and we would also be fooling around doing other things besides sex a number of times in addition to this. Eventually, of course, it died down. We were doing it about 1 or 2 times a day for the longest time. Then, it dropped down to sometimes doing it one time a day. Now, it seems like it's a chore for her to do it. I didn't mind it too much at first, but now it's getting really aggrivating and depressing. She hardly wants to have sex, and when she does, she usually wants to watch a porno as well. She makes me feel bad for wanting to have sex. I always feel bad when I try and make a move on her, not only because she rejected me, but because she gets mad at me for it. So, not only am I feeling bad because I was rejected but I also feel sorry for wanting to have sex because I know that she doens't like saying no to me. Sex and physical intimacy has always been my way of knowing that my girlfriend loves me, or at least cares enough about me to want to be physical with me. When we're physical I know that everything is alright and it's just a reassurance to me that everything is going good and there's nothing to worry about. It also lets me know that she finds me attractive and I'm obviously doing something right. When she doesn't though... It makes me feel that she doesn't find me attractive, makes me feel like there's something wrong, maybe she's cheating on me, maybe she's just staying with me for companionship or something else, maybe I'm bad at sex, there's just so many things that could be wrong. This is probably the thing that has me down the most.

She used to be so excited about sex. She usually made the first move more than I did. She always seemed to want it. Now she never wants to. I always have to make the first move, and she's never excited about it. Of course the sex isn't even that good because I feel like I'm doing something wrong and she's never that into it. She hardly gets wet, and I'm always half hard. I don't know what to do anymore. I know it's dumb and stupid to break up over sex, but sex is a HUGE part of my life and I need that physical attention. I'm not getting enough from her. She doesn't satisfy my needs. I'd feel like a jerk if I gave her an alta matta (SP?) over this, but I don't know what else to do. I've seriously been thinking about breaking up with her, I mean, I've tried to talk to her about it a bizillion times, but she just doesn't care and makes me feel bad for feeling the way I do. I know that what I'm saying is horrible, and I'm just being a stereotypical guy, but I need my physical attention and she doesn't want to give it to me. She makes me feel horrible and I just don't know what to do.