bobdylan5

Well, for those of you keeping score, here is the next installment of my novel:


To the cottage of the Honorable Bede, Lee finished.
What did you say? Coldwell said, furrowing his brow.
What did he say? Arthur said, looking at his partner.
The Honorable Bede, Lee said, as if he were trying to explain quantum mechanics to idiot children. We need directions to his cottage.
Why? Coldwell asked.
Why? Arthur added.
Because we want to see him, Lee said.
What makes you so sure he wants to see you? Coldwell said.
The Honorable Bede doesnt see anyone, Arthur said. Privately that is. Hes what you might call a recluse
Thats what I would call him, a recluse, Coldwell nodded. He stays at home and writes his books, does his research and all that. Only goes out to give lectures.
Lectures, Arthur repeated.
I dont know about that. This lady over here, Lee said, pointing at Mrs. Robinson, this lady over here is a friend of his.
At that, Coldwell and Arthur walked away from Lee and stepped back to take a close look at Mrs. Robinson.
Arthur, Coldwell said, stroking his chin.
Coldwell, Arthur said, doing the same.
Is that who I think it is?
It is, I think, Coldwell replied.
Its
Hello boys, Mrs. Robinson said. Hows the families?
Mrs. Robinson, Coldwell said.
Mrs. Robinson, Arthur added, fondly. We havent seen you in ages. Hows your Uncle Fred doing?
Im afraid my Uncle Fred has passed on, Mrs. Robinson said.
I am sorry to hear that, Coldwell said.
So sorry, Arthur said, bowing his head. Whatever happened to all those thylacines? He shivered.
I was wondering if you boys could direct us in the direction of the Honorable Bedes summer retreat, Mrs. Robinson said, ignoring Arthurs question about the thylacines. We need to see him, right away, and I seem to have got a little discombobulated on the directions.
Of course, Coldwell said.
Anything for you, Mrs. Robinson, Arthur said.
There was a pause. Coldwell and Arthur stood there, smiling stupidly at Mrs. Robinson.
Well? Mrs. Robinson said.
Well, what? Coldwell said.
The directionsthe Honorable Bedes
Oh those! Arthur said, hitting himself in the head with his third hand. How stupid of us. O.K. what you want to do is walk three blocks west of here, up to the Einstein-Rosen Bridge_
What are you talking about? Coldwell said loudly. That isnt how you get there at all.
Is so.
What you want to do is go east three blocks, and then take a left at The House for Undisciplined Mimes.
What? That isnt anywhere near the Honorable Bedes cottage, Arthur added indignantly. You must be talking about some other Honorable Bedes cottage.
Ah, what do you know, Coldwell said, picking up a sponge from the pavement and throwing it at Arthurs nose. You get lost going to the bathroom.
Is that so? Arthur said, picking up his own sponge and throwing it at Coldwells stomach. Who got us lost going to the Department of Permits for Cosmetic Surgery and Liposuction last Thursday, huh?
Only because you told me we needed to turn right at the Monument to Pioneers in the Field of Strategic Marketing, Coldwell said. He picked up another sponge and threw it at Arthur.
Mrs. Robinson sidled back to where Lee was standing, as the two workmen began to wrestle each other.
Einstein-Rosen Bridge! Arthur said, getting Coldwell into a headlock with his left and center arm.
House for Undisciplined Mimes! Arthur grunted, elbowing Coldwell in the stomach.
Fraid we wont be getting much from those two, Mrs. Robinson said. Thas the thing bout the people in the Really Incredible City. Theys idiots for the most part, sorry to say.
Well, what are we going to do? Lee said.
Dont fret, honey. Well get there somehow
Can we call him?
Mrs. Robinson shook her large head.
No, that wont do. The Honorable Bede hates phones. Somethin to do with electromagnetism and brainwaves. Sides, I dont think theres a public phone on this planet thats been in order since Hector was a pup.
Behind them, Coldwell and Arthur were rolling around on the ground. Other silver-grayish workmen were running from their own tasks to see what all the commotion was about.
Cmon, lets move down this way a piece, while I figures it out, Mrs. Robinson said, grabbing Lees arm.

I know, Mrs. Robinson said. I have just the thing!
They had moved down the street, away from the still battling Coldwell and Arthur. Sirens were now going off and Lee would look back occasionally to see that all sorts of vehicles were appearing on the scene: what appeared to be fire trucks and police cars and ambulances. A hot air zeppelin glided toward the battle and then Lee heard someone talking through a megaphone.
Pleasecease further hostilities and return to work. Life is wonderful. All is well. The suns are shining. You have sixty seconds to return to work
What did you say? Lee said, turning back to Mrs. Robinson. He was really beginning to dislike the Really Incredible City.
Ah, it aint that bad, Mrs. Robinson said, in answer to his thoughts. They do have some nice restaurants here, at least.
Did you say you knew how to get in touch with the Honorable Bede? They were now standing in front of one of the wings of the giant glass structure. Lee was sure they had walked ten blocks at least.
I do. I dont know why I didnt think bout it before. Once again, she reached under her always-helpful toboggan cap. This time she pulled out a small wicker cage. The cage reminded Lee of a Chinese pagoda. Inside the cage, a plump bird fluttered around on a wooden perch. Lee had never seen such a bird. It looked like a pigeon, but Lee had never seen a pigeon with this kind of coloring. Its head was a canary yellow and its body was ink black. Its wings were a black-and-white checkered pattern.
Before ya axe what it is, Ill tell ya, Mrs. Robinson said. Save us some time. Ya heard of homing pigeons, Im sure?
Of course, Lee said, staring at the bird.
Well this here bird is a superluminary homing pigeon.
A superlumiwhat?
Mrs. Robinson sighed.
A superluminary homing pigeon. Superluminary meaning faster than light. This one heres called Gerdie. Say hello.
Hello, Gerdie, Lee said, numbly.
Dont know why I didnt think bout this before. I guess my brain must be plumb frazzled from having to explain everythin to you twice.
Sorry, Lee said.
Mrs. Robinson opened a small door in the wicker pagoda and withdrew Gerdie. The bird sat quietly in Mrs. Robinsons hand, staring at her with flashing green eyes. Lee noticed that Gerdies talons had gold scales on them.
Its a very colorful bird, Lee said.
It is, Mrs. Robinson agreed. And a very helpful bird, too.
She brought her other hand down to Gerdies talons. It was then that Lee noticed there was what appeared to be a small band of colored paper wrapped around one of the birds legs. The bird cooed as Mrs. Robinson deftly removed this band.
Here... hold Gerdie while I write, she said, thrusting the bird into Lees hands.
Lee clumsily held Gerdie. The bird looked up at him with curiosity.
Once again Mrs. Robinson reached up under her toboggan cap. She brought out the giant pencil that she had used earlier to write thoughts with, the one with the red stripes on it.
Lets see, she said, licking the pencil lead. What to write
Lee watched as she used the giant pencil to write on the band of paper. The band could not have been any bigger than the fortune from a fortune cookie, but she held it in her palm and managed to write on it for five minutes at least. Lee had no idea how she managed such a feat.
Just a matter a knowin what I wants to say, Mrs. Robinson muttered. Ya can give me back Gerdie now.
Mrs. Robinson took the bird and rewrapped the small band of paper around its leg. Lee expected her to throw the bird into the air now, but she just stood there staring at it.
Mrs. Robinson, arent you going to release Gerdie? Why would I do that? Mrs. Robinson asked.
So she can fly off and find the Honorable Bede of course.
Mrs. Robinson laughed.
Well, thats the way it works with your ordinary pigeons, of course, she said. But this is a superluminary pigeon. Dont have to go nowhere.
I dont understand, Lee said.
Of course, Mrs. Robinson said, shaking her head. That dont surprise me none. Well ya know, of course, nothin in the universe is sposed to travel faster than the speed of light. Trains, busses, boats, bologna sandwichesnothing is sposed to go faster than light.
Yes, I think Ive heard that before, Lee said.
O.K. But the thing is, everybody thinks the universe is made up a discrete partspeople, buildins, planets, bologna sandwichesall standin alone, no connection whatsoever between em.
Well, yes.
Well, that is all hogwash. Everythin in the universe is connected and everythin in the universe affects everythin else. You and Is connected, much as I hate to admit that fact. You and that monstrosities connected, she said, indicating the giant building behind them with a shake of her massive head. Course lots of these connections arent noticeable. Some are.
But whats that got to do with_
Im getting to that, Mrs. Robinson said. Before my Uncle Fred died, the Honorable Bede gave Gerdie here as a present to him. Now Gerdie here is part of a pair of birds. The Honorable Bede kept the other bird, Bertie, for himself. These birds here are inextricably connected to each other, like they was the same bird or somethin, only in different locations. I can go ahead and feed Gerdie some seed or somethin, and at the same time Bertie would get full up. The Honorable Bede could give Gerdies partner Bertie a bath and Gerdie herself would be squeaky clean as well.
Thats incredible, Lee said.
Simultaneous. Thats what it is. Anyway, that message that I just wrote will be simultaneously copied on the band of paper that Bertie has on his own leg. And if the Honorable Bede is anywhere near the pigeon, we should have an answer in a few
Suddenly, Gerdie started to bob her head and coo.
That should be it, Mrs. Robinson said, excitedly. Once again, she extricated the band from Gerdies gold-scaled leg and thrust the bird in to Lees hands. She unrolled the paper and perused it for several minutes.
Its the Honorable Bede. He says he would be very happy to see us. He says hes in the park right now and we should come and meet him there.

There were a lot of statues in the park of people Lee had never heard of.
They were standing in front of such a statue right now, searching for the elusive Honorable Bede. Already they had been twice around the silvery lake that sat at the center of the verdant park with no sign of him. Of course, Lee had no idea what an Honorable Bede looked like, but he assumed that he was not silver gray and that, since he was a scholar, he was probably very purposeful looking.
Yes, honeyhe is a might intense. But still a good man, Mrs. Robinson said.
Before they headed out for the park, which proved to be an incredibly short distance from the glass structure, Mrs. Robinson had put Gerdie the pigeon in her pagoda cage and tucked the whole thing back up under her cap. Gerdie could not stop cooing: a pleasing, musical sound.
Shes very happy cause soon she knows shes gonna be seein Bertie soon, Mrs. Robinson had said.
The statue that Lee was now standing in front of was one of at least several hundred that bordered the walkways in the park. They were all, Lee assumed, men who had done something incredible enough to have a statue erected in their memory.
Wouldnt be too sure, Mrs. Robinson had said.
As far as Lee could tell, the statues themselves all seemed to depict the same man, his bronze face (if it was indeed bronze) tilted heroically skyward, his three arms outstretched as if he were ready and willing to come to the rescue of every citizen in the Really Incredible City.
Read the inscriptionsread the inscriptions Mrs. Robinson had said.
So Lee had read the inscriptions at the base of each statue. They were not the same man and the exploits of each individual seemed to be so banal that Lee was quite mystified as to what had prompted anyone to erect a statue in their honor. There was a statue of Mobius Happler who had, for forty-five years, been the Chief Actuary at the firm of Tapoketa Insurance and who had invented something called the Happler Multiple Worlds Actuary Tables. And then there was Dreebus Waasman, whose major claim to fame was that he had taken only one day of sick leave in his entire tenure at the Department of Lost Pocket Watches, and that for a sudden bout of whooping crane cough.
It seems the major ambition of every man and woman and child on this planet is to be mediocre enough to one day warrant a statue in this here park, Mrs. Robinson said, wrapping her knuckles against one of the statues.
The statue that Lee was standing in front of now was for someone named Zukav Perrenial. And Zukavs major claim to fame was that he had invented a machine to automatically tie childrens shoes. Lee supposed that this was more noteworthy than only missing one day of work in your entire life but still
Why is this place called the Really Incredible City? Lee asked. Really Mediocre City would be more like it.
Well, bout fifty years or so ago, it was incredible, Mrs. Robinson. The people then wasnt so damned stilted and fraid of everything. I mean, they built all them skyscrapers, didnt they? And then, as the city grew, so did the all the damn paperwork to keep it operatin. And most peoples jobs ended up bein somethin like that. A cog in the wheel. A drop in the bucket. And they reached some kind of plateau, vision wise. Thas why I was so amazed to see that big building back there. I didnt know they had it in them to build somethin like that anymore. Maybe the Honorable Bede had a hand in those plans. Hes a bit of an architect, long with being everythin else.
Lee kept staring at inscriptions on statues, amazed (not amazed) at the banality of it all. There was a statue for General Seersucker Suit, a nine-star general who had been instrumental in inventing a laser pointer for military briefings. There was a statue for Amy Teasdale, whose claim to fame was that for twenty years she had been voted by The Really Incredible City Magazine as the neatest package wrapper in the universe. And then there was
Mrs. Robinson, Lee whispered.
In front of Lee was an inscription for another statue. This is what it said: