Perhaps Suicide Girls is my Roman Empire.
And I a wannabe Edward Gibbon.
Except I don’t want there to be any decline, nor fall, of SG.
I want the best for SG.
Because I really dig this site.
So I sift through its history for your edification and titillation.
I think there are many lessons to be learned by looking back at SG history.
Specifically, I think that models (both Hopeful and Pinks) can learn much from what HAS and what HAS NOT been done—what WORKS and what DOES NOT WORK.
But mostly I find artistic history (pin-up photography is undoubtedly an art) inspiring.
When I find myself doubting my talents, I like to look back at history and say to myself, “Well, this bloke was from my state…and he made great stuff…and nobody paid attention.”
That’s what gives me inspiration.
“To begin is easy; to persevere is an art.”
That is supposedly a German proverb.
I cannot verify its provenance.
But I admire the sentiment very much.
Whether you are a Hopeful doubting herself, or a Suicide Girl who feels slighted or shafted, this chapter (and book) is for you.
The month was November.
The year 2009.
It began like many months in SG history.
To my eyes, the Hopefuls were making better stuff than the established models.
And they were getting no recognition for it.
But fear not: the Suicide Girls rose up with a vengeance near the end of the month and emptied my wallet of tips.
Let’s discuss who got tipped.
And why.
First off was a set I couldn’t tip if I wanted to (and I did want to).
The perfect set in question was by @demonee .
The set is The Last Ray of the Sun .
If there’s one thing SG is lacking, it is big-titty goth girlfriends.
You would think the site would be replete with them.
But you would be wrong.
This gal coulda been a pasty star—a pale, voluptuous raven.
But she did not persevere.
Perhaps she was insulted that her beginning (and end) did not receive the adoration it deserved.
Regardless, it’s a perfect set.
But life is not always about boobs.
Sometimes life is about art.
And @sucette sucked my brain from my noggin with her washed-out master stroke My World… .
She too failed to persevere.
[but at least she made a second set!]
Her debut is really proof that small boobs can win the day.
ANYTHING can win the day.
ANYONE can win the day.
But it takes the right approach.
The right approach for the situation.
In my book (which you are reading), Sucette won the day in a sort of way with her first set.
The colors are seductive.
The sun is magical.
It is a deft slice of life.
I love it!!
Not long after, we chanced upon another PERFECT Hopeful set.
This one by @riese .
The set is Relieving the Tension .
This gal had MAGICAL breasts!!!
But it was not enough.
AND she persevered.
But she did not persevere long enough.
Consider wars.
Consider besieged peoples.
But also, ask yourself, “Is becoming a Suicide Girl really my dream?”
If the answer is yes, then never give up.
Be obstinate.
Be CREATIVE (for fucksake).
Try DIFFERENT approaches.
But most importantly, follow your artistic voice.
You will (should) have an aesthetic different from others.
That’s good.
Now embrace it.
Study your own creations (your sets).
Study the sets of others.
Refine your aesthetic.
“Know yourself, know your enemy: a thousand victories.”
Those are the words of Sun Tzu.
You must know YOUR strengths and weaknesses.
And you must recognize the OPPORTUNITIES and THREATS which likewise stem from the strengths and weaknesses of your “enemies”.
It is a friendly competition…Suicide Girls.
But can any competition involving money (livelihoods) really be all that friendly???
No.
Outwardly, be friendly.
Hope for the best…for those who deserve it.
But absolutely LAY WASTE every time you drop a set.
Each set is a battle.
Leave no survivors.
Coax every tip from every wallet.
Pad your bank account.
And if you are an artistic type (like me), SATISFY YOURSELF.
Make WHAT YOU wanna make.
Whatever it is (within the medium of pin-up photography), make it.
Do it.
Push the envelope.
If you think it’s impossible, it’s impossible.
If you think it’s possible, it may* be possible.
It is a bit like Pascal’s wager.
There’s no use approaching this game* with the mindset that, “I will never go Pink.”
At no point is that an acceptable attitude.
Maybe as a fleeting thought, but not as a mission statement.
Believe in your own defeat, and you will be defeated.
On to more photos.
Next is a very pleasant set by @eden called Constellation .
Why is this set good?
This girl is pretty.
And she SELLS it.
Like she’s on a catwalk.
Seductive.
Mysterious.
The photography is also quite good.
Soft and airy.
Light.
As wispy as a cloud…
And pay attention to the CLOSE-UPS.
What is in close-up?
Her face.
Why?
Because it’s her best physical attribute.
She’s not wasting frames on a part of her physique that is less than flattering.
She’s not “selling” you her tits.
Nor her ass.
She knows her strengths.
She also has great legs.
How do you effectively photograph legs?
One way (the one which she has chosen) is to make those legs look like a fucking dictator lording over drooling manservants.
Maybe she watched Citizen Kane and learned a few things from Orson.
Had she wanted to remain active (she seems to have been absent these past two years), she might have done well to keep learning.
Anyone can stumble across Kane.
It takes a savant to absorb F for Fake.
But that is my aesthetic.
From what is your aesthetic formed?
Who’s your favorite film director?
Who’s your favorite artist?
Who’s your favorite musician?
Who’s your favorite author?
Who’s your favorite philosopher?
Whose ideas SHAPED you?
Know yourself.
More good sets flowed through the month.
One particularly deft use of make-up was made by @nixon in Ate the Canary .
I’m usually not a fan of makeup.
I like to see natural girls.
Natural beauty.
BUT, make-up can be done artfully.
And that is just what Nixon does here.
The wine-red lipstick.
And the burgundy hair.
Hair and make-up.
And CONTRAST.
Dark lips.
Dark hair.
PALE SKIN.
Bathed in light.
It tickles the eyes.
Which tickle the brain.
Which tickles our erotic extremities.
It had a mission.
To titillate.
It succeeded.
Well-done!
Also with a fine showing was @eterea in Plug in Baby .
Gimme VHS tapes in sets all day long!
Bitch looks crazy too.
I dig it.
But I must admit that the TITLE of her second set (Flaming Lips) is what got me to look so closely at her first set.
Titles are so important.
You are playing on peoples’ associative powers.
Don’t waste the opportunity to FRAME your set in the minds of viewers.
YOU set the program.
Beethoven guided his audience in his 6th Symphony.
Think of the countryside when you are listening to my music, said Beethoven.
Picture a brook with gurgling water when you hear my symphony, said Beethoven.
Think of country folks (farm people).
And then imagine thunder and a STORM.
Finally, let my music carry you away mentally to a vision of a shepherd after the storm—thankful that all his sheep are accounted for.
Beethoven knew the power of titles.
Study his “Pastoral” Symphony.
He blazed a trail.
Composers for the next hundred years followed his lead.
Don’t let your titles go to waste.
THINK about it (as Jerry Lee Lewis used to exhort).
Now back to a model we haven’t discussed in awhile, and that is the mighty @quinne .
Her set Domesticated is quite good.
I particularly like shot number 16.
Tits pressed up against something.
It is particularly-effective here.
If you want to see a really great set, you gotta check out @rambo in Wedding .
The photography by @fractal is stellar!
Tits, ass, pearls, bathed in light…
Fucking awesome!!
Don’t forget to visit @astrum and her set Mannequin Monday .
There’s so much potential here!
Dimples.
Pierced dimples.
Black lingerie on pale skin (great look).
And this gal is pretty fit!
But she did not persevere.
I wonder why?
Of special note is the set by @goregrind entitled Fatal Error .
While she has great legs (and shows them off nicely), the shot which takes this set to the next level is the close-up of her bellybutton piercings.
ART!!
No one worked harder at the SG game In November 2009 than @junkyardjane .
This gal dropped THREE sets (!) that month.
The first one seems the strongest to me.
It is called Backyard Junk .
She has some nice, brown areolas.
Well-done!
At a higher level was @zoli in Shady Lane .
An undeniably-BEAUTIFUL lady, some exquisite photography, and a juicy fucking ass in close-up.
I dig it!!
Clocking in with quality as well was @lanii in her only Hopeful set Innocent? .
She has a nice bum, but where she really excels is with that Indiana Jones whip.
Hot-cha-cha!
Next we come to a gal who did well both as a model AND a photographer in November 2009.
First a set of her modeling.
Appreciate @waikiki in Dreaming Uruguay .
Check out shot number eight.
FABULOUS fucking legs!
[we will cover her photography skills later in this chapter]
But let’s kick it up a notch with @mimmi in her swan song [take a drink every time I use those words] La Paloma .
THIS one has ACTION.
DRAMA.
MOTION.
Observe the final eight frames of that set.
There is a plot.
It was plotted out.
And the casting was impeccably-savvy.
1. Naked girl giving “fuck me” eyes to a bloke across the bar.
2. She takes a drink—never looking away…still gazing at some geezer.
3. Does he buy her a beer? Not sure. Astra pilsner. Unlikely to be USA.
4. She takes the drink—still gazing at the bonehead across the bar.
5. Nice shot of her athletic legs and tight ass.
6. Close-up of her bum.
[and now for one of the most genius pictures ever to appear in an SG set
7. We finally get a glimpse of the punter she’s been eying. Nay, we get A WHOLE FRAME of NOTHING BUT HIM. But the genius lay in two indispensable details. A. We see him ONLY FROM THE BACK (think Vivre sa vie) B. The motherfucker can’t be bothered to shave his hairy-ass neck. FUCKING GENIUS!!!
8. Nude girl with fishing pole.
A word about that seventh frame.
Whoever conceived this set (model, photographer, etc.) knew their audience.
I would venture to guess that most patrons of SG (myself included) don’t look anywhere near as cool as the overwhelming majority of Suicide Girls.
From my informal research, we are the “guys with the hairy necks” (some of us literally).
We are the guys always seen from the back.
Think about it!
Look how fucking hot that girl is.
A conscious decision was made to ensure that the male “part” was played by someone NOT CONVENTIONALLY ATTRACTIVE.
Do you think they could have gotten someone with a more spiffy neck?
OF COURSE!
But we don’t relate to spiffy-neck guy.
We relate to “guy always seen from behind”.
When you’re a wallflower, no one gives a fuck if your neck is shaved.
[walls don’t judge]
What a FANTASTIC set!!
How about some more notable spreads from Nov. 2009?
Next up was @zafrina with Bed Bunny .
This appears to have been her swan song [drink].
A really pretty gal shot in a photographic style which perfectly captures her vulnerable facial expressions.
There are some extraordinary pictures in there!
Also worth mentioning is @jazmyne_ in her only Hopeful set A Night at the Movies .
This one this worth viewing if for nothing else than shot #11 .
Gal has a perfect philtrum.
What a shot!
But we need that higher art.
So I give you @renna in what looks to be her swan song [kicking in yet?] Muse .
Extraordinarily-pretty girl with red hair and nipples like tulips.
Ambrosial!!
Also kicking out the jams was @tamari in Keep It Real .
Being a huge fan of Ali G., this set had my R-E-S-T-E-C-P from the get-go.
I like real girls.
Real boobs.
These aren’t huge.
But they are PERFECT!!
Ok, now shit starts heating up.
Welcome to the perfection that is @ayastigi in Puppy Love .
This gal stole five bucks from me yesterday.
And she stole me heart.
[cheesy?]
Please remember you can tip these classic-era models.
Some of them appreciate it.
But it’s worth a shot, right?
Ayastigi has shirt puppies FOR DAYS.
Good LAWD those are pretty!!!
It was a hard act to follow, but @marlabliss did quite well with Antiglamor Beach .
Great close-ups, wet hair-flinging shots right out of the Sports Illustrated [RIP] playbook, beads by her coochie, sucking on a bead, ass shot glancing back over her shoulder…
Pretty goddamned awesome!
Also good was @randii in Home Alone .
It was her only Hopeful set.
And it did quite well.
Nice pair of boobs!
Very stereophonic.
Truly capable of that elusive noise-canceling motorboating which has helped many a man achieve nirvana.
Namaste.
Likewise of note was @marianne in Watching .
This one is significant if for no other reason than for that final shot.
She demonstrates how to make the most of a frame (splitting it in half—two pictures in one) while simultaneously making the most of gravity (a party trick best achieved with natural boobs).
The flop.
The plop.
A beautiful thing.
And she captures it with still photography.
Amazing tits!
Ok, no more fucking around.
Time for more perfection.
It’s @sweety in Holly Cow [sic].
My God, those are amazing breasts!!!
She too stole five bucks from me yesterday
She conspired to have my schlong reach into my wallet and purloin an Abe Lincoln.
And it was worth every cent.
This fine month was buoyed by more notable models and sets such as @anastassia in Risky Business .
Those areolæ look like an onion-domed churches!
Truly worthy of being painted by Андрей Рублёв.
Fine work was next done by @minimi in her only Hopeful set Feel the Blue .
This one starts getting interesting about 22 frames from the end.
Bitch is drinking some blue shit and drooling it down her chin.
HAWT!
Really a pretty gal.
Nice curly hair.
But no one paid attention [78 likes in 15 years].
And she didn’t persevere.
Why not?
Other sets I found to be notable include Sorry About What Happens Later… .
It’s a multi credited to @morrigan .
Most multis are tedious as fuck, but this one is at least interesting.
There is a weird eroticism in it that I dig.
And we see (in the final frame) what I would imagine to be our legendary auteur @p_mod .
If for nothing else, find the frame where one girl is sucking on another girl’s ball-gal.
Worth the price of admission!
And let’s not forget about the strong contribution made by @jalissa .
“Flower in the desert” does not begin to sum up the impossibly-mind-fucked Wasteland .
More like, “stick Saoirse Ronan in Death Valley and try not to sunburn challenge”.
Good Gawd, man.
This gal should be wilting.
How on Earth did they pull this off?!?
Anyhow, it is quite impressive!
That must have been the quickest photo shoot ever.
Now we come to a double-shot of perfection.
First up is @morrow in her debut Aurora .
Don’t bore me with your borealis, Alice!
Gimme Morrow today, yesterday, and every other day.
This lass lifted a fiver from me pants sure enough.
Large jugs.
Lounging around.
I think she would have been best painted by Fernand Léger.
And now for a lady who was gracious enough to comment on a previous chapter of this tome you are reading.
There’s nothing I find sexier than kindness.
So thank you, @iona , for being a good person (and for having a GREAT rack).
Let’s examine her PERFECT contribution to November 2009 (which I should have used all my lunch money to tip…but how did I know she’d be the one gal to give a fuck? I didn’t know.): it’s her second set Afternoon Snuggles .
Following up on the kooky candidness of her debut, Iona Bathtub (i TOO own a bathtub, but it lacks Princess Iona), Afternoon Snuggles takes her œuvre to a new level.
From set 1 to set 2, she became (in my eyes) A STAR.
Sadly, those who liked her second set didn’t go back and check out her first set.
Nor did many of them visit her third set.
[those BASTARDS]
Anyhow.
Let’s focus on set #2 for the time being.
I think it is safe to say that it is her most revealing set.
And this probably explains its popularity.
But you know what?
When a gal from 15 years ago comments on my chicken shit book (the one you’re reading), it makes me want to KNOW her CHARACTER.
It makes me LIKE her.
See how that works?
Be genuine.
I mean, you know, it’s almost Valentine’s Day.
I suppose we are all (most?) hoping for a Sleepless in Seattle sort of miracle.
Anyhoo.
I really appreciate Iona’s comment.
And it was my pleasure to tip her a paltry five dollars.
She is worth so much more than that.
And I wish I could tip more.
But I am tapped out.
For the time being.
N.B. I was so curious about her that I read her whole profile.
Remember, gals: fill out them thar profiles!!
On we move to @oogie .
She caught my eye with her debut Pink-a-Boo .
The sunshine in this revelatory set is spotless.
And the whole affair is an epiphany.
Superb!
Also good was @cecile in what appears to be her swan song [how’s that buzz coming along?] Venetian Symphony .
The title makes me think of Tchaikovsky.
Particularly his Capriccio Italien.
But that’s neither here, nor there.
Or rather, Rome instead of Venice.
This set succeeds due to a healthy dose of ZZ Top.
Check out the shot five from the end (as well as the final frame itself).
She’s got legs; and she knows how to use them.
I, on the other hand, do not know how to use a semicolon.
But that’s ok.
For ‘twas the Shakers (or was it the Quakers? Certainly one of those aching religious groups 100%) who taught us that only God can be perfect.
They believed it such that they would purposefully make at least one mistake on every item they crafted (such as quilts, for instance).
From Better Homes and Gardens back to tits and ass!
[stay with me, little guys!!]
It’s @benten in Resurrection .
This MASTERPIECE was shot by @p_mod (the second great SG photographer [after of course the founding mother of SG camera wizardry @missy ]).
This set is what guys like Spielberg would probably term “high concept”.
This isn’t just “get nude in front of the camera”.
Oh no!
[leave that to the Dogme 95 crowd]
Normally I’m a naturalist.
In terms of art.
I would take Harmony Korine eight days a week over Stevie Baby.
But I gotta admit, those first two Indiana Jones movies are FUCKING AWESOME.
[The third one is laborious shite. Fourth one a bit of a comeback. Most recent one hits a new level of shite-ness rendering it totally unwatchable past the first ten minutes…and even those minutes I want back.]
That said, “high concept” works.
HERE.
It takes the right model.
And the right photographer.
And most importantly, an elegant idea which is within the abilities of the aforementioned duo.
Resurrection belongs in MoMA.
But I’m no Klaus Biesenbach (thank God!).
So it will take an advocate far above my station in life to effectuate that outcome.
Need a “money shot” for the art market?
Find the snap of Benten’s feet perched above (behind) her taut rump.
Such a delicate composition…
This cyberpunk blast is as timeless as Blade Runner.
[but it does not quite topple Kamikaze 1989]
Ok, five more.
Some bronze, some silver, and one gold medal to pass out.
With a well-earned silver medal, I congratulate @priscila (as well as her godlike photographer @waikiki ) on their collaboration Intimissimo .
Very intimate?
ppp…
Shhh / Peaceful
Tits?
Check.
Ass?
Uh huh.
A surfeit of beauty marks and other large freckles?
Roger that!
But it is those last four frames that seal the deal.
Sealed with a kiss.
Steamy as Monet’s koi pond on a winter morning.
Spring-fed recoil, baby!!
Another silver medal goes to @alii for her only Hopeful set The 1830 .
The boobage is quite nearly off the chart!!
Good thing we made those charts so big.
With a very respectable bronze medal I award @grenade for her debut set Industrial Doll .
Shot 16 shows so much potential!
Next we come to another perfect set that robbed me blind, so I present a 5£ gold medal (yes, I bloody-well know it’s sterling, you twit!) to @bully for her mind-blowing set Sensational .
[now, thee, uh…voice in my ear is telling me that, in fact, I DID NOT tip this set, owning to her ostensible inactivity on SG as tested by previously tipping her and noting no reaction from the test subject]
Anyhow, it’s a perfect set.
Dem some FINE titties—some beautiful, heavy melons.
Das for dam sūr!!!
Finally, tonight, we end on a very prudent note…with a workmanlike bronze medal for a well-deserving set by @komyt .
It is a story of “local girl makes good”.
A real Horatio Alger trip.
The set in question is another testament to the importance of titles.
Afternoon Aperitif strikes just the right hoity-toity tone to rook in rednecks like myself who have low self-esteem and an obsession with French New Wave cinema (strictly Jean-Luc Godard, natch).
That shot four from the end is nice.
A dark goblet of Pernod (perhaps) framed by a Modigliani rack.
And with this, I bid you a pleasant afternoon, night, and morning.
Until chapter the next.
—Pauly Deathwish
