October 2009 was a good month at SG.
Not a great month.
Not a horrible month.
If you’re looking for your big-titty goth girlfriend (who isn’t?), you ain’t gonna find her there.
Not a lot of big, natural breasts that month.
Which doesn’t mean it was a total loss.
Far from it!
So settle in and grab your lube of choice (scotch whiskey, K-Y Jelly, Pennzoil, southern sweet tea so thick you gotta drink it with a fork…).
I present to you the best of a mid month.
A mediocre affair.
You shan’t have to wade through the detritus.
I’ve done that for you.
All’s you got’s to do—yous guys—is sit back and peruse some tits and ass from a Halloween past.
The first to move the “needle” (definitely felt it twitch) was @akito with her debut Soft Blue .
This gal makes the cut because she’s SO DAMN PRETTY.
Ugh.
And dig on that diamond-sparkle eyeliner.
What an absolute princess!
Also nudging the whack-o-meter was @serene in Reflected .
She made two sets in Oct. 2009.
This one is a masterwork in CONTRAST and CLOSE-UP.
Black hair.
Pale skin.
And a two-tone areola-cum-nipple (that’s Latin, dipshit) worthy of hanging in the Uffizi.
a VERY LIMITED color palette.
black.
white.
pink.
that’s it.
VERY effective.
And she focuses on probably her strongest physical trait: her divine face.
It’s no accident this set got over 2000 likes.
And that was A LOT back then.
[…still a lot]
But the needle really started wigging out when we got to @autumnbethany in Lazy Afternoon .
Ruh-roh.
A Hopeful making better shit than Suicide Girls.
Problematic?
By “better” I usually mean (in these cases) that she had more natural talent.
She had more business being a model than some of those that we were being sold as “hot”.
This bitch SWATTED the “at bat” here.
Definitely went to the fences (but not over).
Fucking phenomenal rack!!
Also vigorously wiggling the needle was @soya in Right Thurr .
Very, very nice breasts.
A little small for my taste.
But also such a pretty, svelte creature.
Fantastic work!!
Pleasurable friction was also induced by @keilyn in her set A Day At the Ranch .
I gotta give this one high marks on account of her huge knockers.
Heavy, man, heavy!!
Also generating electricity was @vespera in White Rabbit .
A really nice, dreamy set bathed in light and rosy flesh!
Back to a higher voltage, we had @gdgt in Swansea .
This one is a masterpiece of Celtic string-dusting.
If you like your pin-ups to include a heaping spoonful of Harpo Marx (who doesn’t?!?), then give this bird a chance!
She’ll ruffle your feathers!!
More seismic activity was detected when @blood_rayne dropped her set Up the Down Staircase .
‘Twas the season for mixing metaphors.
Like Led Zeppelin and Marcel Duchamp’s Hefner-godfathered love child, Blood_rayne really is to be commended for her camera experimentation in the last few frames.
I need more of that.
Too many sets [2024] that are just some bitch sticking her ass out.
No creativity.
No differentiation.
No artistry.
[I am, of course, not referring to any of the bit…er, LADIES who may or may not (probably the latter) be reading this blog. It is the other bitches of whom I speak. The bitches who don’t read blogs. The bitches who don’t follow their followers back. The bitches who make boring, trite, vacuous sets (on SUICIDE GIRLS, Satan forbid!)]
Back to more bitches.
The next bitch is no bitch at all.
Which is not to say she has a pair of balls.
Nay, she is a QUEEN (queen bitch?) because of her perfect set Post Party Wash Down .
I am speaking of a model you all (should) know and love: @kezai .
Oh, don’t know her???
That’s because she SMOKED the competition in a rather mundane month by making this slice of fried golden lust…AS A HOPEFUL.
Her reward?
196 [sic] likes.
If my math is correct (which it probably isn’t), that’s about 13 likes per year…for the past 15 years.
13 lost souls a year (theoretically) have stumbled across this boner-inducing phenom whilst scouring the site for something/anything titillating.
Why is it a perfect set (aside from the fact that it is buttressed on all sides by pedestrian sleepiness)?
She had WORLD-CLASS mams (and a mug to go with ‘em).
She coulda been the next @mary —the next @ember , but she wasn’t given the chance.
And nobody noticed.
Look at that cute face…
Breaks your heart.
AND THOSE TITS!!!
[breaks your dick…]
But, as is so often the case, this bitch bailed after one stab at it.
No follow-up set.
So she didn’t really do due diligence in her quest to become a Suicide Girl.
[if you’re wondering what’s gotten into this bitch-happy bastard, let it be noted that I am currently listening to the 1970 Miles Davis album Bitches Brew. Coincidence??? I think so!]
The needle continued to move with @fractal in her final set Heaven in Black .
Nice ass!
Of greater notability was @vallen in Blue Falcon .
This set makes prominent use of an underused cool-daddy-o hue: robin’s-egg blue.
Fucking awesome!!
Don’t underestimate underdogs (?) like @janedoe .
She got the needle wiggling solidly with her set Red Pepper .
What “sells” this set (makes it work) is Janedoe’s infectious smile.
Don’t be afraid to smile.
Don’t be afraid to snarl.
But be very afraid of resting bitch face.
A pin-up set is a performance.
It’s your chance to be an actress.
It’s completely visual.
Like a mime.
No lines to memorize.
But you can STILL be a cinema star.
USE your face to convey something.
If you’re shy, that’s ok.
But if that’s the case, go to the extreme in that direction.
Hide your head under a pillow.
Be playful.
Pin-up sets are like silent films.
You have to EXAGGERATE your facial expressions.
I don’t mean a bunch of fake-as-fuck smiles.
What do you want to convey in your set?
Know your target.
You are operating on the psyches of (predominantly) male beasts.
Which ones are you going to slay?
Whose hearts are you going to steal?
Imagine them.
Find them on this site.
Observe.
Prepare.
Study.
STRIKE.
When it’s your turn, strike with an undeniable venom.
It is then that wallets will open and funds flow and OnlyFans memberships swell.
Steal their hearts.
Our hearts.
Get diabolical.
Think (really THINK) about what you are trying to do.
And then do it.
The more appropriate your plan is to your body and style and personality, the more deadly-awesome the effect will be.
To Janedoe, smiles came naturally.
They look candid.
Real.
And she further caps our knees with those final cinematic shots where light is dancing on and through the reflective windows.
More voltage!
I need more!!
[CAN do, captain]
It’s @celadon in Cupcakes .
It is at this point we start to notice a newish phenomenon in the annals of SG History.
Hopefuls gained the ability to be TIPPED.
Yes, that’s right.
For the first eight years of the site, this wasn’t the case.
And, of course, the Hopefuls “program” was not something present in the earliest days of SG.
What year did it roll out?
I guess you’ll have to read the first 50 chapters to learn the answer.
It’s in there somewhere.
And when you find it, let me know.
Seriously, this hunk o’ shit (my history) direly needs a fucking index.
So you can go tip Celadon.
Never mind that she hasn’t been active on here for the past five years.
She’ll get it.
Probably.
Some day.
As for her set, it is pretty fucking awesome.
Cupcakes was her debut.
No, she never went Pink.
BUT, at least you can tip this bitch.
Because every good bitch deserves tips.
And why should you tip this set?
This set is next-level thanks to one perfect shot: the snap of her putting a cherry into her sprinkle-covered lips.
THAT was a bit of inspiration!
Very savvy!!
Further flicking the needle down the road (mercifully) was @baz with Blown a Wish .
Did she name her set after a song on my bloody valentine’s album Loveless?
No matter.
I’m gonna assume she did.
And in so doing, I’m going to concomitantly assume that she is an intelligent, erudite music connoisseur (read SMART).
Note the importance of your set title.
You are waging information warfare on a bunch of schlubs like myself.
You can pack a lot of meaning into the title of your set.
You can GET PEOPLE’S ATTENTION with a well-chosen title.
And you can especially assault sapiosexuals who get a woody for a nice turn of phrase.
As for Baz, she has a phenomenal ass!
And an angelic face!!
And don’t forget to look at her stats (bio).
See what happened there?
The title of her set was SO GOOD that it made we want to learn ABOUT HER!
Is she as smart as that title indicates?
Let’s see.
She’s a musician (good start…partially explains the title).
She’s into architecture and cinema?!?
Fuck yeah!!!
Verdict: bitch is smart.
And not at all a bitch.
More of a princess.
A queen.
A deity.
[call me!]
Ok, I’m all sapio- “hot and bothered” after reading that rather exquisite bio.
Don’t underestimate bios.
Fill ‘em out.
Be smart.
Not smart?
Get smart.
Consume cool shit.
I hate multis.
But @manko is not an average Suicide Girl.
Far from it!
And for A Punk Nightmare in NY she teams up brilliantly with @vivid .
This multi doesn’t suck (unlike most multis [which do suck {lazy naked bitches}]).
Amazing tits here.
Tits in mouths.
Or thereabouts.
A cigarette butt put out on a tongue.
By a naked girl hovering over another KNEELING (likewise) naked girl.
HAWT!!
This set is interesting.
It’s not an excuse for multiple bitches to slack off and fail to come up with a persuasive IDEA for a set.
Oh no, not these bitches.
These bitches were WAY ABOVE the average multi.
[Jesus Christ this is gonna be a long chapter.]
That needle kept wiggling with @eevie in her debut Eden .
What this month lacked in bust line it made up for in juicy ASS and very strong photography.
Eden has an aesthetic almost on par with late-Godard films like Notre Musique and Adieu au langage (or at least Film Socialisme).
This is some GOOD shit!
I’m a big fan of blown-out, saturated colors like the PSYCHOTROPIC green that dominates Eden .
If you’ve given up weed (guilty!), you will feel high as fuck after viewing this delightful set.
Next to set off our sniffers is the very-fine @businda in her one-and-only Hopeful set: Evening in a Winter Garden .
Businda chose the most perfect and complementary “prop” to accentuate her exotic beauty: a single, blooming hibiscus flower.
That’s one helluva pistil and stamen (if you know what I mean)!
Current was also felt from @meelajane in her debut Cornflower Blue .
Dem some pretty nice titties…I can’t lie!
Ok, but we need a lethal dose of electricity.
None of this Alabama nitrogen shit.
Gimme that good-old-fashioned eyes popping out of the head Sing Sing shit!
Ah, yes: it’s @littlepinkstar in Meyer Girl .
This PERFECT set DID resonate with members (675 likes…a lot for those days), but not enough to get her over the Pink hump.
Regardless, it’s perfect.
If you like your gals a little on the THICK side (yes, ma’am!), then this fleshy dame will be sure to boil your blood.
Just a big fat fucking pair of all-American titties—that’s all I want out of this life.
[as Saddam Hussein said when he was caught surviving on ketchup packets in a hole—just him and a case of Sprite, “I’m willing to negotiate.”]
Lower voltages are better than flatliner sets.
There are lots of sets which don’t even elicit a mention.
Such is not the case with @austyn in her second and final Hopeful set Home Improvement .
This gal really SELLS it.
Check out those MONDO facial expressions.
Ohhhhhh yeahhhhhhhhhhh~~~~~~~~~~~
And it doesn’t hurt that she had urine-colored paint smeared all over her!
Just sayin’.
Although her swan song was a multi, the last (?) solo set @silvia did was Stay on the Line .
This one is über-cinematic.
Like a film noir.
But in garish color.
As if David Lynch had been in charge of mise-en-scène.
Cool shit!
Then we get that bowel-clearing voltage that sent many a man to his maker—a perfect set from @lolitasordid entitled Bath Time in Bubbleopolis .
Of COURSE she was a Hopeful!
Of COURSE she never went Pink!
And of COURSE she never made a second set!
[silly bitch]
Anyhow.
This set is perfect.
No denying it.
She has a rack to launch a thousand ships.
And that Mia Farrow chop from Rosemary’s Baby.
Hell, she even has a bit of that Angelina Jolie vibe from Hackers (not a bad look).
This bitch subjects her ALL-WORLD titties to some packing tape.
Ouch!
I mean…
This is just a super-cool, intimate, UNIQUE set.
And, I mean, HIPS DON’T LIE.
Fucksake!!!
This GODDESS got 208 likes.
I don’t blame the bitch for splitting.
No respect…
[Jesus Christ…is this the longest chapter in the book? Book?!? How many volumes would it take? Rich, Corinthian leather. I could sell ‘em door to door. Fucking encyclopedia!]
If you like Stone Temple Pilots (who doesn’t?!?), you may be predisposed to liking @plush in her debut set Liquid Sky .
The centerpiece of this excellent set is an areola close-up featuring some bronze Montgomery glands TO DIE FOR.
Definitely enough voltage to necessitate a hospital stay!!
Let’s not forget the women bros in the crowd.
Plenty of wide-ons to be had courtesy of models like @creamy in her swan song Romeo .
If you’re really pretty (have no tits and no ass), get lots of shots of your face [thumbs up]).
In lieu of another electrical segue, I present @pinkey in her swan song (?) RE:TURN .
This princess graces a beach like something out of a Mizoguchi film.
Very, very umami!
More power!
[grunt grunt caveman]
I present @dominoe in her swan song (?) Lucy .
GREAT boobs!!
Who cares if they’re not huge?
They’re perfect.
Amazing set.
This lady was hot as fuck.
Next our gauges detect @tiffini in Dear Lover .
Nice to see a SISTA represented here during Black History Month.
[to give you an idea how long these chapters take to write (never mind the research…a separate day in and of itself), I am now on A Tribute to Jack Johnson in Miles’ œuvre]
Ok, gonna crank it up here.
Gotta reanimate my Frankenstein libido.
It’s @opaque in Fiery Eyes .
This positively-NAUGHTY set works off the phenomenon of red hair (natural redhead) catching every luscious ray of light.
Subtle variations.
Pure poetry.
Or maybe it’s because she looks like a fuck doll and there’s a great close-up of her hands.
It’s probably one of those things.
Great set!!
The next “It” girl is @bow in the Huysmans-inspired (?) coup Against the Grain .
À rebours indeed!
This set is a miracle.
I can’t say I’m particularly attracted to Bow.
But she looks like a GODDESS!
Why?
Not least because she chose the Phil Spector of photographers: @p_mod .
By that I mean that P_Mod was the second truly-great photographer in SG history.
First came our Sam Phillips @missy and her work with the Elvis of SG (the site’s first big star) @mary .
But like Phillips, Missy didn’t just direct the artistry on one star’s body of work.
Nay, I’m sure on a rereading of the first 50 chapters I could probably find you a Jerry Lee Lewis and a Johnny Cash as well.
For us boob men, @ember might fill one of those slots.
[huh huh…he said slots]
Slots, not slits.
[oh]
P_Mod has a distinct style.
Very European.
Very French.
But I will leave you to investigate whether that is in fact the case.
I would say that Missy probably has more technical skill in photography than P_Mod.
I see Missy as someone who studied photography (either formally, or as a voracious autodidact).
P_Mod seems self-taught.
Which does not mean his work is not world-class.
In the case of these two photographers, there is one glaring difference: Missy’s portfolio of SG shoots is ENORMOUS compared P_Mod’s.
At least so far.
But keep in mind that I am judging the entire history—the entire INSTITUTION that is Suicide Girls almost strictly on the basis of the sets that are in the SG archives.
I am building a narrative in my head.
Whether that narrative is in any way accurate is another point entirely.
I looked at Bow’s set and thought, “Man. That is some fucking FABULOUS photography!”
I almost didn’t look at the photo credit.
Keep in mind that I have gone through EVERY SINGLE photo set from the first nine years of SG.
But I glanced at the photo credit…
And son of a bitch.
There it was: @p_mod .
Missy is a chameleon.
She can work in many styles.
The mark of her work is extreme QUALITY.
P_Mod has a very distinct style.
It is an “art house” vibe and approach not seen often enough on SG.
All of his work has this similar slant to it.
And let’s not forget.
Sam Phillips ran SUN fucking RECORDS.
So he was by no means just a producer.
Hell, Sam Phillips even helped start the Holiday Inn chain of motels.
Dude was an all-around art-business STUD.
Just like Missy.
I guess I know a little about SG…beyond just the photos.
But not much.
Next we come to an excellent set by @erzsebet called What We Do is Secret .
Check out the Tawny Kitaen hair-flip!
Turn up the Whitesnake!!
Alright, we finally get to a set I tipped.
Shout out to @jacksons who got me to reach deep into my wallet in humble awe.
The set that did it was her swan song (?) Silver Bubbles .
The EPICNESS of the tits here is a HIGH-VOLTAGE affair.
Holy fuck!!!
Coming in with lots of juice as well was @desdemonia in her swan song Underwater Love .
I rate this set very highly primary due to the photography of @sean .
This is an amazing exercise in exquisite color timing.
The bath water is actually blue.
For all eternity.
White shirt.
Wet t-shirt.
Pale skin.
Dark brunette.
Little accents of pink for the nipples (but these are not accentuated).
The star is the bath water.
And in letting a photographic master do his work, the model ends up with a timeless, breathtaking set where she looks like one of Debussy’s sirens.
Also coming in hot as a firecracker on Bastille Day was @radeo in Nocturna Artificiala .
This set is as classy and enigmatic as Weimar Republic works of art such as the Brecht/Weill musical Die Dreigroschenoper and the silent films of Fritz Lang.
Indeed, this is quite a magical set!!
Also strong enough to shock the shit out of you is @minarose in Forbidden Island .
I guess if you’re gonna get a boob job, spare no expense.
Otherwise it’s a bad move for a model.
Fake tits just look absurd to me.
It’s the very rare boob job that’s even passable in my eyes.
Better to just stick with what you’re born with (as far as modeling goes).
That said, Minarose looks super-fucking awesome!!
Also a live wire was @nijichan in Dirty Work .
Check out the Fruity Pebbles shoulder tat!
I love vivid ink!!
An absolute DOLL was @aisline in Sweet World of Angels .
If you got a face like that, you got it made!!
Then we come to the second set of the month by @serene .
Dark Divination succeeds thanks to that little crystal ball and the light it throws across our model’s face.
With a name like @decayingelegance , you better be bringing’ the goods!
And this little lady DOES NOT disappoint.
If you need raccoons in your porn, look here: Cajun Picnic .
Finally we hit lethal perfection again thanks to @kali in Guidelines .
Absolutely astounding breasts!!!
Also very strong was @friskey in Clown .
Great tits and it’s weird.
What more could you ask for!!
Coming in with a solid reading was @praesepe at the End of the Road .
This one registers because of its oddness.
What happened to all the nude shots???
They’re all gone.
Hmmm…
Did she buy back the rights from the site?
Very interesting.
This next one will make smoke come out your ears.
It’s @lissy in Dark Water .
Her only Hopeful set.
And it’s perfect.
Good Lord…
A rack like that and the world is your oyster!
Out-fucking-standing!!!
A strong jolt was felt by @revenge in Comme un Dimanche .
This one is GREAT due to those legs…18 frames from the top.
God DAMN!!
Also shocking at a painfully-pleasurable level was @annalee in La Double vie .
Rather than Kieślowski, this one evokes (to my eyes) the Wajda of Ashes and Diamonds and the Orson Welles of Mr. Arkadin.
And there’s that little crystal ball again.
Turning out M.C. Escher effects and winding up in bellybuttons.
And who was the photographer responsible for this filmic artistry?
Once again, it was @p_mod .
Always at an exceedingly-high level is @sash , and she looks marvelous in Sunset Beach .
Don’t stick your finger in @felonie ‘s socket as she is juiced to charge.
Behold her electromagnetic charms in Trailer Class .
Whether you seek Olde English 800, Natty Light, or that reasonably-priced Bud Light, she has you covered.
She makes sure to pour some for her homies (her melons).
Get an eyeful of a chest covered in malt liquor.
Quite a sight!
And let’s not forget about the generating power of @chunni .
Her debut set, Illumi Naughty , has a great close-up of her satin-covered ass.
Really good shot!
Ok, nine more.
Can we make it???
First is @adalae with her swan song Sunny Side .
This cutie pie gets a mention for those adorable dimples.
Are they pierced?
Kinda hard to tell.
Also very strong was @amielust with some sexy fencing in En garde .
That ass is pretty smokin’-hot!!
Clocking in with a significant reading was @adria in Tits Leather and Gold .
Gotta give this one decent marks because of that clear full-frontal display.
What’s so fucking hard about that?
Why is it in so few sets?
Kinda a silly oversight.
Either you’re gonna get nude (you are), or you aren’t (you are).
Why get in all these ridiculous, contorted positions that hide your tits?
Just makes me instinctively hide my wallet.
This month sadly appears to have been the end of the SG modeling road for @wendy .
Her swan song (?) Lovebird is a very strong way to go out.
To me, it’s a toss-up as to who inherited the Boob Queen title from @mary : @ember , or @wendy .
But I just feel a bit more drawn to Wendy.
And, indeed, these two ladies would get us three-quarters to a Million Dollar Quartet. Wendy could be that wild Jerry Lee Lewis personage. And Ember the mysterious Woman in Black (Johnny Cash). Of course Mary is Elvis.
No offense to Carl Perkins, but just about any old bitch could fill those blue suede shoes.
Five more.
First is @mantaraye .
She sure as shit shoulda gone Pink.
Although her seeming swan song (?) is pretty ridiculous, even its sophomoric propagandizing can’t detract from a once-in-a-lifetime pair of jugs in this perfect set.
Feast your eyes on Reproductive Rights .
All I see is a couple world-class boobs.
Not sure what the political message is.
And I could give a fuck.
Also perfect was @riae in Bridal Dilemma .
Pretty astounding knockers
And lots of “pushy-together” action.
Sweet!!!
Three more.
First is @lelay in Lelay’s Home .
Pretty luscious little hooters!
Taking us out are two excellent sets.
The first is by @aleon .
After the Con is a pretty undeniable set!!
And last, but not least, is the AC/DC goodness that is @demonoflight .
It’s the only Hopeful set she ever made, but Where the Wild Things Are features a gal with a lovely, fair complexion and some really pretty areolæ.
Not at all a bad way to end this month.
Remember kids, safety first.
—Pauly Deathwish
