You might be currently freezing your balls off, but join me on this trip back to the hot August nights of 2009.
It was a good month.
I would call this month a continuation of the Suicide Girls “golden age” which began earlier in 2009.
Kicking off this shimmering month was, ironically, a class BLACK AND WHITE set by the lovely @shotgun entitled Loaded Like a Shotgun .
This one has a little bit of something for everything.
Come for the breasts, stay for the bum.
I think Robert Mapplethorpe would have dug the photographic quality of this one.
Great work!!
Keeping it gold as well was @amorette in Maille .
This one features close-ups of some beautiful pink nipples.
Very good!
Back to the great level was @november13 in Slingin Sushi .
This gal had rock star titties!!
How did she not go Pink?!?
And as great as her rack is, the money shot is the close-up of her bizarre tongue piercings.
Deliciously-lascivious.
The quality stayed very high with @glitch in Lush .
It’s not so much that Glitch was particularly hot, but that she benefited from the expert photography of @lavonne (whose own set we shall get to shortly).
But now we come to a double-shot of perfection.
First is @rigel with iPhone .
Though now ubiquitous, keep in mind that iPhones were quite a new phenomenon in 2009 when this photo set was shot.
The first iPhones debuted in Jan. 2007.
By the time of Rigel’s set, the newest iPhone on the market was the iPhone 3 GS (which had come out just two months prior).
As you might have guessed, this set was shot in 2009 with an unspecified model of iPhone.
And it looks GOOD.
In fact, REALLY GOOD.
GREAT.
But what makes it a perfect set are the heavenly breasts of Rigel.
Shots 23 and 24 are the money shots to me.
A great “push ‘em together” move on 23 and her absolutely ROCKIN midriff in 24 supporting that divine bust.
GOOD LAWD!!!
But we wasn’t done with perfection yet.
Next up was a set I tipped a couple days ago.
Say hello to @ashly in her debut Nothing to Wear .
Is it better than Rigel’s set?
No.
But I like to spread the tip love around.
They are both perfect sets.
And now, as promised, we come to @lavonne .
This gal is really, really, REALLY pretty.
And she has the style in this set to match: great kitty-cat glasses and a svelte hair approach.
But what makes Self a great set is her lovely little set of knockers.
Yowzah!!
Keeping it gold was @kl in Infidelity.
She has a great backside, but I adore the pink nipple close-ups.
Very pretty!
The month was really sustained at this point by a string of good sets.
First was @criss with the HAWT set Back in the Ring .
There’s a pretty nice upskirt of her goodies four from the end, but the winning factor (by decision) in this bout is, for me, her STELLAR legs.
Like a graceful machine.
Sure, they look golden all glazed and glistening in the aforementioned shot, but the shot that really gets me is shot 11.
Something about the backs of knees…
Just ask Roxy in Scott Pilgim.
Criss definitely popped her popliteal fossae in this one!
The golden age meandered along pleasurably with @traciejosephine in the aptly-named Empty House .
Looks like she has a winning pair of jugs, but chose for some reason (shy?) to not really do a single full-frontal nudity shot.
Ah, well.
Still good!
Also good was @lyxzen in Warhol .
This set makes AMAZING use of (presumably Warhol) quotations.
AND the quotes are fielded on colored backgrounds which take us back to Andy’s Factory across from the YMCA.
Furthermore, the quotations play the role of punctuating and dividing this set into vignettes.
REALLY smart.
And smart is sexy!
The next gal made merely one Hopeful set.
It’s @racy speeding away in 55 Chevy Gasser .
Check out the headlights on that hot rod!
Hubba hubba!
Good stuff continued with @opale in Pimp Me .
This crafty (and ingenious) set is like an X-rated version of Pinterest.
Hottest paper doll I ever seen!
Ok, let’s shift back to the higher medal levels.
Coming in at GREAT was @annika with Gold Dust .
This one is glamorous and decadent.
Like a Gustav Klimt painting.
That hairstyle takes us back to the Vienna of Mahler.
Exquisite!!
But let’s take it to the ultimate level.
Medaling with PERFECTION was @lustre in Nurse .
She made four Hopeful sets.
This was the final one before she threw in the towel.
Those ambrosial titties shoulda gone Pink!!!
Not fair.
But we stay up on the medal stand with @atlas for her GREAT set Just Passing Through .
This the kinda gal you marry.
Good gawd!!
A smoldering face you can fall in love with.
Then we come to the mother of all sets.
In what seemed to be almost a second coming of SG’s first superstar @mary , it was @friskey with Road Trip .
This babe had some absolute MOABs on her chest.
YEEZUS!!!
And she got the right effect by having her massive mammaries shot from a low angle.
Orson Welles would have been proud.
After looking though the entire month, I came back and tipped this set.
Because she fucking deserved it.
The next winner was @marianne with Designs on You .
I talk too much about pink nipples.
And not enough about brown nipples.
Dig on those cinnamon areolæ.
The close-up photography is good enough that you can even see some Montgomery tubercles.
Yum!
Also good was @emilyvanhouten in her only Hopeful set I Fought the Law .
This gal was just hot as hell!!
The Louise Brooks hairstyle looks SMASHING on her!!!
What a shame she didn’t stick around.
But I guess the 300 [sic] likes was a kick in the gut.
More good to be had with @vice in Spread .
This one’s for the ass-men.
Check out the tasty bum on that gal!
And golden brown!!
But let’s add some fire.
Melt down this metal.
Standing at the top of the podium was @praesepe with her debut Wine Lips .
Weeping boobs like bells.
Teardrops.
Perfection.
She spent 11 years with SG.
Then severed all ties with the site four years ago.
Shame.
I would have tipped her.
Also on the top step (getting crowded at the gold level) was @violett in Picnic on a Farm .
She made one Hopeful set.
This is it.
Needless to say, she should have gone Pink.
But her set got less than 500 likes (actually a decent number for Hopefuls in those days).
It goes without saying that she should have made more sets.
But I said it anyway.
Black brassiere.
Perfect tits.
Areolas like Modiglianis.
Bloody jaw-dropping!!!
Of course, you can’t tip Hopefuls from the early days of SG if they didn’t go Pink.
So you can’t tip this gal.
Shame.
I would have tipped her too.
Silver ain’t so bad.
Dig on the greatness of @kimey in Its a Fire .
Another Hopeful with areolæ that Amadeo would have given his left nut to paint.
Fucking hell!!
Bronze is precious too.
When you are at the Olympic level of hipster hotness that is Suicide Girls.
Medaling admirably was @nymph in Summer Days .
Another set for the ass men.
Check out that pear.
Astounding!
And we can’t forget @bob who also medaled with What Stays in Vegas .
I’m not a fan of fake tits, but Bob had mad STYLE here.
And with that she won me over.
I think Alan Parsons would dig this one.
Every Alan needs his Eve ;)
Also good were the tandem of @radeo and @rambo .
I hate multi-girl sets because they are usually an excuse for models to be lazy and uncreative, but that’s not the case with California Vacation .
There is true passion here.
Ass grabbing.
Tit grabbing.
And few gals are as extraordinarily-pretty as Miss Rambo.
Props to the fantastic rack on Radeo.
Her tits steal the show in many frames!
Alright, no more fucking around.
Gold medal to @vencenza in her one-and-only Hopeful set Lazy Dayz .
Do I feel ashamed to give top ranking to so many Hopefuls who wrote off the site?
A little.
But perfection is perfection.
It should have been rewarded.
It was not.
Maybe the site would be in a better fiscal position (more money to go ‘round) had SOMEBODY (executives, members…Bueller???) noticed this fucking set (and others like it).
This set has 222 likes after 15 years.
Bitch shoulda put in more work.
One set?!?
Gimme a fuckin’ break!
But again: perfection is perfection.
Looking like Thora Birch in American Beauty, this busty princess ripped it out of the park.
But the stands were empty.
It was during batting practice.
Gotta do it again.
In the 9th inning.
With two outs and two strikes.
One set ain’t enough.
Even so, someone in management shoulda URGED this fucking star to keep at it.
Maybe they did.
Maybe she was just too sensitive to “failure”.
Getting naked and not being validated has got to be one of the most humiliating things in the world (I would imagine).
But remember: Suicide Girls is the true Major Leagues.
Fuck Playboy.
Fuck Penthouse.
Fuck porn.
Fuck TikTok.
Fuck Instagram.
THIS is the place where the hottest betties in the world gravitate.
And for good reason!
Because this place has the HISTORY.
Like CBGB-OMFUG.
This place has the street cred.
Being a Playmate is so passé.
Being a Pet is so cheap.
But being a SUICIDE GIRL is cutting it at the HIGHEST level.
Lemme lay some great on you.
It’s @priscila all alone in Empty Spaces .
Those are some perfect boobs!!
Gawd damn!
Not to be forgotten is @oro in Flesh and Rust .
This photographic masterpiece was shot deftly by @shazzy .
Check out that shot three from the end!
The cinematic quality of this spread is HIGH!!
Also good was @bunni in Dee Ess Eye .
A wonderful high-contrast (crisp, well-lit photography) set featuring a great pair of legs!
Ok, kick it up, Pauly!
[can do, imaginary hype man]
Taking a step higher was @nikoll in To Please .
a BEAUTIFUL girl.
with brown hair.
the kind you wanna get lost in.
like a theater curtain.
like a fragrant forest.
…correspondances…
She was also fit as fuck and had delicious areolas.
Great set!!
Also banking with silver was @toribell in Time Waits for No One .
Redhead with great tits and glossy lipstick.
Photographer (uncredited) knew what the fuck they were doing.
Emphasizing the cool greens of the vegetal backdrop.
Ginger pink and green bean punk playing off one another in color theory mastery.
Coming in at the Corinthian bronze level (not quite silver) was @madison in The Noir Part I .
First of all, I fucking LOVE Madison.
Keep in mind, there are many sets I AM NOT MENTIONING AT ALL.
I’m totally shafting those bitches.
There were 115 sets in August 2009.
Of those, I only mention 43.
More than half of the sets don’t warrant a mention whatsoever.
I give this apologia because it pains me not to kiss the asses of my favorite people.
But I can’t do it.
The idea is to tell the truth.
The truth as I see it.
A completely-biased (yet consistent) truth.
A boob-lovers guide to SG.
Having thus prefaced this set and put it in context, I love it!
This is a very, very good set!!
I like what the photographer was going for.
I’m just not sure they had the tools (skill/equipment) to execute their vision.
Even so, it’s good shit!
Another good set (not as good as Madison’s) is Geek Chic starring @marienkaefer .
Pretty girl with a big schnoz (sexy!) and natural fun bags.
I dig the glasses too.
But she spends too much time in this set upside-down.
Bronze medal.
More of that beautiful bronze (don’t knock it).
It’s @casino cashing in her chips (?) with Pussy Cat .
Maybe she’ll make a comeback.
But this was this most recent set she’s done.
15 years ago.
And it’s a good one!
Really good!!
I dig the photography by @alissa .
My favorite shot is # 18.
Taking two steps like Lynyrd Skynyrd was @doshi in I Love Strip Tennis .
If you liked Lacey Underall in Caddyshack, you’ll love this one!
Nice honkers!!
[if only she hadn’t gotten the lyric wrong and, rather, taken the additional step]
Also lined with silver was the three-girl multi Absinthe .
This set featured green fairies @nya , @posh , and @zoli .
Zoli’s tits took this to the next level for me.
What can I say.
Men are animals.
If I put you in the bronze category, it means you share a substance with Rodin’s Thinker.
No small potatoes.
Bronzed as fuck was @stigeus sitting In the Chair .
This quintessential Suicide Girl (jet-black hair, killer tats…) deserved better from SG.
I mean, she had a decent pair of tits on her.
And, in general, she was hot as fuck.
But she didn’t help her case by making only one set.
Oh well.
C’est la vie.
Rising to a higher plateau were @georgia and @milloux in Temptation .
Shot # 8 is my favorite.
Great set!!
Three bronzes and a silver to end it out.
Getting on the platform was @rese in The Fairest .
This gal was pretty smokin’.
Some generous handfuls on Mammary Ln.
And a nice pair of legs!
A one-and-done Hopeful.
[sigh]
Also cast like a French sculpture was @naruka in Purest Feeling .
This one is a feast of rump roast for the ass men (and butt ladies) out there.
Get a load of that luscious booty!
Ok, the final silver of the month goes to @zemotion for, sadly, her final set.
But what a Sweet Split Up it was!!
This gal was special.
Like she was chiseled out of marble.
Smooth and flawless form.
Firm.
Formidable!!
And finally, this most enjoyable month comes to end with a wholly-respectable bronze medal to @annalee .
Shot by the second great photographer in SG history (@p_mod ) [#1 is @missy ], Annalee looks quite exquisite in Pavan .
As a pale redhead, she made a wise color-theory choice going with the traditional green ink for her tattoos.
White-girl skin is pink.
Ginger hair tends towards pink.
Orange.
Strawberry.
Pale skin.
Dark tats.
Luminous hair.
Unfortunately, this set doesn’t break much new ground.
I like obtuse photo shoots as much as anyone (probably more), but this set feels off (which is why it’s only bronze).
Perhaps the model and photographer did not click.
Perhaps the location (a corn field?) was not thought out very carefully.
In any case, this is not a particularly-inspired set.
But it’s good.
It medals.
See you again in four years.
—Pauly Deathwish
