Here’s where things get weird.
And fun.
October 2007 was when the mother lode of unholy awe dropped on SG.
But before we get to that exceedingly-controversial (and hilarious) set, let’s have some titillation, shall we?
I really admire the creativity of @maiwan in her very strong set Tear My Heart Out .
This set has a very coherent philosophical message (even if it is open for interpretation).
The heart is evocative above all things.
And life sometimes demands of art real tears (and real blood).
And I continue writing this history For the Dreamers that remain.
Good Lord, @riae mesmerizes in this set!!
Gives me shivers.
Frisson.
So good!
But I really also relate to @merlina in Softy .
An absolute nuke of a set!!
This one really sets me reeling…
Do you wanna see a REALLY pretty girl?
Check out @helllover in Deserted Room .
A face worthy of an ivory cameo.
And try to D-I-V-O-R-C-E yourself from the gaze of @beau in Secret .
Damn-near impossible!
You know, some gals only made one set.
Like the Sex Pistols.
Or Young Marble Giants.
But that was all they needed.
…and they didn’t walk away from the site.
Gaze upon the beautiful @jett in Red Carpet .
Ok, let’s kick things up a notch, shall we?
Experience @cain in Vintage Lovely .
Holy fuck nuts.
God damn.
That’s some good shit!!
But we can’t hang @lillie_ Out to Dry .
So check her out.
Pretty fucking magnificent!
Ok, here’s a gal who shoulda gone Pink (and instead was almost completely ignored).
I am speaking of the tulip on two legs @veal as evinced in her set Barn .
That set is totally fucking special.
And yet zero.
Zip.
Zilch.
Nada.
[a light chicken gravy]
But my lumpy train rolls on…
To a truly exceptional set:
@pennyf in Shoes and Shadows .
This gal could have modeled anywhere.
Could have been Playmate of the Year (is that a thing?).
And yet the Suicide Girls clientele at the time turned their noses up at this beauty with an OUTSTANDING rack.
What a shame.
Kinda pisses me off, to be honest.
But the market knows best, right?
And we are the market.
It’s not what Pauly Deathwish wants, but what the community wants.
It’s not what @bob_dylan wants, but what the community wants.
People come to SG to see the Suicide Girls brand.
Maybe she didn’t have enough tattoos?
Or piercings?
Maybe her hair wasn’t blue or green enough?
At any rate, she was not chosen.
Commerce is vicious.
And here we are on the precipice—straddling two chasms:
on the one side, that in which women are objectified PRODUCTS (reification)
and
the other, in which woman are free to express their sexuality—free to get naked (while still retaining their personality and dignity and humanity).
SG is very much the latter.
Occasionally some bloke will wander onto a live stream and bluntly type “show your tits”.
Or “show your ass”.
Ok, more than occasionally.
More like ALL THE FUCKING TIME.
But the rest of us in the SG community try to teach our blunt brethren that the girls at SG are SPECIAL (and they truly are).
A perfect example of this is @cherish in Stars Flowers Cherries .
This is the kind of hipster gal I was salivating over in Austin, Texas circa 2007.
Ok, but, can we kick it?
Up another notch?
Yes, we can.
No one captures female beauty like @missy .
Need a masterpiece?
Well, I’m glad you asked.
Because Mesh by @seraphim is just that sort of creation.
Modigliani would have given his left nut to have painted this gal.
When the breasts hang like teardrops, I’m in!!
Need a truly cute, adorable gal with great hair?
Try @boxcarxo in Flawless Taste .
Such a milky dame…
It doesn’t matter that she has small tits.
That face!
And such a gorgeous, taut body.
Sign me up!
Too much nature for sex on the beach.
You’re liable to get sand in your vagina!
But tits on the beach?
Yes, please.
Thank you, @weirjf , for pulling out those milkers and taking a stab at SG stardom in Castaway .
I’m sorry it didn’t pan out.
I hope you are doing well.
Let me emphasize how important GOOD LIGHTING is in the success of an SG set.
White girls.
Listen up.
If you are pale (I love it!), you gotta have some contrast.
Black hair is a GREAT look if you are one of the pasty queens stealing my heart.
And make sure to BLAST THE FUCK outta that lighting.
Like @sphinx in Sphinx: Waters of Nazareth .
[BTW, bright lights work really well for the sistas too! lighting people…get that skin to shine. It’s a magical effect that white people cannot pull off.]
Ok, ass men.
Thank you for waiting patiently.
Gawk @dot in Writhing .
Fourth shot from the end.
You’re welcome.
A set that had MAGICAL tits AND ass was Ranieoutside the Box [sic] by @ranie .
I wonder if she got pink-slipped (wait, wouldn’t that be a promotion at SG?) by the grammar Nazis?
At any rate, she glittered like gold.
Or silver.
And this little-known set is a gem!
Heads up!
Here comes one of those ship-launching faces!
It’s @micheleshell in It’s Electric .
I mean…
That is a FACE.
Sure, she skinny and what not.
But it don’t matter.
You got a face like that, and the world’s your oyster.
Now for an absolute MASTERPIECE of INTELLECT (which was, of course, almost totally overlooked when it dropped).
Say hello (again) to @lolapuig in the MoMA-worthy Bubble Party .
Kinda gives me a de Chirico vibe.
The mise-en-scène is exquisite!!
Who’s your favorite Beatle?
I’m leaning towards @ringo after her sensational set What a Dish .
Tell me moar! Tell me moar!
And we can’t forget those vibrant-pink areolas of @ay in Videogirl .
I think Gauguin would have painted her nicely.
Ok, let’s get serious.
Try to crack the code of @verona ‘s beauty in Haunted Hoochie .
I would totally let her punch me in the face with those jugs…
Likewise, check out naughty, bespectacled secretary @voss in A Room With a View .
Looks like she damn-near went pink.
But, alas…Lewinsky-but-no-cigar.
Ok, I need great.
Good won’t cut it.
Which is why @clio hits the spot with Loves You To Death .
Tits as big as your head, Dude.
The farmer’s market is OP-EN.
Now for the type of beauty that makes you wanna weep and write poetry.
The type of gal for whom you’d move mountain and sea.
I speak of none other than the ASTONISHING @jaeci in her sexual treatise Deeper Themes for Speculation .
I need Rodin to sculpt me right now!
Because my head is in my hands at this princess from another planet.
Jaeci.
Jesus H. Christ.
So fucking beautiful!
What could possibly top that?
Give @jezabel an attempt in the mind-shattering Sake Bar .
That hair!!
Give me Edward Hopper to paint this champagne castle that is Jezabel and I will be contented.
Ok, now for the fuckery.
IF YOU HAVE A BONER (or a wide-on), DO NOT PROCEED PAST THIS POINT.
Ok, I’ve warned you.
Your penis is about to make a trombone-like sound.
ALL HAIL THE MAJESTY THAT IS @tooty in Mystery Lady .
There may be nothing I can say about this set that is not said in the 295 (!) comments she (?) got on this set.
I would click on it to refresh my memory of its horrors, but I just ate.
Aw, hell…
It’s my job.
Ok.
There is only one artist to capture the vibe of this set.
Picasso.
Or maybe de Kooning.
She had a lovely smile?
Usually Russ Meyer would have the men be the square-jawed ones.
Tooty would be like kryptonite to Russ.
People assume that Tooty’s set is a joke.
If Tooty were a comedian, she would be Andy Kaufman.
No one can tell when she is being serious and when she is kidding (if at all).
Tooty is the mystery of life.
Perhaps God is a comedian.
And we are the joke.
Tooty changes shapes.
She changes sizes.
It’s as if a camera cannot capture her.
She smiles like a psychopath.
And there is something endearing about that.
She’s just trying to be sexy, y’all!!!
Her head often becomes too big for her body.
It’s not permanent.
It will shrink back down in the next photo.
Or the one after that.
Tooty is fierce.
Perhaps she has had a hard life.
Who’s to say that she shouldn’t be a Suicide Girl?
Why didn’t she go P…
No, I can’t.
Sorry, Tooty.
It’s just not working out.
Your submission is greatly-appreciated.
Tooty is from the museum of mankind.
Breton is in awe.
Kahlo is a total fucking fox by comparison.
Gimme dat unibrow 24/7.
Please, Tooty, don’t hurt ‘em.
They know not what they do.
We all have talents.
Conventional beauty is not one of Tooty’s talents.
She was the Willam Hung of SG.
A true outsider.
And in that, I admire her.
Who is she?
What was she?
Was she even an actual person???
She really does have a wonderful smile.
This is not (in case anyone’s wondering) a deep fake.
If it is, at all, fake (certainly manipulated), it is a shallow fake of the most ham-fisted variety.
But maybe she had a friend.
And the friend had a very old computer.
And they made her beautiful.
They were hiding something.
And that’s…ok.
Tooty is good enough.
She’s smart enough.
And, doggone it, people…mostly don’t like her.
But that’s because they are judging her as a product.
As a reified female.
And under such scrutiny, she doesn’t cut it.
Which is why Tooty’s set is so important.
A total muthafuckin’ CLOCK-CLEANER.
If you looked at every picture of that set (as I did), I salute you, comrade!!!
You have EARNED the privilege to now gaze upon @bekka in Red Violin .
Thank the Lord!!!
And how about @cori in Post Meridiem ?
Hallelujah!!!
Praise Jesus!!!
There ain’t no atheists in the Tooty foxhole.
We almost died back there, friend.
Ok, one more, and I am off to the chapel to pray.
Don’t ever take an average SG set for granted.
I hear Tooty still haunts these halls.
And her wrath is reserved for the shallow pricks who type “show ass/tits” on live streams.
First of all, motherfucker, you gotta TIP the bitch.
Then MAYBE she’ll think about getting naked for your sorry ass.
Like a hipster diner.
The customer comes last.
The EMPLOYEE is ALWAYS RIGHT (dickhead!).
Suicide Girls is different.
You wanted something different?
Edgy?
Well, this is both.
Ok, one more God-blessed set to rinse the Tooty out of my soul.
[N.B. You can’t UNSEE Tooty]
Praise God in Heaven for the titties of @sooniamai in Queen of Darkness .
I will never drink again.
I will never drink again.
I will never…Guinness???
—Pauly Deathwish
