Let me explain my main purpose in writing this very subjective “history” of Suicide Girls.
It is to LEARN about SG.
I had been on SG for about three years, but when I started looking back into the archives occasionally (out of curiosity) I was amazed to find that I HAD NO IDEA WHO 99% OF THE MODELS WERE.
I had always heard ABOUT Suicide Girls, but I didn’t know anything about any of the specific models. And, sadly, a lot of the ladies from the earliest days are not still making very many sets (if any).
So another reason for this “history” is to educate the dumbasses.
I am a dumbass.
Are you also a dumbass?
Good.
Let’s learn together.
These ladies deserve our respect.
Because their hard work and trailblazing spirit laid the groundwork for the thriving site which we all still enjoy today.
I’m going to try a slightly different writing method today.
As one of my music composition professors emphasized years ago (to paraphrase), “the best way to learn about symphonies is to write one”.
I think the same applies to histories.
I’ve never written a history before.
It’s hard to do.
I’m trying NOT to focus so much on dates.
I’m trying to make it FUN.
It would seem to me that the best way to learn about Suicide Girls and its historical development would be to look at EVERY FUCKING SET THAT HAS EVER BEEN ON HERE.
[or at least every set that is still in the archives]
And that is exactly what I’m doing.
It’s daunting, but enjoyable!
February 2006 started pretty fucking strongly!
Check out @anarchie In the UK .
One of my favorite songs ever.
And this gal comes out rocking some fabulous titties along with a bandolier.
Hard to beat that!
I gotta hand it to @lillithvain .
Her set Psychological Prisoner is a very elaborate and sophisticated set.
The cinematic quality of this one must be seen to be believed.
Highly-original!!
But things really get going in this era (for me) with @lolo in Serene .
Here is a model to truly watch!
And totally my type: pale, dark hair, and huge breasts.
Great set!!
How about some beautiful colors?
We appreciate pink nipples very much throughout this history, but what about slightly-darker (dare I say…orange?) nipples?
Check out the gorgeous @calamity in Knitter .
The reason this set works so well (to me) is the complementary colors of blue and orange.
Blue sweater.
Orange nipples.
I think Gauguin would have liked this one.
But holy fucking shit…I was not ready for the awesomeness of @kamikaze in 99 Red Balloons .
God damn.
This is a dream in flesh.
Like a my bloody valentine song.
The images swirl and disorient.
And then, through the haze, we see the most wonderful breasts…
I really adore this set.
I cannot praise it enough!!!
But @asterlee chimes in with a set JUST AS PERFECT in Indian Summer ?!?
Holy crap!
That was two days in a row on SG with earthshattering titillation!!
Good gawd!!!
Also not too fucking bad was @sheena with Tropical Morning .
Massive mammaries?
Check!
Pretty astounding set!!
But then we come to the mother of all kink masterpieces: Candy Darling by @manko .
First you start with the Warhol name.
But here’s where it goes BEYOND anything Warhol ever did.
Manko eats a shitload of candy.
Then she pukes it up in a bowl.
If that’s your kink, you will NOT be disappointed with this naughty, naughty, fucked-up set.
To me, it’s a god-damned masterpiece.
Essential viewing.
How about some lovely @missy photography?
Check out her artistic skills at work in the light and shadow of In the Spotlight .
It always helps to have a great model like @yuki !
March 2006 started off with a great pair of boobs.
Check out @bowie in Night Clubbing .
Pretty fucking fantastic!
I really dig @raquel in The Animal Party .
A very warm color tone.
Psychedelic vibe.
Lots of little bits of color.
And orange nipples again?
I love the nipple close-up.
Great shot!
Georges Seurat would have loved this one…
But holy god damn you gotta see the beauty of @letitia in To Know You .
That face!
An “it girl” face.
A nice bright red shade of lipstick.
And beautiful pink nipples.
If you like great noses (I mean really big honkers), then you will love @dido in All Laced Up .
I like a good nose.
But it’s gotta be BIG.
Big noses have character.
I fucking love ‘em!
How about some beautiful long hair parted in the middle??
Then you will want to see the stunning @saffron (my favorite spice) in Pink Panther (my favorite film franchise [the Peter Sellers era]).
What a breathtaking lady!
How about some crystal-clear radiance?
Check out @electro in Lazy Maid .
Great job by the very talented @albertine on the photography here!!
More art—> check out @granny in High Demand .
This one almost has a David Lynch vibe to it.
It’s kinda hard to figure out what exactly is going on.
Like Mulholland Dr.
Or The Big Sleep.
Dig the color contrast between her green eye shadow and the red strawberries of the cake.
The close-up 20 shots from the end is my favorite.
Her taking a big bite of cake.
The colors popping and clashing.
Well-done!!
If you need a stunner, check out the face and tits on @palo in Break Here .
Pretty mind-blowing.
How about a really fit gal with a GREAT figure?
You will wanna see @ana in Water Service .
That’s a SERIOUS model body right there!
Or Olympian body!!
How about some adorable?
Check out @helena in Goldilocks .
All of the colors work well together in this one—like a nice, bright hug of freshness.
Soft, but clear.
Need an amazing crotch shot?
Dig the cute, trimmed bush of @fatality in Wine Sports .
Nice close-up with the garter belts!!
Now for a set BURSTING with life:
St Patricks Alley starring the bodacious, voluptuous @chloe .
Wowza!!!
Why does this set work so well?
BECAUSE SHE GETS RIGHT UP CLOSE TO THE FUCKING CAMERA WITH A TON OF CONFIDENCE!!!
THAT’s how you get 3000-4000 likes on a set.
Make love to that fucking camera.
Show off your best parts.
Kinda like a singer with a microphone.
You gotta PRACTICE.
You gotta have a FEEL for how close you need to be to that sucker.
If you’re far away, nobody can tell what you’re showing off (lest they whip out ye olde magnifying glass).
Is there such a thing as getting TOO CLOSE to the camera?
Probably.
But I don’t think I’ve ever seen such a thing on Suicide Girls.
Which would lead me, if I were a model, to err on the side of being TOO CLOSE to the camera (rather than the opposite).
What connects a model/lens singer/microphone with their audience?
Intimacy.
Vulnerability.
You gotta fucking GO FOR IT.
Chloe went for it.
And she hit the jackpot.
BTW, it bears mentioning that this set was shot by the incomparable @missy .
Which is to say, the model AND camera can move.
Wanna make your models look great, photographers?
Get up in their grill!
Telephoto that motherfucker!!
No time to be shy.
I am resolute in this: CLOSE-UPs can make or break an SG set.
No close-ups?
Probably a lot of strained eyes and slightly-disappointed viewers.
One good close-up?
That can make or break a set.
It breaks up the monotony of long shots.
We get it.
She has a great body.
But the CAMERA must make love to the model (in a weird sort of way).
The PHOTOGRAPHER must KNOW why their model is SPECIAL.
EVERY model is special.
A good set is like a sincere caricature.
EMPHASIZE what makes her HER.
How ‘bout something modern and svelte?
Check out @lemorta in Countess .
I think Fritz Lang would have liked this one.
Also a Nurse With Wound vibe about Lemorta’s wonderful set. Stewardess from the future.
Alright.
How are a pretty god-damned masterful set from @brooklyn ?
Check out Valley of the Dolls .
Great legs.
Great ink.
Wonderful colors.
Lascivious posing.
Salacious-yet-classy modeling.
This is a super-fine photo spread!!
For a very notable pair of knockers, check out @darbot in The Two Bows .
The sets by Manko and Brooklyn both fetishize pills.
I got no problem with that.
#MakeMedicineFunAgain
We get more of that in Justify My Love by (wait for it) @pill .
She bites into a fake-blood capsule (a pill-shaped thing [+ her name]) and all hell breaks loose.
This set takes on the bizarre artistry of Godard’s Le Mépris.
Formidable photography by @albertine once again!!
[N.B. Upon closer inspection, it appears that there is no pill (other than the model’s name). The substance at work is not fake blood, but some sort of magenta paint which she sips out of a chalice.]
Be sure to check out @lotus in Get Away House .
This lady truly had some special breasts.
Delightful!
Finishing strong, I leave you with Pearls by @princess .
This set was apparently shot by Biden’s press secretary :)
Someone needs to ask K.J.P. about this. Stat!
—Pauly Deathwish
