So its been over a month now since my father passed away... i been feeling really down, sad, and depressed lately. i try not to show it, and try not to talk about it, b/c i don't want to bring people down. But, i usually don't remember what i be dreaming about. usually my dreams i forget when i wake up.. only time i can remember my dreams, is when its about something specific (like money or dating someone for examples) or someone I've lost.. But yeah, usually i will dream of my dog (had her for 15 yrs, was my best friend growing up b/c we moved a lot and didn't have much friends, except for some church friends from youth group) But yeah, lately i been feeling so dam down, very lonely too.. Idk if its b/c i been feeling depressed but oddly i had a dream of my father. we was in a fast food restaurant, like Wendy's, or MC Donald's not sure but it was a fast food place like that.. but i don't remember the rest of the dream, i just remember waking up.. idk i wonder if its my memories, coming to me as dreams. like i think it was a Wendy's because i remember once after fishing we went to Wendy's to eat, and i remember this day because he told me something funny that i would never forget. i wonder, if it is my mind, trying to "heal" itself from feeling so sad lately. i just been dwelling on it lately, how i lost my dog, then a couple years later my grandmother, and couple yrs from losing her, i lose my father. then what makes me feel worse is, i didn't see them, till there funerals. that is what is eating at me the most... i last seen my grandmother 9 days b4 she passed away, the last day i seen her alive she seemed fine and seemed like she was gonna be ok, and i stayed and visited her for about an hour b/c i was in a rush to go see my connect to reup. 9 days later, i woke up and was rolling up and got the call that she passed away. Then with my father, i hadn't seen him in 2 yrs. not b/c i was mad or anything like that, but b/c i'm in mass and he was in CT and i didn't have a car, but now that i look back i felt like i should of made some kind of effort to go take a bus or train to go visit him, instead i chosed to sit around, playing games and smoking. So i have all of this stuff trapped in my head, and truth be told it i fucking hate it. hate feeling this way.. took me a good year and a half b4 i finally wasn't feeling down and sad about my grandmother passing, and then my father passes away. So of course, all those feeling of losing my dog, losing my grandmother, is just all back and in my head, and it just sucks. I miss em all. i'll always will remember them. but i just hate the feeling of being sad and depressed. it also makes that feeling of being sad and depressed when i dwell on, i should of visited them, i should of acted sooner, but its all too late now. i try to chat with people.. chatting with people is a HUGE distraction to me being sad and depressed.. usually ill smoke when i'm depressed and sad but im all out and so i'm just sad, and with no one to chat with i just feel so lonely in this world. And i don't mean any specific type of chat, just someone to chat with, doesn't matter the subject. Heck I've listened to other peoples problems and tried to give them strength, even if i am weak, helping others feel better, is a distraction to how i feel myself. i really don't regret the choices I've made in my life... but honestly, the only things i do regret is not acting sooner, on visiting my grandmother, like i think about it, and i wonder what if in those last 9 days she wanted to see me? if she did, i failed b.c i didn't make the effort. i thought, she was gonna recover like she did in the past. shit, thinking about it right now as i right this, brings tears. i also regret not acting sooner on making a effort to go see my father, we talked about going fishing in 2014 for the 2015 summer, but summer came and gone and i didn't try to make plans, or anything, in fact, i was waiting till my graduation day to talk to him about going fishing after my graduation but he passed 2 months b4 my graduation day, and it sucks because i really wanted my father to be there. all these things are just stuck in my head, dwelling on it, thinking of what i should of done. But yeah, its too late now. Now i get to suffer and think about the things, i should of done, wished I've done, but didn't do. i wish these feelings would just go away, but i know they never will, they will always be around. i just try my best to suppress these depressed and sad feelings, but after losing my father, those feelings came back and worse and it is being much more difficult to suppress these feelings. But yeah, that was my dream and is how i feel. I apologize for the big blog. it was sopose to only be about my dream, but i'm feeling the way that i am and i just started to type and my mind took over my hands, and well my blog is the result of it... Thank You to those who will take there time to read this blog. i know its long, but yeah a lot on my mind, and i mean a lot.
Sincerely, BluntMan420