bluestreak

what a fcking shitty week. i feel like i'm falling apart. i djed tonight and it should have gone really well but instead i was twitching and freaking out and just had to get out. i'm trying not to drink at the moment so i couldn't even just drink my way through it. i was getting paranoid and shaky. one of my friends is over from the states and its her last night tonight and i just had to get out even though i really want to hang around with her. some drunk girls were talking to us, and one was chatting me up and though normally i'd have been dead chuffed this time it only made me worse. i had to get out. i was shaking so bad i couldn't even piss straight. now i'm sitting at home, having paid for a cab that i can't afford and i'm on my own and i just want my brain to stop. i can't cope with this or me anymore. i don't think i'm fixable, i don't think i'm sane, and i don't think that there is any hope for me. i wish i was stronger so i could either pick myself and and get on with it or just kill myself or develop the sort of drug habit where nothing else matters but i'm not willing to do either of them and i'm stuck in the middle waiting for some sort of salvation that isn't coming.