blueleftshoe

Cutting your own hair is always such a strange feeling for me. I always feel anxious when I decide to do it I hold the scissors up to my hair going against what I've always been told. I remember getting in trouble for trimming my hair once with saftey scissors when i was about 5 well I trimmed the cat as well I guess they do need whiskers. Anyways I felt i was in need of a little trim so I got some of the back and sides hacked off. There is still that voice that says i have too look perfect I cant have hacked up uneven hair but really why? Perfection or the quest for it is so overrated I don't see enough people seeking out failure or imperfection makes no sense really since those are actually attainable goals while perfection well you could waste your whole life trying for that. I suppose that is my whole quest in life trying to become comfortable in my quest not to be perfect I just want to enjoy life in all it's unholy imperfections. I want my fuck ups to mean something to have something I can take from them and enjoy. I don't want to be rich I don't want to be famous I don't want to be pretty I don't want to be the most popular. Perhaps it's just the fucked up things in life that sort of sing to me that I can understand rather than the perfect plastic existance that is what we're taught to strive for... i mean we're taught that grades matter most in school why? Well because we have to get into the best schools to make the most money Why? Because if we have the most money then we can have the most belongings why? Because the more belongings and possions we have as oppossed to others is where our self worth lies why? hell if I know I keep going through this whole thought process. You'd think growing up as a kid we'd be taught that learning is the most important thing out there rather than getting on the honor roll or getting a 4.0 average in college. I've seen so many people stress and go to shit because of all this I want to tell them what the fuck does it matter you're just killing yourself but the thought is already so ingrained in them that you can't detour them from this thought process. I for one would be much happier living a "poor" life where I could experience and develop much more inside rather than owning a Hummer or having the coolest new techinical device because those things just don't really develope anything in you but a feeling of needing more always and always more. How did a talk about cutting my own hair develop into this? Well I guess just doing what I want when I want despite what is expected. I don't care if it's uneven I don't care if it's not perfect I like the chaos that might result because of my decision and knowing that it won't affect my being as a person. I'm trying to develop a comfort with my imperfection I guess maybe that's my biggest goal in life to accept the imperfect and learn from it. It's often caught up in the struggle with the feeling I need to be something to please someone else.

Yesterday I wasn't feeling good I wasn't really able to pinpoint why. I suppose part of it is struggling with understanding what my feelings are doing. A part of me just wants to go discover a new world instead of just finding comfort in the one I'm existing in now. Things with Lisa is progressing nice she's a nice sweet girl but I still have this doubt in my head that it's the one. Perhaps I put too much thought into it things aren't too serious yet and I should just enjoy what is without over thinking it all. I try to go with it but I don't want to hurt anyone along the way but I suppose you can't avoid it entirely as long as you're truthful as possible. I have a need to explore and discover constantly I think for anyone I'm really going to tie myself to I need one that will do this... I hope she's like that. One thing I know is I can't settle for things outside of what I need or be someone I'm not it never works and I just end up getting more depressed.







This morning/afternoon I just really liked this song I was looking for one that would speak like I'd like to.

Seas Too Far To Reach by Okkervil River

I don't understand the guilt associated with things I like. Such as I like to drink but part of me feels bad for this as if saying it makes me a bad person. I guess most people associate the liking to drink or for those who do them drugs with addiction which it's not. Drinking makes me feel good so I do it. The same with sex saying you like it or enjoy it sort of leaves a feeling of guilt. Somehow there is a feeling of being perverse in saying I like fucking people think you're some kind of whore. Perhaps these feeling are in my head but I know some people look at you odd when you say you like these things. Yeah I like booze and boobs so what I don't know why I feel guilt over it at times I'm trying to move past guilt well except for that which I think you should as long as you're not hurting anyone I think you shouldn't feel guilt. Sex and booze are good things which make me feel good so why not as long as I don't abuse them.