blubberkunt

Soo, Im having a really deep mood moment. I've been sitting on my couch all morning watching MTV and wallowing in my own self-pity. I guess I've been having a rough couple of weeks on the relationship side of things.

It's not that things arnt absolutely wonderful and perfect, because they are. It's just that I'm always so insecure on my part. I never know really how to outright say this to Josh, but Im so scared every second. Especially when other girls come into the picture.

I guess it's not an out-of-ordinary thing, to be jealous of your Boyfriend hanging out or being around other girls, because it's not. It's just the extent that I take it to is ridiculous.

It's not that I don't trust Josh, because I do. It's just the fact that I'm always so scared of losing him to someone better. Because in my mine, practically EVERYONE is better than me. I can find all the good qualities in a girl and magnify them by a thousand. I always assume that he finds the girls prettier than me, or that he will get big fat crushes on them (and not tell me), or that one day..he will just up and leave me for someone.

It's crazy living like that everyday, and too see comments or messages or somthing from girls that I know he's had a past with. It just, irks me. I don't want to come off as a big bitch to everyone, because that's not it at all. It's entirely my insecurties with myself. It sucks.

I always think the world is prettier than me, better acting then me, funnier than me, just all around way better than anything I could ever be.

I just want that feeling of being loved and being content with it. Knowing that Im loved, and that Im better, and that no matter what Josh is going to be thinking of me, even if he's in a room filled to the ceiling with naked porn stars. Not that he would ever be in that situation mind you.

I belittle myself so much that I feel like a three week old banana peel or somthing.

But , as I ventured into my bathroom, I stopped and looked in the mirror. I havnt touched anything on me since I woke up, so my hair wasnt perfect and my makeup was slept-in smudge. But I saw somthing I suppose. I am pretty, and I do feel pretty, and I AM good inside, Im funny and Im kind..and I care about everything, even if Im not supposed to. Im compassionate and serious, yet I can be immature and crazy. But I'm not a three week old banana peel, Im far from it. I'm my own elegant woman, all wrapped up neatly and nicely like a christmas package.

This is what I want Josh to see, it's what I hope Josh sees. But when I think like that, it all shrinks away again and Im left wondering what will happen to my relationship..I guess it's a constant cycle of sorts.

I guess I've come to the conclusion that I am all of those things that I pick out of other girls. All of those things are in me, Im as good as they are. And, I guess somewhere in me I want to say that if Josh picks that over me, then ... I can't feel bad for myself, because it's not my fault. Im as amazing as anyone , and if he cant see that, then it's his own fault. Not mine.

But if I can say this inside..why can't I express it? Why can't I be ok with everything, and just get over the fact? Why cant I just proudly state 'Josh loves me and we are going to be together forever, duh'. Are my answers that unsure?

I'll find out I guess , someday. But until then. I'll go back and forth between being a strong confident woman, and a nasty three week old banana peel.

xx