blossy

I have to stop a certain strain of behavior that I have always fallen victim to. I am so desperate for people to like me, to want to be around me, to want me in their lives that I have exhibited some pretty shitty behavior such as lying. Along with this goes the fact that, when I truly have fallen out of favour with them I prostrate myself and then become their doormat. I take it all because I feel that if I don't I am not being a good person, I am not being a good friend. I am not proving to them that I want them in my life. I have to be stronger than that to be seen as worthy of their friendship and their presence in my life. I went through this with my husband after he left and my ex girlfriend Ali. I fought, in both instances, so hard for what I did not want that in the end my husband came back to me when we should have gotten a divorice in the first place. I then, held on to Ali for 5 months after our break up because I was too stupid to see that she was not what I really wanted. I should have walked away from our relationship which lasted all of three and a half months and healed from that and moved on. I also had her mother's influence in our break up, daily texts, calls, reminders, to hold on to the idea of a future with her daughter because I was her daughter's future. If I got down and thought that Ali didn't care, her mother was always there to encourage me in my fight for her daughter's heart. She was there to tell me all about how much Ali loved me and how her face changed when she looked at me or I looked at her (it was not true). No matter how badly their behaviour messed with my head I spent months believing their manipulations, looking at houses with Ali, homes that I knew were not ever going to be mine.

I cut these two women out of my life and I felt guilty over not remaining friends for awhile, but I know for certain and have since I made that decision that it was the best thing for me. I didn't cut them out by myself, I did have the help of an amazing woman when it came to truly seeing what they were doing to me and all aspects of my life.

This process is about proving to myself that I can and will be a better person than who I am today and that today I am a better person than I was at this time last week. I need to also find a healthy balance between the me that wants so hard to just sit back and desperately beg for friendship and the part of me that wants to do for me. I see it as pride, I'm not good at differentiating between good pride and bad pride. I should have pride in my self worth as a human being, we all have flaws, I am NOT the sum of my flaws. It just feels wrong to be proud in any way when I have done so much wrong. This is what the Catholic church would call "scruples" it is supposedly the devil making me think that any sort of pride is bad. I need to reign in my human guilt and take my conscience into consideration. Am I wrong to be proud of my progress? I think not, however I do need to acknowledge that I am nowhere NEAR the person I want me to be and I HAVE to continue fighting for that.

I am struggling hard to be the person I am meant to be, the person I WANT me to be. With this comes the fact that I have to remember I have apologized profusely and I mean it from the bottom of my heart. I told the truth to everyone here on SG and others in my life so that I could change for me. So that I could be better and not still live with that sickness in my soul that was dragging me down and devaluing the people around me whom I do cherish.

It isn't easy, this process isn't painless and it isn't going to be over quickly. I will have to struggle through my massive amounts of foolish pride for the rest of my life. This change is so hard right now because I have to see that I am not being proud when I do things my way for myself. I have to give myself the right balance between accepting the blame and the fault and recognizing that being weak and spineless is only going to make me undesirable even as a friend.