Ever been so happy that you don't know whether or not you should be basking in the glow or trying to stay one step ahead because it feels too good to be true? I'm experiencing that right now. I told you all about the pretty lady in my last blog and now I am going to tell you all about my insecurities.
I am afraid that since I am a bigger lady, but because of my webcam have all sorts of myspace angle photos she won't necessarily like what she sees when she sees all of me. Granted, she's friends with me on facebook and can see the photos of me when I was bigger than I am now so it's not as if I am hiding myself from her at all. I also know that in my last blog I was drunk and having a conversation with my husband and we were talking about another friend who moved to Colorado and I was blogging about my lady friend and some of what I said in there was part of our conversation lol. (Hey, I was drunk). I have since fixed it. I've never seen her on a webcam even, just via pictures and we text all the time soooo. I am just afraid. I don't look half so good in person as I do in photos. I mean, the angle from a lot of my webcam ones is simply from the necessity of the focus being screwed up so I have to be close to it and I think that camera has some sort of bewitching enchantment on it because I don't look half bad, if I do say so myself. I have lost weight and am definitely smaller, now, than I was in even my most recent photos on facebook; but I am not tiny by any means. I am worried that I won't be what she was expecting. It's like, why am I worried? She's intelligent, gorgeous, and super, super amazing. She loves my personality and says she's been smitten with how I exude this confidence and sex appeal just via text even longer than she has been smitten by my "pretty face." She loves my eyes, and my lips, and my smile...why am I freaking out? I am freaking out because I don't like the way I look from oh..gee...right under my boobs down. I have started working out even more than I already did and I am starting to restrict my food intake a bit much.
This could be seen as a "why are you so worried?" sort of thing..well.. I am a recovering anorexic. I will never be fully cured of this and this is something my mother doesn't seem to understand at all. She thinks because the last time I was super skeletal was 8 years ago I am fine. I'm not fine, not even a tiny little bit. I can feel myself obsessing over every little thing. I've gone from a healthy 1200 calories a day to; I think I had 400 calories today. It's not fine, it's not cool, and I know I've already lost more weight because of it. I don't own a scale, but I can feel it in my legs and arms already. This isn't cool. I was doing so well with 1200 calories a day, sometimes up to 1500 if I'd worked out extra hard or whatever since I needed extra protein for my muscles those days. Now, I am working out even more and eating 1/3 of what I was eating before. I'm on a slippery slope, and I can feel myself starting to slide backwards. I am doing this all because I am afraid of what this wonderful woman, who I am sure could give a shit less if I am 200 pounds or 300 pounds will think when she finally sees me in person.
Yet, I am happy, supremely happy with my life...sounds like I am making the problem for myself; that one that could be lurking around the corner...doesn't it?
Oh well, insecurities, we all have them right?
I am afraid that since I am a bigger lady, but because of my webcam have all sorts of myspace angle photos she won't necessarily like what she sees when she sees all of me. Granted, she's friends with me on facebook and can see the photos of me when I was bigger than I am now so it's not as if I am hiding myself from her at all. I also know that in my last blog I was drunk and having a conversation with my husband and we were talking about another friend who moved to Colorado and I was blogging about my lady friend and some of what I said in there was part of our conversation lol. (Hey, I was drunk). I have since fixed it. I've never seen her on a webcam even, just via pictures and we text all the time soooo. I am just afraid. I don't look half so good in person as I do in photos. I mean, the angle from a lot of my webcam ones is simply from the necessity of the focus being screwed up so I have to be close to it and I think that camera has some sort of bewitching enchantment on it because I don't look half bad, if I do say so myself. I have lost weight and am definitely smaller, now, than I was in even my most recent photos on facebook; but I am not tiny by any means. I am worried that I won't be what she was expecting. It's like, why am I worried? She's intelligent, gorgeous, and super, super amazing. She loves my personality and says she's been smitten with how I exude this confidence and sex appeal just via text even longer than she has been smitten by my "pretty face." She loves my eyes, and my lips, and my smile...why am I freaking out? I am freaking out because I don't like the way I look from oh..gee...right under my boobs down. I have started working out even more than I already did and I am starting to restrict my food intake a bit much.
This could be seen as a "why are you so worried?" sort of thing..well.. I am a recovering anorexic. I will never be fully cured of this and this is something my mother doesn't seem to understand at all. She thinks because the last time I was super skeletal was 8 years ago I am fine. I'm not fine, not even a tiny little bit. I can feel myself obsessing over every little thing. I've gone from a healthy 1200 calories a day to; I think I had 400 calories today. It's not fine, it's not cool, and I know I've already lost more weight because of it. I don't own a scale, but I can feel it in my legs and arms already. This isn't cool. I was doing so well with 1200 calories a day, sometimes up to 1500 if I'd worked out extra hard or whatever since I needed extra protein for my muscles those days. Now, I am working out even more and eating 1/3 of what I was eating before. I'm on a slippery slope, and I can feel myself starting to slide backwards. I am doing this all because I am afraid of what this wonderful woman, who I am sure could give a shit less if I am 200 pounds or 300 pounds will think when she finally sees me in person.
Yet, I am happy, supremely happy with my life...sounds like I am making the problem for myself; that one that could be lurking around the corner...doesn't it?
Oh well, insecurities, we all have them right?
VIEW 9 of 9 COMMENTS
user209834982:
You're beautiful darling. Obviously, me saying that isn't going to cure you of the issue, but really, you have no reason to be insecure.
9005900:
Being happy is the main thing!!! 